My Blog

Sunday after Sunday, I’m sitting in my room and I’m totally depressed…today was rather lucky, because I could at least cry(which I hardly can, even if I want to), but usually it’s even worse…

Usually, I can only sit around or lie in my bed, feeling so completely hopeless and fucked up…not capable to feel the smallest glance of hope or to see the smallest ray of light…

And somehow, nobody understands the way I feel…

The names of those who tell me that I wouldn’t be alone, because I’d have “many friends” is legion, but they don’t know me either…they think they are my friends or that they know me…but even if I wish they would, they don’t…nobody really knows me, and I hardly know anyone who’s getting close…

It’s just a difference if you just know people and you have lots of acquaintances or if you REALLY k now someone and you have some sort of soulbonding relation between each other…and that’s something that I can’t find in any of those so called friends…

I don’t blame them, I just wish people would understand my situation, it would be a first step to understand EACH OTHER. But why do I feel like we’re from two different worlds?

I just can’t get used to the common lifestyle of the majority of the inhabitants of this planet…

And they aren’t capable or willing to understand me and tolerate me. I’m always somewhat of an outcast or totally misunderstood or neglected.

Maybe I wouldn’t even mind that, if I didn’t have to interact with other human beings all the time, being part of what we call “civilisation”…but I have to, so it’s quite tricky.

This summer showed me once again that instead of somehow catching up, I’m just drifting apart further and further…also from who I was…

I already changed last summer, but if I compare the summer of 2007 and the summer of 2008, I can see yet another change…and I don’t know if I’ve to say a change for good or for bad…

An important sign of this change is my loss of emotions and the tendency to become more and more rational and a cold, logical person. It seems like there’s no more space for emotions in my heart and my soul…I don’t feel love anymore, neither for others, nor for myself.

What is love anyway? I’ve asked myself this question over and over again, but my explanations vary and change…

Currently, I’d say that love is more or less dellusional. People may think that I am too self confident maybe or that it’s daring to say so, but I dare to say it anyway: I feel like love is something for simple minds! It’s something that’s like a “disease” for the common people, the average Joe…or in other words, love is sort of like the hindrance you’ve to overcome in the way of logic and rational thinking. And so are all likewise emotions.

But what would be the aim? And where’s the crossroad where we can decide which way we can go? How come that I can’t remember deciding to go the way of cold, cold logic instead of the way of emotion?And where does this path take me? Is it more or less like this, that your life is somehow destined and that if you follow the (more common) path of emotion, you will live a life full of emotions, with all the benefits(which?) and disadvantages?And if you follow the path of logic, you will choose the rather special and desolate path of great thinkers and pioneers, of people who made a difference in this world, because they were so different from the others?
If this would be how it is, then wouldn’t it mean, that we AREN’T the architects of our own future? Does every single one of us really have his/her own destiny, which he/she has to follow, no matter what?

I just wish I would know the answer to these questions…maybe it would be easier to accept your destiny if you know that it’s inevitable?

I can’t help it, but I’m actually not a friend of destiny, by which I mean, I don’t believe in destiny too much. It’s just against all Reason for me, to think that we our actions have no influence on the future, or that our actions in the present, which create the future, are already destined from the long past…

I see too many people around me every day, living their lives without any certain plan or destination….they have this awful “let it flow” attitude which makes me mad!

And yet it’s like fighting windmills, if I’m getting upset about this, since their number is legion and it seems to be impossible to “convert” them.

Do I even want company on my journey, my struggle? Or do I subconsciously enjoy to be somewhat special and extraordinary? Maybe I’d just need one or a few persons who really understand me completely so I wouldn’t have to feel that alone anymore…

While for now, I feel like I’m a total alien, not belonging here…

Gee, what happened to me? I feel like I live in different lifes, in different worlds…2 worlds, both not complete as a standalone, but merged into one, they make somehow sense(almost). Just kept together by insanity, music and the repeating daily life, that shows no mercy whatsoever and keeps sucking our energy, until we’re left in our empty shell…

In a few days, I’ll fly to Indonesia again…and who am I right now? Time for some remeninisce…

It’s just 16 months ago, that I’ve been on my way to meet “wifey”. I still had feelings, I was still somehow innocent. I still believed in some lies which are part of our life and I had higher moral values and standards. Well, that’s so yesterday already…and after my arrival, I had such emotional moments(e.g. the airport, TA, the nights in my room or in the car when I thought about “her”)…

And now? Now I seem to be quite a reckless person, a counterfeit of the old me…still looking the same on the outside, but totally different on the inside. Now I know, I’ve said this many times before, but I feel like it’s getting more and more drastical…I feel like I start to drown in a web of lies, lies that I’m telling myself in order to function…And gee, how heartless I became! Just last week, I told this guy who tried to be my friend for almost a year, that I don’t really care about him anyways and that I’m more worried about the book of mine that he still got than about him…and do I feel remorse? NO! None whatsoever! I just feel quite pissed off with him and his pseudointellectual blabber, with all his complaints and whining(on a high leve, I might add). He already “died” in my eyes when he told me for the first time that friendship doesn’t excist and that I’m not a friend either. Gee, he really didn’t get my point then. I told him right from the start that I don’t believe in friendship anymore and that it takes a lot more than his silly thoughts about how friendship is to really get into me.

Too timid to tell me things face to face, he always complained about me behind my back…and started to find other friends, but failed(he could have realized by that, that for some people, it’s just impossible to find happiness from human bonding cos it takes rare special persons for that, but of course he’s too young and not mature or selfcritical yet to understand and realize that). So yeah, he just kept blaming me, that I’d complain too much, that life is hopeless, that he wants to die and all…gee, I just couldn’t hear it anymore. Too many times did I waste hours of my private time to talk to him, trying to convince that there’s a sense after all… maybe it’s not nice to tell white lies, but I think I had my generous moments and felt like he’s my protegé…anyhow, he didn’t listen to what I said(just to realize later that I was right, although he didn’t admit that I told him about this first) and just kept up with his selfish act. Of course, I’m the last one to blame anyone for being selfish, since I am quite an opportunist myself…but I’m someone who prefers honesty and I’m kinda blunt. He wasn’t…he always showed his double standards and how he thwarted himself because he said this, but did that.

So am I a bad person, because I told him frankly how he’s pissing me off? Maybe for some people I am…but I don’t give a damn! I’ve been mocked around long enough, I don’t need that anymore. And if life teached me one thing, than this:
Life’s a bitch and you’ve to be kinda bitchy yourself with it in order to survive!

So yeah, I don’t give a damn with all those fake people, all those damn bloody hypocrites. I won’t waste any second with them(unless I play with them for my amusement) and I’ll concentrate myself on the few persons who are meaningful to me…

Of course I won’t mention these people here(cos I don’t want anyone to harm them, just cos they might hate me). But I have a caring side after all…I surely care for “wifey” and I care for some family members(though not all) and I care for another person who’s quite close to me at the moment. I may not be able to feel love at the moment(or forever), unless for “wifey” maybe, but what the heck…you’ve to be delirious to think that love is everything in life or that it’s more than the adding of a few lucky and happy moments. I think it’s better to live for the moments and to try to assure that you’ll have more of them a plenty, then to cry and whine about the misery today. Cos after all, what can you do? Get mad, be on a killing frenzy, but don’t show weakness! If you get smacked in the face, laugh! If someone tries to rip out your heart, show him that you don’t have any anymore…and concentrate on the very few people who’re actually worth all the trouble…but don’t waste any more time on all the rest. Being nice doesn’t pay off that much and the nice guys are only good for one thing: To be abused by the bad guys!

So lately I’ve started this new practical
training at the Fraunhofer Institution in Stuttgart, near the campus of
the Stuttgart university…every day, I enter the train, passing Rohr,
Vaihingen, Österfeld and then Universität. Until then, I’m still
together with the sell-outs in their monkey suits…but once I left the
train…TEMPTATIONS! Everywhere I look, I see Asians, they frolic
freely, roaming across the campus and in the subway station…

And
each time I see them, I feel like someone who’s on a diet while he has
to pass through a gourmet restaurant each day before he can reach his
work place…I’m cursing and swearing about "Damn, what a torture,
screw you, destiny, with your cruel jokes" while I’m trying to resist
the urge to throw myself in front of the next train because I don’t
have the time to try to hook up with any of these nice students and I
curse the other non-Asian students and wish they’d all drop
dead…lousy, lucky punks, you don’t even know how lucky you really
are, do you?

But what is it about Asians that I love so much? Do I love all Asians? Do I love only Asians?

Well…I’d like to answer some of these questions here…

I. What I love about Asians?

Well…that’s
not really easy to answer…I think it’s their fine complexion, their
almond-shaped eyes and their long, black silky hair. I love their
caring personality and their simplicity about certain things. Unlike
many girls I’ve met here, they don’t really make such a big fuss about
everything, it’s not like a knights quest to find out whether she’s
interested or not…either she likes you and you’ll know, or she isn’t
interested and you’ll know too…Cauci girls, why don’t you learn from
your Asian sisters here?

II. Do I love all Asians?

Not
really…well, I guess I’ve to say that I’m not actually a racist or
xenophobic. It just happened to be comfortable for me to maintain
certain prejudices about certain groups, cos they proved me right over
and over again about their simplicity and stupidity and their
shallowness, while other groups didn’t…but just to be fair, I sure as
hell know a lot of people in Asia who aren’t much different from all
the fucked up morons I’ve to deal with over here every day…

Mainly,
I hate Caucasians for their ignorance and lack of tolerance…but then
again, I’ve seen that in Asia many, many times…but, being used to it
from here, I guess I became more tolerant about it and I tend to pick
the raisins while I leave the messy dough…

So
no, I definitely don’t love all Asians as I definitely don’t hate all
Caucasians…I just try to see myself as a global citizen and not
particularly belonging to a certain nation whatsoever. Asia just has
the benefit to come along with rather pleasant and more suitable
conditions for my needs. That’s probably the whole secret:). But yeah,
I’ve to admit, I’m really into Japanese, Korean and Chinese…yet on
the other hand, I didn’t had too much to do with them, I especially
never met any Korean or Japanese so far…so this is probably a rather
romantic glorification, but I’m aware of it.

Though
on the other hand, there are some Asians who aren’t really my type(at
least if it comes down to looks only) and those are mostly girls from
Indonesia, Singapore, Malaysia or India. But yeah, if you read this
blog, you’ve to keep in mind that I’m just being blunt and I wouldn’t
say a person who ever gave too much about looks in a girl in his past
life…so I think there’s nothing wrong if finally, I give in to some
pure vanity…is there? And hey, just cos I didn’t meet a girl there
yet who’s really my type, it doesn’t mean that this won’t happen,
right? I mean, take just the 4 countries I named and you’ll get a
potential 1,5 billion people and among them probably more than 50%
girls, maybe 40% of them in an interesting age…leaves much chances,
doesn’t it?

III. Do I love only Asians?

I guess I partially answered that question in answer no. 2…but I’ll try to explain it more precise maybe.

It’s true, whenever I see Asians in Germany, my first thought is:
"Damn, wow, an ASIAN!!!I wanna be his/her best friend, I want to know all about him/her, I want to date her!"

And
everytime I see them near me or even being on the same bus like me, I
feel like I’m being tortured…then my only wish is that I’d be alone
with this person, so I could approach him/her without any hassle of the
narrow-minded Germans around me. But of course my wish never comes
true, so I’ve to see the object of my desire, slowly being taken away
from my life as fast as he or she came into it:’(. What a rip off!

And
beside having these thoughts, I’m also pushing my self-confidence by
guessing the nationality of the person…most of the time, it’s quite
easy, since most Asians here are Chinese…but I really start to
develop an eye for this, and I’m sure I saw a few Indonesians, Thais
and Vietnamese lately too…

So yeah, I love Asians…BUT not only…

Surprisingly, I also catch myself, being attracted by a ethnic group I didn’t know I’d even still be aware of: CAUCASIANS!
Now everyone who knows me since a while, knows that I really despise
them(even I’m one of them, but hey, I didn’t ask for it, right?) and
that my opinion about Caucasian girls-how can I put this politely-isn’t
really the best. Yet I’ve to say, they usually got the ability to
divert my attention from other things or channel it onto them,
especially if they have some "Asian features", like black hair or, not
actually Asian(I guess), if they seem to be quite dark, gloomy and very
self-confident, yet also self-centered. Thought it might be mostly
simple sexual attraction, I’ve to say that some of these girls would
really be my type…but too bad that I’ve closed that chapter a long
time ago and I decided not to lower myself anymore by courting anyone
like that…and I haven’t been in the situation lately that I happened
to be alone with any of those mysterious beauties…how unlucky, isn’t
it?

Now
in conclusion, I still couldn’t really open the mystery box and find
out what it is that fascinates me so much about Asians( but only a
certain type of them). But I sure as hell know that if you see a guy in
Germany, almost drawling and walking mechanically without much thinking
after some Asian girl-well, that’s probably me then…so just say hi
and introduce me to yourself and all your Asian friends, why don’t
you;)?

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I’ve been thinking about life a lot these past few days…I’ve been
talking to a very good friend of mine about love and why people, who
tend to think a lot, seem to have problems to feel love…isn’t love
nothing but a big fraud? Something that keeps us going? Opium for the
people?
Let’s be realistic and reasonable…if we see things as
they are and if we keep in mind, that homo sapiens is a descendant of
some primates, what makes us think that we(humans) are any better or
different from natures other creatures, the animals? Aren’t we, after
all, still being animals? And we’re just hiding behind that nice cover
we call civilization?
We’re violating our own nature and we neglect
it…we invented all those so called rules and benefits of the modern
society, like relationships, marriage, etc…but let’s take a look back
into nature again and compare, shall we?
As a human being, we’re
eager to get married and found a family…so far, so good…but what’s
got marriage to do with it? The male human is (by it’s nature) mainly
interested to spread his semen(and there for his DNA=himself) and the
female human is mainly interested in raising her offspring. There’s
actually no more space for so called “love” or a “maritial life”. It’s
rather balast than being really useful…while in the free nature, all
sort of animals meet, reproduce and then, the male animals keeps
roaming to find further females to impregnate while the female animals
are trying to find the strongest and healthiest male animal to get
strong kids, so the existance of their species is safe. “Love” or
“marriage” would just get in the way of that, as there are all the
unpleasant side effects like jealousy or feelings. And let’s face it,
animals aren’t doing so bad with their way…while humans excist since
only a few thousand years and it seems we’re already about to leave the
stage again…
So therefore, isn’t love kinda delusional? We
invented it, probably out of selfish reasons, to keep the best female
or male “creatures” for ourself. But it doesn’t really make sense and
it seems to be against our nature…or how else can we explain nowadays
record-high divorce rate and the billion of couples, cheating on each
other like there’d be no tomorrow…
So aren’t we actually just
lying to ourself over and over again if we declare a life long
relationship and love being “sacred” aims we should reach, like it’d be
the holy grail or something?
Sure, we’d all love to be generous and
admirable people like that, who’re just too good and nice to be tempted
by all the temptations we’re surrounded with nowadays…but let’s face
it, most of us are morally bankrupt or too greedy to be ready to live
in a Utopia…and it’s been like that since the dawn of humanity. All
those nice and very desirable aims are thrown over board, once the
first temptation is crossing our way…
Unfortunately, many people
aren’t aware of that…and that makes it even harder for people like
me(or my friend) to live in a world like that. It might sound cocky or
something, but we seem to be too witted to fall for those lies…maybe
it’s a genetic malfunction? I don’t know, but I think there’s got to be
a reason for that though…
I’m yearning for the days where I’ve
still been able to lie to myself so damn well, because that’s one of
the strongest powers a human has…to lie to himself…and maybe that’s
why we tend to fall for the lies of others, because our life’s based on
lies and we’re too easily willing to follow other lies, as long as they
just seem to make sense or they’re wrapped up nicely…
It’s really
giving me hives if I’ve to face all those other people around me all
the time…you can say that I’m really sick of their damn happiness…I
just can’t stand it anymore and they may curse me for that, but I
really hate them for their false happiness and I’d love to punch them
in the face, all of them…all those false smiles and all their
carefree behaviour while they lead our world into the abyss…it’s a
descent into madness!
So why can’t I be like them? Why can’t my
friend be like them? Why do we have to be so painfully aware of the
whole world around us, tumbling down? It’s not like we’ve asked for it
or like it’s a pleasant thing…damn, it’s like watching how someone is
going into your bedroom and kills you while you sleep, but you can’t do
anything but to watch it…over and over again!
So excuse me, if I
feel despise for my fellow brothers and sisters out there…excuse me,
if I can’t follow the mass or if my thinking is always somehow
alternative…excuse me, if I don’t give a damn about all your shallow
, superficial problems, cos they aren’t important! You’re all being
deceived by propaganda and you’re just too eager to believe it and
follow it…and excuse me, if I’m not actually sorry, but I’m just
telling you another lie, cos you’ll buy it anyway…and isn’t that sad?

Do you know
this feeling, when a certain odeur or song or maybe a (scene from a) movie
reminds you of something pleasant in the past? When you’re overwhelmed by
melancholy and you’re yearning for the past?

That’s
what’s happening to me lately(and ever since)…I can’t stop thinking about the
time from March 200 until April 2007…I’m smolding in memories…

These days,
I’m killing time, watching SEINFELD on dvd. Seinfeld’s something I used to
watch on Star Channel during my first stay in Indonesia in March 2006…I still
remember my first night in Jakarta, after my arrival at the airport. I just met
my first gf at that time, and it was a very strange feeling(due to her strange
behaviour). As far as I can remember, she cooked something for me that evening,
and then she had to go home and I was left alone…in a strange country, with
no one around, no one to talk to…in my first night, I eventually started
crying, I’m not sure anymore if it was happiness(cos I couldn’t believe my
luck) or sadness.

But I still
remember watching several episodes of Seinfeld, every evening, usually after I
accompanied my gf to her taxi…now that I come to think about it, I think it
shows, that I had high hopes in this girl, but she smashed them from day
one…and to escape from reality, and to keep the illusion, I was deceiving
myself. I didn’t want to “wake up” from my nice dream(and being in a
relationship had always been my number one aim in life until that day).

So I was
pretending to myself and my gf, that it’s all about her and she’s my
world…but to avoid to drift off to insanity, I was assimilating my
environment(which was Indonesia at that time).

Under those
special circumstances and conditions, is it any wonder that I now have such a
strong affection to this country? It’s been like an empty shell, and I put all
my hopes and dreams, all my illusionary and real things, simply everything that
says ME into it.

Indonesia
became more to me than just a simple country or a spot at a map:
It became a part of me, it’s running through my vessels like my blood.

Although
this first relationship wasn’t lasting for long, I can now see that the
conditions( being with someone who obviously isn’t too mad about you) still
kept a certain distance between me and the country…but that all changed so
much on my second visit.

In July 2006(I won’t ever forget the date), I landed in Indonesia again. Some
things already felt like routine(like the pick up from the airport and the ride
to Permata Hijau), while other things were new(the first ride was during day
time, now it was 9 pm and dark outside).

But some
things never change…even I was dying to sleep WITH my gf(not talking about
sex), I had to sleep alone once again…and I was having bad luck, since my
shampoo in my suitcase had been damaged, and it spilled my clothes, my books,my
CD…just everything!

I’ve done a
lot of thinking at that time…because it was an akward situation…I felt very
tensed, like I didn’t want to lose any time…my first relationship was already
dying at that time, and I was very eager to meet someone else(she became my 2^nd
gf then), but I had to get rid of my first relationship first…

But due to
an experience about assumptions I’ve made a few months before, I wanted to be
very careful, I didn’t want to make any mistakes I could regret later…

So it took
me a few days to make my decision. What surely had a very strong influence on
me, was the fact, that I met my 2^nd gf behind my 1^st gfs
back(I was very pissed off, that even after 2 days, there wasn’t any progress
to see) and going out with her, always at a night time(it was always dark
outside) satisfied a primal urge in me…a primal urge to have some romantic
moments, to have a real “date”, to have butterflies in your stomache…and
that’s all been something that’s been suffocated in my first relationship, but
now I could just give in to the feeling, and it felt so great!

I still
remember, how especially the song “Sudah” by Nidji brought me into a very
melancholy mood…I think we’ve been listening to this song, while my 2^nd
gf and her best friend brought me back to my apartment the other day. That song
was brand new at that time, and even I didn’t understand a word(at least back
then), I really loved the opening of that song…it just matched so well with
the image of my heart and feeling inside…

And driving
around in a big city at night, holding hands, looking in each others eyes like
dorky teenagers with a huge crush on each other…those were the ingredients
I’ve been searching for so long, to bake a cake of love, made out of my heart’s
cooky dough…

So is it
any wonder that I didn’t want to listen to the warning signs? Maybe I could
have seen it coming, but at that time, everything just seemed too perfect…

After a
couple of really wonderful and enlighting moments, I knew that I prefer to be
with this girl, much more than with the other girl…Because she could satisfy
my urge for romance, my urge for butterflies in my stomache, my urge for all
the things I’ve been dreaming of when I was little…

As people may
know, I’ve never had a gf until a few months after my 20^th
birthday…so it was a very long time, to dream and plan the situations to
come…maybe too long?
Plus, I didn’t have the time other young folks had…my whole love life, my
whole romantic sceneries, my dreams, everything…it all had to happen in a
month or less…dating each other, getting to know each other, falling in
love…all those things had to happen in such a short time, is it any wonder
that the result was far from being perfect?

But then
again, I wouldn’t wanna miss that time…this wonderful, wonderful, almost
neverending hug, the first time I met her…the way I felt when she was holding
my hand while driving…how she whispered in my ear that she begs me not to
hurt her, while I was sitting at the windowsill with her, with her friends
being in the other room…she, having tears in her eyes…me, having
butterflies in my stomache, and ignoring, that I didn’t really love her as a
person( I simply didn’t know her well enough yet), but loving the feelings she
gave me, and therefor loving her out of pure graditude…at least that’s what I
think that it is now…

Because I
really remember it very well, how I felt very guilty with her…I surely liked
her, and I surely loved the way she made me feel…but maybe I was just being
too overwhelmed by those feelings I had to wait for so long? Other teens had
4-10 years to develop and enjoy those feelings…and I had them for not even a
month, being so overwhelmed…it was like being totally stoned, due to an
overdose of romantic!

And yes,
I’ve made many mistakes…too much of them?Probably…it doesn’t matter anymore
if there’s someone who should be blamed…I’m just grateful for the time and
those feelings…

Something,
that is really like a bridge, back to those times, are two tv shows I haven’t
seen in Germany ever…these shows are “Dragonball” and “Yu Yu
Hakusho”(especially this one).

Due to the
fact, that both, my 1^st and my 2^nd gf were still studying
at that time, I had to wait for them to be done so I could meet them. And while
I was waiting, I didn’t have anything to do, but to watch tv…kinda hard, if
90% of the programme is held in a language you can’t understand…so I choose
the only 2 channels, also broadcasting in English…and due to an
coincidence(or not?), I was watching “Animax” at that time. Especially those 2
shows caught my attention, maybe because Dragonball had a good story, and Yu Yu
Hakusho was quite catchy, plus, it wasn’t that kiddie-like like most other
shows there…

So because
I really started to like these shows, I also came to watch them with my gf
being around me…I built a certain “relationship” to the whole scenery
BEDROOM-TV-GIRLFRIEND-APARTMENT. The whole thing became like a bookmark to/for
my memories…

And everytime
I’m thinking about the past again, I’m also thinking about these shows…it
isn’t really about what actually happened in the show…it’s more like a
symbol, a metaphore…it’s like the entry to my memories, leading further, to
the real precious memories…like I was dancing in the Indonesian rain the
other night…or how we drove through the whole city after a wedding, being
kinda tired, having a fight before…but finally feeling, like we both need and
want and love each other…

It’s hard
for me to say if I finally fall in love or not…maybe this one day, when I was
invited and asked to join her to a wedding of her friend, and I was being quite
a pain in the ass until I finally agreed to go with her(cos I realized that she
wants me to come, and I realized that I want to please her),maybe this one day
was a turning point.

And the
funny thing is…either “Yu Yu Hakusho” or “Dragonball” was on, when I had such
deep thoughts…like when I realized, that this girl(my 2^nd gf)
really seems to care for me, to need me, to love me…and that I’d be stupid to
let her slip through my fingers…onto that point, I was rather enjoying my
freedom(it was the first time in my life since years, that I didn’t think too
much, I just did whatever I felt like) and being carefree…

So it might
be difficult to explain(and even harder to understand) why I love my memories
so much…but I’m really yearning for those days…I’m dying to have the same
feeling again, and I’m totally desperate, because I never felt anything equal…

When my
trip finally came to an end, and after she brought me to the airport, I was
actually a little bit surprised, that even though I missed her, I didn’t
cry…but before I entered the plane, she called me, with a tear-suffocated
voice, telling me that she’d love me…

And when I
sat down in the plane, I knew that this is it: It’s absolute happiness and
satisfaction, I couldn’t feel any better and happier than this! And I prayed
and asked god, that if I have to die, I hope it would be just right now,
because I’d die as a happy man!

Somehow, I
wish I could cry while I’m writing this…it is definitely very painful for me
to remember all of this…but it’s a very pleasant pain, a melancholy…this
time may never come back, those feelings may never come back…but at least I’m
having my memories as my own shelter, from this cruel, harsh world…I can
always remember, that, even it was just for the wink of an eye, but I had found
perfect happiness…and even many things went the wrong way afterwards, but at
least onto that point, I’ve nothing to feel bad about, because I’ve reached
such a stage of personal enlightning.

So I guess
the title of the song is quite true…Sudah…over…it’s over, yes…I’ve to
accept the fact, that my days of innocence, my days of naive fairy tale love,
of bittersweet romance and romantic feelings, wonderful dreamlike rides through
the night and the magic of moments, happening for the first time ever, are
over…and I know that nobody and nothing will or can ever make me feel this
way…

I was
holding on to this relationship, even when everyone else could see that it’s
not good China or porcelaine, but just simple clay…but I did it for a reason!
And this reason is my wish to never forget…to never forget what happened,
what happened inside of me, and what happened around me.

I can’t say
what love is anymore…I might be a heartless and a cold person now…but at
least I know that it’s not always been like that, and that I’m still able to
feel some love…and this love is the love for my memories…

Another
weekend…and once again, I made a few more steps to my grave…there’s not much
that actually happened this weekend…but that’s already a constant state in my
life, it’s always the same shit! And no matter what I tried so far, nothing can
change it…I was quite optimistic and actually, I’ve been looking forward for
this weekend(it’s been a long weekend), because I hoped, that I’m able to enjoy
it…

But what
happened? Not much…I had my friend here for company, but he’s even gloomier and more suicidal than
I am, so he wasn’t much of a help for me, he was rather a downer…

On
Thursday, I received a phone call from someone, who played a big role in my
life over the last 2 years…this phone call showed me, why I can’t see any
progress in my life right now…

It reminded
me, who I’ve been 2 years ago…and people can tell me as often as they want,
that the past is the past and we’ve to look forward in our life…but it’s easy
to say that, isn’t it?
I don’t know, but it isn’t easy for me to move on with my life, because to move
on, you need something new, right? You have to make a change with your life, a
cut…to see the difference between the old and the new life…but my life has
been dull 2 years ago, it has been dull 5 years ago, and it’s being dull this
very moment…

Too many
people think that they’d know me so very well…but I’m different, the rules
and regulations of this world don’t fit on me…I don’t want to sound cocky, it’s
not like I’m superior or anything…I’m just different…maybe there are many
people out there like me, but I don’t know them, and they don’t know me…and
even if, I think people like that(including me) aren’t capable to see other
people who are just like them…We’re caught in our own world…it’s not a
world of illusion, but it’s a world, where the past plays a big role…either
we refer to the past, to say that there’s no hope for the future…or we’re
stuck in the past, because it was the only happy time we had in our life, and
even we’re waiting and waiting, there won’t be another happy time for us…

The average
Joe might not understand it, and that’s why they avoid us…and we might envy
the average Joe for his ability to deceive himself or to fade out
reality…because that’s something people like me can’t do…but we aren’t
actually trying to pick a fight, we just want to be tolerated and accepted for
who we are…because we weren’t asking for this disease and we aren’t the
reason for it! And it’s definitely NOT in our hand to make ourself feel
better…

I had found
my happiness…at least a last resort…I felt so happy, being in a new
environment, with new people…I received care, love, attention…something,
that I didn’t know from my family life…at that time, I realized, that friends
and family aren’t reliable things in your life…you can’t count on them too
much, because even if it’s not their fault, but your family is usually not with
you 24/7 and neither are your friends…and while your family is always there
somehow(unless they die), your friends desert you sooner or later, because of
changing jobs, or they’ve to relocate to another city or country, or they get
married or something and forget about you or you get out of touch…the only constant
person in your life, could be the person you marry…at least that’s what I
thought back then.

It was so
wonderful and so new for me, to feel needed…back then, I still had a faith in
love, and I had the ability to fade out, that love is something that happens
mostly in our head and is mostly dellusional…

But I made
the wrong choices…I choose the wrong person to be with, because it was a
person, who wasn’t sure about her own life or what she wants…that was my
biggest mistake…i don’t know if I should blame her, but she definitely had
the key to my happiness in her hand…but she didn’t see it and she didn’t make
use of it…

And damn,
how I miss those times…how wonderful it felt, to drive around the city at
night, to be just “normal” for once…it was like a new start in a place, where
nobody knows yet, how fucked up I am and how twisted…I could still pretend to
be just like the average Joe…

But the
whole sharade ended…it ended, because other people didn’t want to accept,
that I did, what everyone else does all the time…

During the
whole weekend, I kept listening to this song by Good Charlotte, “break apart
her heart”…I don’t know, maybe I never realized it before, because I’ve never
been in such a melancholy mood, when I listened to it, but this song is
definitely a perfect song, to describe the relationship between a couple, who
broke up already…I could dedicate this song to both my first 2 exgfs…

Because it
really seems like nobody appreciates what you’ve done for him/her, until they
suffer under the same conditions like you(just that yours were even worse,
because your partner never actually cared as much as you did). And you get
angrier and angrier, because they claim to understand your condition and give
you a lot of excuses and apologies, but even they probably mean it, it seems
like scorn to you…

Let me
quote from the song:

”There’s
something I don’t wanna understand
  The
only way a woman’s gonna want a man
  The
only way you’ll ever keep her in your hands
  Is
breaking apart her heart
 Don’t tell her she is the reason that
you live
 Don’t give her everything that you got
to give
 If you want to keep the girl for as
long as you live
 Just break it apart her heart”

Is this
what girls want? Because that’s what I don’t understand…I really had to face
situations like this in my relationships…that I couldn’t understand… that I’m
only wanted and that I can only keep a girl if I treat her badly or like
shit…I’m sorry, even if that’s the common rule for relationships or love, but
then I don’t want to have anything to do with it…I’m probably too weak then,
for shit like this…especially, since I think it’s double standards, if you’ve
to struggle so much for this, while others only take and take…just because I’m
born male, it doesn’t mean that I’m immortal or invincible…

And it
seems to be true, that you should never tell a girl that she’s the reason that
you live(which I did) and that you should never give her everything that you
got to give(I did that too). And if the only way to keep a girl, is to break
her heart apart…then I’m sorry, that’s something I can’t do…

I start to
feel, like I want to make the life of other people just as miserable as mine,
just so they’d see how I’ve to feel every day! I don’t want to do that because
I’m bad, I think about doing it, because I don’t want to be alone! And I am
alone! There is a difference, if you are physically alone or mentally… and
yes, I know that many, many people keep telling me that I’m not alone and that
I’d be a lucky bloke, because there would be many girls being after me and so
on and so on…

But let me
tell you something…I don’t feel lucky! And I don’t know if there are any
girls after me, but if there’d be any girls after me, I’d rather pity
them…because I’m not a good guy in my eyes…I’ve my own problems and I’m
trying to be nice and polite to the people around me…but I definitely don’t
want to be a burden to anyone…It’s twisted, on the one hand, I want to take
care of another human being, I want to be needed…and I want to love…

But how?
The only time in my life, I could actually love someone, I emphasized the girl
I “loved”…I didn’t love who she really is, I loved the image I’ve made out of
her…

And now I’m
painfully reminded of this situation…back then, fairy tale love still worked
for me in my dellusional world, but now, it doesn’t work anymore…now I’m
older and I’m beyond that point, and no matter what I tried lately, nothing can
take me back to this point:(

I’ve been
optimistic about things in the past…and I know most people think I’m gloomy
and pessimistic…but tell me…wouldn’t everyone turn out this way if he or
she would feel sad and joyless for years and years and years, with no break?

I’m sorry,
but I want to see others in my shoes…I’m sure they’d feel hopeless too…

I can see
it with my exgf…she ever made fun of my situation and told me that I’m
dramatizing things…and now she passed about 3-6 months of the feelings I had
for 15 years…and in my eyes, she still had benefits I didn’t have…but
anyhoo, she admitted, that she can understand it now…while she never
understood it before…

So it seems
like people have to pass the same situation first, before they finally
understand, that depressions are something very serious and nothing that you
can underestimate…

I don’t
know how many similar blog entries I’ve already written about this topic…and
I don’t know how many will follow…but I do know, that I need a miracle, and I
need it now!

So please,
dear god…please save me from this pain and this suffering…or let me die,
and save all the nice people who care for me, and who get hurt by my strange
behaviour:(!

I’m just
listening to „At seventeen“ by Janis Ian…it’s an appropriate song for my
current situation and the way I feel…

At
seventeen…what did I do at seventeen?It’s part of my life for sure…did I
“learn the truth”, like Janis Ian sings in her song? Not very likely…Florian
at age seventeen…that was a very naive and insecure, shy young man….very
desolate…dying for certain things in his life…

Hmm…I’ve
been a guy who spent most of his time after school, reading his Science Fiction
books, playing soccer with his brother and his best friend(a 4 year old younger
boy, the son of my mother’s acquaintance)…a chubby guy with a crushed self
esteem, a lot of pimples in his face and being very depressive…

I still
remember this time, even I am sure I didn’t want me to remember it in the
future, when I was myself in the past…because it felt too cruel and hopeless
to me at that time.

At that
time, I just realized, how everything around me seemed so much like
routine…going to school, coming home, doing the same things, day in, day
out… and even if not, at least feeling the same things…

The many
times when I felt so depressed and sad that I thought I’d die because of this
feeling, the times I couldn’t even cry anymore, because I was just too
hopeless…the times when I collapsed on the soccer field, with tears bursting
out of my eyes…and how this all started without one good reason to be
found…there was just nothing I could blame, nothing I could find, which would
have been the major mistake, the reason for all of this…

So despite
going to supermarkets and watching all kinds of movies( and developing a quite
forced insomnia), I didn’t do much…

I had been
rejected repeatedly by girl after girl and yet I felt like it could help me, to
have someone in my life, someone who’d need me and vice versa, someone whom I
could give all my heart and love…it was the time when I still felt so sure
that I’m more than ready for all the responsibilities which come along with
love, that I’d be more than happy to get married and that I thought how much I
wished that my first girlfriend would be my last girlfriend too…

I had those
thoughts, because I still thought that the power of love is strong, that love
actually e xcists…and I guess I was still able to have such feelings.

But nothing
happened…I’d been stuck in my disease and it took me very long to even get my
head up a little bit again.And when I finally felt stronger(because I realized
that you can’t sink any lower than to the bottom,where I were at that time), I
had changed already in some ways…physically, because I had lost 20 kg in 7
months…and also inside, because I saw that I became more and more a
loner…even while I still had dozens of acquaintances and knew so many people,
I didn’t feel the spark….I felt alone, even if I’ve been among hundreds and
hundreds of people…

So I
realized, that I’m lying to myself if I’d say that by simply trying to live
like the others, I won’t find my happiness…it just felt so false, like one
big fraud…but what was the alternative?
Honestly, I didn’t know…I just built my own cocoon around my, my own shall,
my personal space…and I started to have a very close relation to my very own
room…it became like my world for me…

Loneliness
does strange things to ones mind…I don’t know if that happened to me
too…but depressions are a very creative disease, I had a lot of time to
think…and while I’ve been pondering about me, the world, who I am and some
other philosophical questions, I started to realize that many fears I have in
my life are just ballast to me. I mean, why worrying? If I already have a
problem, will I actually feel any better if I worry about it?Will the problem
be gone if I do that?Will it be solved?NO!So why even doing it?I just try to
see everything rational from that point and not too emotional anymore…I was
far from being perfect, but the seed was planted…

Around
2005, I started to get in touch with people all over the world via the
net…and I started to realize, that it’s a new and interesting way to get to
know new people, to find the people who could actually give me
something…something like…I don’t know, food for the soul?

Unlike in
the real world, it was very easy to get to know MANY people in a very short
time…while in the real world, I had much more obstacles and unpleasant
hindrances…

And because
of the internet, I finally got in touch with this wonderful country, that I
learned to love so much:
INDONESIA!

It’s a
rather boring and long story to talk about the girl, who was half of the reason
why I went there for the first time…I rather prefer to talk about, what this
country actually gave me!
All of a sudden, there was a place, where I felt like…like in my mournful
memories about the past or a time I can hardly remember(the time before my
parents divorced). Hard to say why this country caused such a feeling in
me…actually, I couldn’t imagine to just give up and leave my room, at that
time, and it was even more impossible to me to imagine to move to the next
city…but somehow, I could imagine to move to Asia!

I always
had an affection to Asia, even before I went there for the first time…but
actually, my heart was beating for Japan at that time, not Indonesia…anyhow,
it just showed me that there’s a place that seemed to me like nowadays,
undiscovered planets seem to mankind:
A place where’s still something to discover, where there’s hope and new
challenges…

Just after
I returned from my trip to Indonesia, I had to move out from my mom’s place,
because she kicked me out…something, that I couldn’t imagine before it
happened, but somehow, it wasn’t much of a problem for me anymore at that
time…I felt new energy and a sincere will to fight back, to struggle, to
accept the negative things in life…at least for now…

That was
something I lost trough my years of constant sadness and depression…and there
were new feelings, new attitudes…I became more confident, I now had done
things that I always wanted to do, but I didn’t dare them before…and I
started to realize, how quickly I assimilated! People around me showed me their
acknowledgement for what I had done…they said it was brave and took guts to
just buy a ticket and fly to a country where I knew absolutely nobody, unless a
girl I knew since 1 month from a few chats and one 2 hour phone call…was it
crazy?Well, maybe…but I don’t know why, I never really felt scared or
anything…and I didn’t see it as a big thing actually…probably a sign of my
brand new self esteem and my new self confidence…

But the
time right after that was though…my life was actually still empty…and I
felt someone pushed me hard in the face, when I realized how much I depended on
others(in that case, my 1st and later my 2^nd gf). I felt like I can’t
take it…but the difference to my situation now, and my situation before, was,
that now, I had at least one thing in my life to fight and struggle for…maybe
it wasn’t the best reason in the world, and probably(at least if I look at it
now), it wasn’t worth it…but for the bigger good, it was absolutely necessary
and positive for me and who I am!

I learned a
lot of new things…about me…about others…I saw that I’m not as small and
weak as I thought I am…and I felt more and more confidence growing, and
learned how to keep down to earth though…destiny still continued to hit me
constantly, but with each punch, I felt
less and less pain…

And here I
am now, no longer seventeen, but twentytwo…with a change point of view about
many things…I lost my faith in love and I don’t really expect to find “THE
ONE” anymore…I rather except that I’ll live my life alone, because I’m
probably too used to it anyhow…but that’s ok for me…I am who I am, and
nobody can change that…so maybe I pay a high price for integrety, but at
least I can stand up and look at myself in the mirror…and isn’t that
something we should all try to achieve? That we’re being honest with ourself?
And not scared of who we are? Even if we might be “weak” or “weird” in the eye
of the beholder or the public eye?Even if, so be it!At least I know that I’m
really tired and fed up, with people who try to tell me how I have to live my
life…they’re just pathetic…

Haven’t we
been here yet?Didn’t I pass this moment already?Doesn’t this look familiar?

Déjà vu’s
are a part of our daily life…but they’re still a very special thing to me…

Because
they give me the feeling that our life is some sort of weird dream…it feels
like…hmm…like our dreams we have each night aren’t really dreams…that
once we’d fall asleep, our soul or mind leaves our body…and we’re going on a
journey with lightspeed, to some parallel universe or to the REAL world…or
that the dream world is at least another excisting world…so if there’s a déjà
vu, I feel like there’s a malfunction in
THEIR system…it’s like I’m dreaming, but I’m aware of it…I feel confused
and disoriented…I’d need more time to gain all my senses and become a real
danger to THEM…but there’s never enough time…my mind tries to realize and
make us of the impressions I’m under at that moment…but it’s never enough
time for me…

I know this
feeling from my daily life and sometimes from my dreams at night…and I’ve
been pondering about it many times…but right here and right now, it’s a very
nice comparison to my situation…

Because
lately, I really start feeling like this can’t be all true anymore…it seems
just too ludicrous and unreal…my life feels like some sort of joke to me.
Sure, I’m older now, I’m more mature(maybe?), more experienced(definitely) and
more sarcastic…but the same things still happen somehow…the people and
things to happen may vary, they might come along, using a disguise… but
somehow, it’s still all the same…

Our whole
life seems to be so dull and so predetermined…in my eyes, we don’t have too
many choices…we’re born, we’ll go to kindergarten(to be prepared for school),
then we’ve to go to school(to be prepared for work) and then we’ll start
working…and for what?
To have enough money when we’re too old to work and to be able to buy us food,
shelter, warmth and a few, little distractions to surpress the fact that we’re
actually living a very boring life, working like ants for our cluster…

So there
aren’t many choices…the lack of money doesn’t give them to us…from our
birth, we’re being drilled to try to reach a certain level of wealth…yet we
hardly get the tools to be more than a worker ant…it’s just enough to keep us
thinking that we actually DO count and that we’d be actually MORE than a
slave…

Though, if
through some happy coincidence, we DO get some more money, we can quickly see
how money,(and only money)can open us more doors…the more money you have, the
less things you’re forced to do…if you’re a millionaire, it’s not mandatory
to work to earn the money for food, shelter and warmth…and without this duty,
you’ll have more freedoms and more choices…you’ll have the time now, to find
out what you could actually do with your life, once you aren’t part of the
system anymore…or let’s say, once you’re a member of the elite BEYOND the
system…

So how come
that even most people should be aware of this, still don’t make use of their
chances?I guess the answer is simple:

COMFORT!
We’re all slaves of our own comfort…we’re simply too lazy or feel like it’s
too much work and too many sacrifices to commit…so most people might complain
about the life they live and the status they have…but comfort(combined with a
lack of education maybe) keeps them silent and they won’t try too hard…

There’s
something gotta change about it…so let’s start!

Lately I’ve
been realizing that I’m living in a constant state of stress…I think it’s not
just my problem though, I think it’s a problem that everyone has…life became so
stressful. We wake up, we go to work, we come home, we eat something, we watch
some tv maybe or read a book and then it’s time to go to bed again…and at the
weekends, we don’t do that much either… some people party a lot, others
prefer to stay home to “relax” and stress out…but isn’t this all dellusional?

I’ve
realized that even it’s weekend, I’m still under tension…I’m giving myself
stress!

And why?
Well…I think that’s because we got used to it…the modern life gave us new
free time…there are dish washing machines, laundry machines, tv remote
controls…they all gave us new free time…but we don’t know what to do with
that free time!Or more precisely, we have TOO MANY ideas what to do with that
free time. So we’re giving ourself stress since we want to make the best out of
the time we’ve…and our whole life is structured in some way…at least that’s
what I feel…even when I lay in bed, I feel like I’m constantly short on time,
because there are current problems, running through my head, but just one plain
view on my clock near me shows me that I don’t have the time now to think about
the problems, it’s time to sleep…so I keep pushing the problems in front of
me and keep them always in a certain distance…but of course, they’re becoming
a big pile and sooner or later, it tumbles down on me…and I’ve to face a lot
of problems, which, if seen as a single prob, would have been easy to be
solved, but as a whole, they’re a mess, they’re already one big negative effect
on my(our) life…so why do we keep doing this? Why are we giving ourself such
artificial stress?

I think we
simply forgot how to “switch off” and just mellow out…maybe the big variety
of choices, that’s being offered by our modern civilization just overwhelmed
us…it’s proved by scientist that a big choice makes people insecure…while
if there’s only a simple choice(like black n white or rain and
shunshine),people can choose much easier…

So what’s
the conclusion here? Should we make life just more simple? And if yes, how
could we do that? Aren’t we all slaves of comfort in some way? Wouldn’t it be
so liberating if we’d just leave all our possessions and our property behind?
If you don’t own anything, you don’t have to worry about losing it…so you’d
have less stress…and you’d have less choices…cos choices come along with
wealth…or with the urge to reach a certain level of it…but that’s because
the hunt for money became mandatory already…without money, you can’t afford
food or shelter or warmth, etc…yet, how has it been a few hundred years ago?
Even now, there are still savages who live in the woods or deserts…they don’t
know about things like stress…cos they are free to make any decision…but
they’re infected by the “so called” blessings of the civilization…and just
look at the formerly proud empires or savages of yesterday…look at the Native
Americans…and how aren’t more than a bunch of booze hounds and casino owners
now…look at the Zulu in Africa or the Massai…and how they’re not more than
a tourist attraction…look at Tibet…look at the savages in Australia, South
America, Indochina…whenever they’ve been FORCED into civilization AGAINST
their will, it’s been their end in some way…you can’t say that ANYONE of them
feels better now or lives happily…

While in
the past, they didn’t have to worry about much, they could hunt for their food
and find shelter under big banana leaves and drink from unpolluted rivers,
they’re now forced to learn languages they don’t know and live in cultures they
can’t understand, in socities in which they aren’t accepted to work for things
they had for free before…is that progress?

And it
leads back to my question, stress, and how we keep our stress level high
without a clear reason…maybe it’s simply our trial to distract ourself from
the unpleasant truth that we’re all the victims of the ghosts we’ve invited…

Ow man…it
makes me sick!!!All the people around me, being in love…being so naive to
think they can actually love a person and that it would
last…HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!As if there’d be such a thing like everlasting
love!What’s love anyhow, but a permanent mindf**k?

I really
can’t stand it anymore…all their romantic crap!All their hopes,dreams and
wishes…it makes me so sick!Love doesn’t really excist,folks,love is just a
weakness we’ve to overcome…nothing can make us more vulnerable like
love!Nature doesn’t know love…only the love of an animal for it’s offspring.
And even then, it’s mostly temporary and always rational, never
emotional…like Lions who’d do it with their own daughters or eat them if
their mothers wouldn’t watch them…

So since
nature is created from god’s hand and god is perfect…doesn’t that mean that
nature and the natural circulation is perfect too?And that humanity should
follow it’s rules?But what are natures rules?To frolic freely and to multiply
our own kind!But there’s nothing mentioned about love…and let’s face it…in
some way, it seems to be a new trend…people meet up…they meet for nothing
but sex or a few days to spend…it’s all temporary…and after that,they move
on like nomads…so aren’t all the people who still believe in love and deceive
themself with their corny sweet lies, day in, day out, aren’t they like a
relict?Like something that’s too oldfashioned and too traditional and
conservative to survive in our quick stop, fast food, fast everything society?

And aren’t
guys and girls going into a relationship with totally different perceptions?A
girl usually tends to have slightly unrealistic(and unfair) expectations…many
girls still sit in their ivory tower and wait for Prince Charming and oversee
that they aren’t supposed to be so picky, because everything has rough edges
and nothing’s for free…

And
guys…they seem to see girls very often as nothing but a sexual entertainment
park or a handy cooking- cleaning- and ironing machine…

So why
don’t they just cut the crap?Why are they such hypocrites?Do they really think
that they are so much better than all the others, who failed with love?Do they
think they won’t make the same mistakes like the others already did?
So why not going back to the old principe of mother nature?Women and Men should
only gather for reproductional reasons and then split again.It would be much
more rational, since guys aren’t really meant to be loyal and women aren’t
really meant to love a burden(men), nature gave them only enough feelings for
their own offspring…you see, while guys are already happy to keep their genes
in the race by spreading their semen to as many women they can(despite race or
other things), women prefer to watch the growth and the development of their
genes…but none of this things have something to do with the romantic love
we’re facing after it’s been brought to us by propaganda…in the end,it’s all
about our genes…and if you know a bit about genes,you can even laugh because
it’s so ridiculous and ludicrous of us to think that we could really reach
relative immortality by creating a small likeness of ourself…because already
in the 2^nd generation that follows, the number of original genes in
that persons body is down to less than 1%…

So why do
we have love?The romantic one?Where does it come from?This imagination that we
can really love one person for the rest of our life while mother nature proves
that we aren’t meant to do that…is it all a cosmical test?Should it teach us
to be rational and not emotional?Maybe…because those few couple who really
made it to stick together for a lifetime are surely not feeling “Love” as those
romanticly idealized people who believe in immortal love…they rather used
their senses and sticked together for reasons like paying lower taxes or paying
off the house or because they realized that it’s nicer to die with company than
alone…and we all know,misery LOVES company!

Or does it
excist to idealize our view on the future?Should we have unrealistic hopes so
we won’t realize that our existance hasn’t really a good reason or use for
ourself?

Well, I can
only ask those questions, you’ve to answer it yourself like I have to…

But I want
to add…I wasn’t always like this…I know for sure that I believed in this
whole thing quite a long time ago…but everyone who gets in touch with it
should be aware that it’s just a lie…and even you can surpress or ignore that
knowledge, sooner or later the magic will be fading and therefore, depressing
realism is taking place…that’s what happened to me…I’m a slave of  logic and reason now. Did I ask for
it?Nope…do I wish I could turn back times and get another shot?Hell yeah,
especially if I see all those couples around me that I mentioned above…but
can I do anything?We aren’t in control of our own feelings…our feelings
control us!So I can only pray to god that he’ll find me my pink glasses again
and I can put them on and see the world in a slightly unrealistic way
again…but even it’s all so absurd and mindnumbing, so irrational and stupid…we
all pass the moments in our life where we feel like we’d do everything for
love…too bad that mine already passed…