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What is love? What is hate? The answer to those questions might be easier to answer for some people and harder for the others…I’m among “the others”, since I don’t like to make hasty, too quick judgements and decisions, if I’m not 100% sure or convinced about something.

Same case here…Until now(since I was born), I’m still trying to figure out what love definitely is and what hate definitely is.

In some cases, it’s easy…but, then again, that’s more or less just my personal definition then, while I’m trying to find one, fitting on both, me and general people. And that’s harder.

At the moment, I just know that I HATE all the people who claim to be in love…

Most of all, I had their hypocrisy. A lot of those people claimed to be on the same side like me just a couple of months ago…example:
I happened to get to know this really shallow girl, a friend of my shallow first ex gf…happened to “meet” her on a…well, let’s say a datingsite for adolescents.

I’m being there, more or less for research reasons, eventhough I like to tell myself that it’s more(but looking at my activities due to it, it’s not).
Anyways, she’s the one who showed some interest there at first…asked me to add her in facebook, and then we sent each other messages. Pretty fast, while I was still small talking, to be polite and gentle, she made it clear to me, that all she’s looking for, is (and I quote): “plain no-strings-attached-fun” and “getting laid”…she specifically said, that she does NOT want any kind of relationships(I supposed from the comments she exchanged with her braindead squeeze, that she’s just been dumped or been cheated by a guy she “loved”(whatever those foolish people call love)).

I was kinda amused by her attitude, mostly, since I didn’t have ANY intetions to do her…

But I played her game, as I like to manipulate such braindead broads and it’s always an interesting as a research about human behaviour.

Maybe 2 weeks before I went to Indonesia, she suddenly stopped replying my messages(telling me in her last one that she’d go to Bali cos she “needs to get laid”).

I wasn’t disappointed or anything, just a bit pissed, because I sure as hell know, that those kinda people are not even aware of the fact, that they act so reckless…like she did, by asking ME first to meet her and then suddenly changing her mind, without telling me…no big problem actually, but it’s about principles…

Well, anyways, I never really thought of her again anyways until I came back here and happened to stumble over her profile again…
So just out of curiousity, I asked her what happened…she told me, that she stopped “playing” and became a “good girl” now(yeah right, my ass!) and that she never wanted to meet me, so she didn’t contact me…

I was amazed by such blunt lies, even more, since I had the exhibits still resting in my inbox…I told her, that I think that it’s a pretty stupid reason and that she’s contradicting herself…but of course(like I could have telled), she didn’t react on logic and me, having a point…

I also told her, that I want her to mark my words and that I’m sure that she’ll be single again in just a few weeks or months…

And this is where my example ends…I’ve countless examples like that, of countless people who’re acting like this in one way or the other…

I might not even be that angry and upset, if they wouldn’t be so contradicting and absolutely childish…but they are!

I can say that I’m seriously giving some thoughts about the issue of “what love is”, but do they? It just makes me angry, if people want to preach to me…I can tolerate other opinions, I can accept them and I can also accept them as correct(and therefore, that mine wouldn’t be), but I can only do that, if it’s based on logic and some good reasons, making sense…

But I can’t accept it, if it’s totally obvious that those people are just way too ignorant and stupid to actually.

And yet, that’s just the one group of people…the other group isn’t really much better in my eyes…

The interesting thing here might be, that I was probably a member of this group myself for a long time…I’d like to refer to this group as the “romantic self deceivers”

These people can either be nice and naive all the time, or they can actually be quite smart and clever and educated, but it both ends the same way:
They(think) they fell in love, and suddenly, it’s like the lost their brain…they become blind and deaf to obvious mistakes and criticism and spread disgusting happiness. It’s like they want to tell the whole world: “Hey, listen up, I just lost my senses, please cheer for me!”

It’s somehow funny and sad actually…but I can’t laugh nor cry about it…I can just shake my head about this. It’s like those people suddenly have nothing but their petty relationship problems all of a sudden…all the things which REALLY matter in life suddenly don’t seem to be important anymore…

I admit that some people show a long breath and keep up the image for quite a long time…but in most of these cases, those relationships hardly pass more than a few weeks, months or sometimes years…if I’d be in their shoes, I’d be more careful about such statements like “I love you” or even more about “I will ALWAYS love you/love you forever”.

We all know that we shouldn’t say things that we can’t prove with our actions…and words are cheap.

Now I know many people will feel like crucifying me for saying this, but think again…

Open your eyes and take a look around you please…look at your “perfect partners”…aren’t they sort of replacable? You might think(I can’t use the word think actually, let’s replace it with “feel”) that your significant other is so good and great and better than your ex…but do you remember all your ex’s? Do you also remember, that you felt the same way about them?
What if I tell you now, that it WAS the same way? And it will ALWAYS be that way again in the future? At least eventually…just give it some time…

I think it’s just because that’s the human nature…we aren’t made to be together for eternity, we’re made to mate…just cut the crap and get down to business, it’s really as simple as that…

And I’ll stand corrected, if someone proves me the opposite, but it’ll take more than some simple examples or jibber jabber about “feelings”.

I stopped sympathizing with the “nice people” and those who believe in love(or at least don’t acknowledge, that love is more or less just a hoax)…they’re obviously not the kind of people who’re kinda like me or think sort of the way I think…and since I am searching people like that, I know I won’t find them in this group.

But then which group should I sympathize with? Well, I’m actually not a sucker for groups anyway, I’m more of a loner, mostly cause of the lack of alternatives…but yeah, like I said, I’m searching for likewise minds…

Currently, I start thinking, if I shouldn’t take a closer look at the group of players and womanizers(or their female counterparts).
They sure as hell have no good standing, but if you cut out all the shallowness and stupidity and plain sexual arousment, that keeps them going, you can extract some interesting key strategies and patterns.

I can say that I agree about some of their behaviour, since I feel the same way many times…

For instance, why should you be forced or guilted into a relationship with someone, if all you’ve in common, is that you’re sexually attractive to each other? Do we REALLY want such people to breed and have children? Gee, what kind of zombie-like creatures would that be:S? Do we want the world to be dominated by a bunch of braindead folks, only kept going by their most primal instincts? I mean, we already have that now, but imagine it like 5 times as bad? Gee, it surely gives me nightmares!

I’ve had it with people who tried to blackmail me with their feelings or to guilt me with them…now am I really being mean or a bastard, if I insist on being honest, instead of lying?
I had such a case with a girl I’ve met about 1 year ago…first time we met, she already jumped me, without me actually wanting that…due to that, she probably thought that she has some sort of exclusive right on me, but hey, I never said so. And it wasn’t me who started things, so why should I be blamed? Who says no to a free meal?

Her problem was, that she tried to push me into saying: “I love you” when she said it to me. But first of all, I didn’t buy it, secondly, I thought it’s quite ludicrous, after just a day or two and last, but not least, I never felt that way about her.
So should I really tell her lies? According to my experience, the average girl would say: “yes, you should”, as they obviously prefer a nice lie over the truth. I’ve been blamed countless times to be a “insensitive jerk” or whatever, just because I was standing my point and didn’t lie about this. Am I wrong? Isn’t it always said, that all girls want to have a guy who’s honest, who’s open about his feelings and all that crap?
Well, I think what girls really want, is what girls actually never want to admit.

Just like the myth, that guys are just thinking with the part of their body that’s inbetween their legs…I’ll be damned to say that I can speak for all girls in the world, but until today, most of the girls I’ve met were far away from being innocent and at least as much interested in sex as most guys I know. I actually see nothing wrong or bad there, I just hate how some keep telling me, that guys are scum and girls are saints…

Don’t get me wrong, most guys ARE scum(maybe me included), but so are most girls I know…and at least guys are pretty stupid or lazy or both, so it’s never too hard to see their real intentions. But some girls are really good, they’re much better at hiding and they love to play the game of camouflage…the funny thing is, they also love to camouflage this fact and they’d rather die in a firery hell, than to admit, that I’m right about this. (I’m talking about the majority of girls I’ve met, who kept talking crap about this)

So we’re still not making any progress here…love, hate…it’s hard for me to give a definite answer to what those two words actually mean. I mean, I do know, that I hate people who keep telling me that they’re in love(and for all the people who think that it’s cos I’m jealous, you’re wrong, even though I’m pretty sure you’ll think I’m just not mature enough to admit I’d be jealous, but trust me, it’s more complicated than to make jealously the answer) and I know that I love some movies, tv series and songs so much more than actual persons…but that’s still not specific enough, to lead to a really satisfying definition of those words, at least for me.

Maybe it’s a bit late to write all this, since many impressions and especially thoughts are already lost forever, or at least deep down in my mind, but I’ll try…

First of all, I should mention, that I’ve been to Indonesia 6 times now, starting with my first trip there in March 2006. Ever since, I’ve been there 5 more times. The 2^nd time was July 2006, the 3^rd time was December06/January07, the 4^th time was March/April 2007, the fifth time was August 2007 and the last time was August/September 2008, the last two trips included shorttrips to Singapore.

The first visit was quite an eyeopener to me about this country, and it’s been my first trip alone. On the downside, I didn’t really get to see too much(I never saw too much of the country actually) and I didn’t take too many memories and impressions, but it was a start.

What I’ve still in mind until now is not my rather crappy first gf(who was 50% of the reason of me, going there, the other half was pure interest in Asia), but all the melancholy moments I had in my room there, watching Seinfeld and such things…I also remember my last day there, talking to some guys from the street and my last shopping spree…yeah, but that’s pretty much it.

As for my second trip, it’s been one of my best stayings there. Going there actually, to be there for my first ex gfs birthday, I already knew that I’d end that relationship(due to her flirting and her “promiscious behaviour”), but I was still pretty naive and it took me some time. In the meantime, I met my second gf, which, at that time, made quite an impression on me…thinking of it now, I think the glory’s gone, it’s actually nothing special anymore…but back then, it was the beginning of something very special for me and I thought of it for…well, about 18 months.

My third stay was kinda crappy, as I already knew the city quite well, wanted to see other places, but I was too emotional at that time and thought I’m in love, so I was mostly crying and feeling miserable…in the same time, it was also the beginning of me, being less naive and more confident, thinking of my own needs too, instead of the needs of my gf only.

I’m not sure, looking at it now, if I should regret what I’ve done back then(which I won’t mention here, let’s just say that the angel lost his innocence). In some way, it might have been a harbinger to start up some improvement in my life…in some way, it might be bad, because it’s also the beginning of the process of me, losing all my (positive?) feelings.

After this third visit(and before), I was in my most fragile state…I had to carry not just my own depressions and problems, but also those of someone else(it’s been my own fault though). Thinking of it now, I can’t really understand myself anymore, it was never worth all the trouble and I’ll never do all this again, not even if I’d ever be married(which I doubt btw).

It was also the time, in which my life and my future was on the edge…but thanks to god, he gave me a second chance…of course I had to struggle harder, but I got a second chance.

Unfortunately, my metamorphose wasn’t completed yet, and even though my brain seemed to be awake from it’s Cinderalla sleep now, I completed the “we-knew-it-couldn’t-work” story and “read” the last chapters, just to see that I was right and already knew the ending…

But maybe I had to do that as a part of my development?

Anyhoo, the 4^th trip became sort of a drag, since I was more aware of the unfairness and lack of mutuality now, so I was fighting back, yet I forced myself not to freak…which now I know, I should have done back then…so more time was wasted, and there’s not too much to say about my trips number 3 and 4.

I came back for a fifth time, but I realized, that I’m not really going there anymore for a specific person, I’m going there for nobody but myself and the country itself! And eventhough I was in a “relationship”, I never felt that way(probably because in my last weak moment of emotionality, I agreed to be in one, eventhough I never had any feelings like that).

So of course, this time I really made use of my new status and did what I wanted, and not what other peoples wanted me to do or to want or to feel…I was free!And in this one week of freedom, I learned more about myself and others than in all the years before. I saw how easy it is, to go down the path of evilness and I saw that I can be quite a pain in the ass if I want to…and, even more interesting, I saw that I totally didn’t care about that! I just had enough probably, of all the “being commanded” and never speaking up before, that I had to go overboard a little(sexually), maybe also to see, that it’s not really as great as most people say…

I think it was the breaking point…the point at which I was exactly in the middle between old, naive Florian, who’s innocent and does everything for his relationships, even he got this great talent to pick the crappiest girls who give him nothing but headaches and between the current Florian, who has no such feelings like pity, love etc, whatsoever and who’s just a cold thinker and being plain rational instead of emotional. Sure, there’s still some pity or care, but that’s just for people who never did anything to me, and it’s more or less just good manners.

So all signs were set to storm when I went to the airport for the sixth time in 2.5 years to fly to Indonesia…

I remember that I felt kinda funny at the airport, quite alienated…I saw all those people from all kind of countries, frolicking happily around the airport, looking forward to fly to their destinations or getting back to their homes…

Homes…yeah, it seemed like they all knew, where to find THEIR home…and that insists that they all FELT home somewhere…

Not me…I felt not home in Germany at that(or any moment), and neither did I feel, like I’d really feel at home in Indonesia…let’s face it, with no sugar coating, Indonesia’s not heaven on Earth either, mostly because I can’t seem to find what I’m looking for in there either.

Anyway, at that time it was too late, and I was on my way already…

The whole travelling process is something, about which I’ve mixed feelings…it can be kinda nice to get to know travel acquaintances(like exchanging names and adresses, although you know, you’ll never talk to each other later anyways), but it’s really annoying me, how passengers insist, to put their seats in a downward position…don’t they know, that it’s making the flight even more uncomfy for me? And then the food in planes…always been a target of comedians, I can’t say much about it that hasn’t been said yet, but even though I used to look forward to it in the past, it seems like they never update their menue, it’s always the same kinda stuff…well, maybe if you’re already treated like cattle, you may as well get the same food, I guess…

So yeah, not too much to say about the trip, unless that Emirates really starts to suck big times(more about that later) and I hate those safety announcements in English AND Arabic…those stupid Arabs should learn English or go, f**k themself, why do I need to hear this crap 2 times? It’s just interrupting valuable time in which I could watch some movies or stuff, but no, they HAVE to force me to hear this shit…I mean, in a real case of emergency, I bet NOBODY will respect or remember the safety rules, so what’s all the hassle about?

Yeah, anyways, I arrived in Jakarta after a 15 hour flight(6.5 to Dubai, 8.5 to Jakarta) and I was beat…then, it seems like more and more stupid Europeans seem to fly to Jakarta, which is really annoying for me, cos I hate those idiots…ok, the Indos in the plane aren’t much better honestly, they never knew how to line up and always cut lines, but at least they don’t block the visa counters…but the Europeans and Americans and all those:S?Gee, it seems like they never heard about the visa process, they just slow me down…and as nice as Soekarno Hatta looks from the inside(and has this specific odeur I start to like), I don’t want to live there…

So I finally got passed the immigration and came to the “VIP area”…I kinda hate to go out there, everyone’s starring at you and many guys offer you to carry your stuff or a taxi or all that stuff I don’t really need…thanks god it was down to a minimum and I walked straight to my friend Dian, who was already waiting for me. After we hugged each other and she introduced me to her mother(who accompanied her), we went to the car of some guy she met at the airport and who took us to my guesthouse in town.

After arriving there, checking in and taking a shower and a nap, my stay in Jakarta really began. But what was I supposed to do with my time there now?
Learning from the past, i didn’t make a big plan(cos you can’t really do that in Indonesia, unless you’re totally on your own, and even then, it’s limited). I just wanted to enjoy my time there, do some of my tasks I’d planned to complete there and tried to meet up with my “friends”…well, some of them WERE(and still are) friends…but friendly speaking, a lot of those people, that pretty much everyone here at friendster or myspace or anywhere calls “my friends” were just a bunch of immature, spoiled brats, who made me just really mad.

It’s one thing, if you’re coming late(which is a common Indonesian attitude for many,yet not all), but iT’s another thing, to give you stupid excuses or no reason at all…some people never showed up, some simply assumed a lot of bullshit about me and some were stalking me…

And I must say, it’s just too much for me now…I won’t judge a whole nation and it’s people for the mistakes of a few, but if those few become many, and if those many are stealing my time, it’s really making me angry…

After all, I’m trying to find people in my life, whom can truly understand me, who I am, why I am this way, and who don’t push me to anything or try to pull my leg over and over again.

It seems that almost everyone I met(those who are the exception should know it, so if you feel offended by what I say now, you’re NOT the exception, you dumbass!) was totally immature, unfair, totally spoiled, kinda bitching with me and others, really naive and/or shallow…the list goes on and on…

I already “left” Germany and gave up about most people here, because that’s actually the way I saw most Germans for 22 years…but being in Indonesia more and more often, I’m really amazed in a negative way, of how badly things are over there…it’s not like there’s a lack of education(which I could excuse, due to poverty in some cases), but it’s moreover the ignorance and the missing will to learn anything new or important in their live…

Those people I’m talking about just surpress the reality, if it comes in their way, they bend the truth and reality until it fits with them and their lifestyle…they claim to be mature and superior, but they’re just totally pathetic…the worse thing is, they piss you off perfectly, by dragging you, into their fucked up world, then they leave you there, just leave completely, and you get no chance at all to get rid of them, because they’re too cowardly and timid to show up again. They don’t reply SMS and don’t answer the phone, if you try calling them.

Now THAT’S what I call “mature behaviour”;)

But of course it’s ME who gets the blame, cos they use their poor analytic skills on me, trying to put me into their two-colored world, in which, of course, i don’t fit in…preaching about me and my lifestyle, while they don’t know NOTHING about me…and giving me smartypants answers about “not judging the book by it’s cover” and other contradictions…

And I’ve just had it with them, I just don’t want it anymore…it happens OVER AND OVER AGAIN! Those who didn’t piss me off this way, bored me in another…and those who keep showing me the silver line on the horizon must get good drugs or they simply don’t get me, cos there’s no silver line for me, but I see things from another angle, from another point of view.

Maybe this is, where I, with all due respect, and without that I want to sound cocky, where I felt, like I really beat them in every field(except stuff like drinking and partying).

I AM more mature than them, I think about the future(maybe too much, but that’s a problem, for which you have to reach a certain level anyway) and it’s just impossible for them and me to meet on the same intellectual level…

I know this really sounds cocky, but is it my fault, that most people simply tend to deceive themself all day, all life? There could be many like me, if they’d just open their damn eyes and take a look at reality! But they prefer to keep trying converting me…or they try to brand me as an outcast…poor fools, don’t they know that I’m an outcast by nature? I’m ok with being one, cos that’s my choice and I even see it as my honour, because at least it declasses them from me(that’s at least how I see it) and makes me somewhat special…because it takes guts to stand up for your own opinion and your own standards, and if they don’t like it, their bad, not mine…

And if being me means, that I’ll be single forever, then be it! I can deal with it, while those people are lying, lying and lying again…mostly to themself…it’s so easy to mess with them and to manipulate them…and sometimes again, it’s almost impossible, cos their plain stupidity gets in the way…they’re like lemmings, and instead of saving them for a really funny and entertaining death(in which you could lead them easily, metaphorically speaking), they already fall off the cliff, not even realizing it, still having a goofy smile on their face…and yet it’s me again who loses in such a case…

So in conclusion, I’ve had it with those idiots…I decided now, that such things like love and marriage are things for simple minds…at least if you see it on a level of pure emotions…I have no emotions for those, and I doubt that I’ll have them in the future…and those people who want to feel pity for me now or preach me, remember, you probably haven’t been on the other side yet, so don’t speak, if you don’t know what’s my language, ok?

I guess I lost my place somehow, since I wanted to talk about my trip, but what’s left to tell there? I had some more encounters over there(in more than one way), most of them were a bit of an eyeopener to me and gave me valuable experience and teached me more about myself and my life and how to play with humans…but the best part of my trip was probably to achieve 2 goals and to add more value to my daily life(talking about piracy and food) with the few things that still make me happy…and to see, that I’m still not done yet(and far from it) to find someone who can really understand me or the way I think. I’ve to continue to find a common language, since this blog hasn’t been an eyeopener to anyone yet…

But I feel confident, since I’m writing more and more blunt, less and less caring about other people’s opinion or feelings…maybe sooner or later, I’ll write down just everything I ever did, uncovering all the secrets I’m still withholding…

Anyways, thanks for reading this(whoever did so), if you read this whole blog, please spare me the shallow answer, try to read between the lines or keep it for yourself, I really don’t want to moan over more misinterpretation or suchlike.

Terima kasih/Thanks/Danke/Gracias/Gracie/Merci/Domo Arrigato/Spatsiba

Sunday after Sunday, I’m sitting in my room and I’m totally depressed…today was rather lucky, because I could at least cry(which I hardly can, even if I want to), but usually it’s even worse…

Usually, I can only sit around or lie in my bed, feeling so completely hopeless and fucked up…not capable to feel the smallest glance of hope or to see the smallest ray of light…

And somehow, nobody understands the way I feel…

The names of those who tell me that I wouldn’t be alone, because I’d have “many friends” is legion, but they don’t know me either…they think they are my friends or that they know me…but even if I wish they would, they don’t…nobody really knows me, and I hardly know anyone who’s getting close…

It’s just a difference if you just know people and you have lots of acquaintances or if you REALLY k now someone and you have some sort of soulbonding relation between each other…and that’s something that I can’t find in any of those so called friends…

I don’t blame them, I just wish people would understand my situation, it would be a first step to understand EACH OTHER. But why do I feel like we’re from two different worlds?

I just can’t get used to the common lifestyle of the majority of the inhabitants of this planet…

And they aren’t capable or willing to understand me and tolerate me. I’m always somewhat of an outcast or totally misunderstood or neglected.

Maybe I wouldn’t even mind that, if I didn’t have to interact with other human beings all the time, being part of what we call “civilisation”…but I have to, so it’s quite tricky.

This summer showed me once again that instead of somehow catching up, I’m just drifting apart further and further…also from who I was…

I already changed last summer, but if I compare the summer of 2007 and the summer of 2008, I can see yet another change…and I don’t know if I’ve to say a change for good or for bad…

An important sign of this change is my loss of emotions and the tendency to become more and more rational and a cold, logical person. It seems like there’s no more space for emotions in my heart and my soul…I don’t feel love anymore, neither for others, nor for myself.

What is love anyway? I’ve asked myself this question over and over again, but my explanations vary and change…

Currently, I’d say that love is more or less dellusional. People may think that I am too self confident maybe or that it’s daring to say so, but I dare to say it anyway: I feel like love is something for simple minds! It’s something that’s like a “disease” for the common people, the average Joe…or in other words, love is sort of like the hindrance you’ve to overcome in the way of logic and rational thinking. And so are all likewise emotions.

But what would be the aim? And where’s the crossroad where we can decide which way we can go? How come that I can’t remember deciding to go the way of cold, cold logic instead of the way of emotion?And where does this path take me? Is it more or less like this, that your life is somehow destined and that if you follow the (more common) path of emotion, you will live a life full of emotions, with all the benefits(which?) and disadvantages?And if you follow the path of logic, you will choose the rather special and desolate path of great thinkers and pioneers, of people who made a difference in this world, because they were so different from the others?
If this would be how it is, then wouldn’t it mean, that we AREN’T the architects of our own future? Does every single one of us really have his/her own destiny, which he/she has to follow, no matter what?

I just wish I would know the answer to these questions…maybe it would be easier to accept your destiny if you know that it’s inevitable?

I can’t help it, but I’m actually not a friend of destiny, by which I mean, I don’t believe in destiny too much. It’s just against all Reason for me, to think that we our actions have no influence on the future, or that our actions in the present, which create the future, are already destined from the long past…

I see too many people around me every day, living their lives without any certain plan or destination….they have this awful “let it flow” attitude which makes me mad!

And yet it’s like fighting windmills, if I’m getting upset about this, since their number is legion and it seems to be impossible to “convert” them.

Do I even want company on my journey, my struggle? Or do I subconsciously enjoy to be somewhat special and extraordinary? Maybe I’d just need one or a few persons who really understand me completely so I wouldn’t have to feel that alone anymore…

While for now, I feel like I’m a total alien, not belonging here…