My Blog

Gee, what happened to me? I feel like I live in different lifes, in different worlds…2 worlds, both not complete as a standalone, but merged into one, they make somehow sense(almost). Just kept together by insanity, music and the repeating daily life, that shows no mercy whatsoever and keeps sucking our energy, until we’re left in our empty shell…

In a few days, I’ll fly to Indonesia again…and who am I right now? Time for some remeninisce…

It’s just 16 months ago, that I’ve been on my way to meet “wifey”. I still had feelings, I was still somehow innocent. I still believed in some lies which are part of our life and I had higher moral values and standards. Well, that’s so yesterday already…and after my arrival, I had such emotional moments(e.g. the airport, TA, the nights in my room or in the car when I thought about “her”)…

And now? Now I seem to be quite a reckless person, a counterfeit of the old me…still looking the same on the outside, but totally different on the inside. Now I know, I’ve said this many times before, but I feel like it’s getting more and more drastical…I feel like I start to drown in a web of lies, lies that I’m telling myself in order to function…And gee, how heartless I became! Just last week, I told this guy who tried to be my friend for almost a year, that I don’t really care about him anyways and that I’m more worried about the book of mine that he still got than about him…and do I feel remorse? NO! None whatsoever! I just feel quite pissed off with him and his pseudointellectual blabber, with all his complaints and whining(on a high leve, I might add). He already “died” in my eyes when he told me for the first time that friendship doesn’t excist and that I’m not a friend either. Gee, he really didn’t get my point then. I told him right from the start that I don’t believe in friendship anymore and that it takes a lot more than his silly thoughts about how friendship is to really get into me.

Too timid to tell me things face to face, he always complained about me behind my back…and started to find other friends, but failed(he could have realized by that, that for some people, it’s just impossible to find happiness from human bonding cos it takes rare special persons for that, but of course he’s too young and not mature or selfcritical yet to understand and realize that). So yeah, he just kept blaming me, that I’d complain too much, that life is hopeless, that he wants to die and all…gee, I just couldn’t hear it anymore. Too many times did I waste hours of my private time to talk to him, trying to convince that there’s a sense after all… maybe it’s not nice to tell white lies, but I think I had my generous moments and felt like he’s my protegé…anyhow, he didn’t listen to what I said(just to realize later that I was right, although he didn’t admit that I told him about this first) and just kept up with his selfish act. Of course, I’m the last one to blame anyone for being selfish, since I am quite an opportunist myself…but I’m someone who prefers honesty and I’m kinda blunt. He wasn’t…he always showed his double standards and how he thwarted himself because he said this, but did that.

So am I a bad person, because I told him frankly how he’s pissing me off? Maybe for some people I am…but I don’t give a damn! I’ve been mocked around long enough, I don’t need that anymore. And if life teached me one thing, than this:
Life’s a bitch and you’ve to be kinda bitchy yourself with it in order to survive!

So yeah, I don’t give a damn with all those fake people, all those damn bloody hypocrites. I won’t waste any second with them(unless I play with them for my amusement) and I’ll concentrate myself on the few persons who are meaningful to me…

Of course I won’t mention these people here(cos I don’t want anyone to harm them, just cos they might hate me). But I have a caring side after all…I surely care for “wifey” and I care for some family members(though not all) and I care for another person who’s quite close to me at the moment. I may not be able to feel love at the moment(or forever), unless for “wifey” maybe, but what the heck…you’ve to be delirious to think that love is everything in life or that it’s more than the adding of a few lucky and happy moments. I think it’s better to live for the moments and to try to assure that you’ll have more of them a plenty, then to cry and whine about the misery today. Cos after all, what can you do? Get mad, be on a killing frenzy, but don’t show weakness! If you get smacked in the face, laugh! If someone tries to rip out your heart, show him that you don’t have any anymore…and concentrate on the very few people who’re actually worth all the trouble…but don’t waste any more time on all the rest. Being nice doesn’t pay off that much and the nice guys are only good for one thing: To be abused by the bad guys!

So lately I’ve started this new practical
training at the Fraunhofer Institution in Stuttgart, near the campus of
the Stuttgart university…every day, I enter the train, passing Rohr,
Vaihingen, Österfeld and then Universität. Until then, I’m still
together with the sell-outs in their monkey suits…but once I left the
train…TEMPTATIONS! Everywhere I look, I see Asians, they frolic
freely, roaming across the campus and in the subway station…

And
each time I see them, I feel like someone who’s on a diet while he has
to pass through a gourmet restaurant each day before he can reach his
work place…I’m cursing and swearing about "Damn, what a torture,
screw you, destiny, with your cruel jokes" while I’m trying to resist
the urge to throw myself in front of the next train because I don’t
have the time to try to hook up with any of these nice students and I
curse the other non-Asian students and wish they’d all drop
dead…lousy, lucky punks, you don’t even know how lucky you really
are, do you?

But what is it about Asians that I love so much? Do I love all Asians? Do I love only Asians?

Well…I’d like to answer some of these questions here…

I. What I love about Asians?

Well…that’s
not really easy to answer…I think it’s their fine complexion, their
almond-shaped eyes and their long, black silky hair. I love their
caring personality and their simplicity about certain things. Unlike
many girls I’ve met here, they don’t really make such a big fuss about
everything, it’s not like a knights quest to find out whether she’s
interested or not…either she likes you and you’ll know, or she isn’t
interested and you’ll know too…Cauci girls, why don’t you learn from
your Asian sisters here?

II. Do I love all Asians?

Not
really…well, I guess I’ve to say that I’m not actually a racist or
xenophobic. It just happened to be comfortable for me to maintain
certain prejudices about certain groups, cos they proved me right over
and over again about their simplicity and stupidity and their
shallowness, while other groups didn’t…but just to be fair, I sure as
hell know a lot of people in Asia who aren’t much different from all
the fucked up morons I’ve to deal with over here every day…

Mainly,
I hate Caucasians for their ignorance and lack of tolerance…but then
again, I’ve seen that in Asia many, many times…but, being used to it
from here, I guess I became more tolerant about it and I tend to pick
the raisins while I leave the messy dough…

So
no, I definitely don’t love all Asians as I definitely don’t hate all
Caucasians…I just try to see myself as a global citizen and not
particularly belonging to a certain nation whatsoever. Asia just has
the benefit to come along with rather pleasant and more suitable
conditions for my needs. That’s probably the whole secret:). But yeah,
I’ve to admit, I’m really into Japanese, Korean and Chinese…yet on
the other hand, I didn’t had too much to do with them, I especially
never met any Korean or Japanese so far…so this is probably a rather
romantic glorification, but I’m aware of it.

Though
on the other hand, there are some Asians who aren’t really my type(at
least if it comes down to looks only) and those are mostly girls from
Indonesia, Singapore, Malaysia or India. But yeah, if you read this
blog, you’ve to keep in mind that I’m just being blunt and I wouldn’t
say a person who ever gave too much about looks in a girl in his past
life…so I think there’s nothing wrong if finally, I give in to some
pure vanity…is there? And hey, just cos I didn’t meet a girl there
yet who’s really my type, it doesn’t mean that this won’t happen,
right? I mean, take just the 4 countries I named and you’ll get a
potential 1,5 billion people and among them probably more than 50%
girls, maybe 40% of them in an interesting age…leaves much chances,
doesn’t it?

III. Do I love only Asians?

I guess I partially answered that question in answer no. 2…but I’ll try to explain it more precise maybe.

It’s true, whenever I see Asians in Germany, my first thought is:
"Damn, wow, an ASIAN!!!I wanna be his/her best friend, I want to know all about him/her, I want to date her!"

And
everytime I see them near me or even being on the same bus like me, I
feel like I’m being tortured…then my only wish is that I’d be alone
with this person, so I could approach him/her without any hassle of the
narrow-minded Germans around me. But of course my wish never comes
true, so I’ve to see the object of my desire, slowly being taken away
from my life as fast as he or she came into it:’(. What a rip off!

And
beside having these thoughts, I’m also pushing my self-confidence by
guessing the nationality of the person…most of the time, it’s quite
easy, since most Asians here are Chinese…but I really start to
develop an eye for this, and I’m sure I saw a few Indonesians, Thais
and Vietnamese lately too…

So yeah, I love Asians…BUT not only…

Surprisingly, I also catch myself, being attracted by a ethnic group I didn’t know I’d even still be aware of: CAUCASIANS!
Now everyone who knows me since a while, knows that I really despise
them(even I’m one of them, but hey, I didn’t ask for it, right?) and
that my opinion about Caucasian girls-how can I put this politely-isn’t
really the best. Yet I’ve to say, they usually got the ability to
divert my attention from other things or channel it onto them,
especially if they have some "Asian features", like black hair or, not
actually Asian(I guess), if they seem to be quite dark, gloomy and very
self-confident, yet also self-centered. Thought it might be mostly
simple sexual attraction, I’ve to say that some of these girls would
really be my type…but too bad that I’ve closed that chapter a long
time ago and I decided not to lower myself anymore by courting anyone
like that…and I haven’t been in the situation lately that I happened
to be alone with any of those mysterious beauties…how unlucky, isn’t
it?

Now
in conclusion, I still couldn’t really open the mystery box and find
out what it is that fascinates me so much about Asians( but only a
certain type of them). But I sure as hell know that if you see a guy in
Germany, almost drawling and walking mechanically without much thinking
after some Asian girl-well, that’s probably me then…so just say hi
and introduce me to yourself and all your Asian friends, why don’t
you;)?