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Do you know
this feeling, when a certain odeur or song or maybe a (scene from a) movie
reminds you of something pleasant in the past? When you’re overwhelmed by
melancholy and you’re yearning for the past?

That’s
what’s happening to me lately(and ever since)…I can’t stop thinking about the
time from March 200 until April 2007…I’m smolding in memories…

These days,
I’m killing time, watching SEINFELD on dvd. Seinfeld’s something I used to
watch on Star Channel during my first stay in Indonesia in March 2006…I still
remember my first night in Jakarta, after my arrival at the airport. I just met
my first gf at that time, and it was a very strange feeling(due to her strange
behaviour). As far as I can remember, she cooked something for me that evening,
and then she had to go home and I was left alone…in a strange country, with
no one around, no one to talk to…in my first night, I eventually started
crying, I’m not sure anymore if it was happiness(cos I couldn’t believe my
luck) or sadness.

But I still
remember watching several episodes of Seinfeld, every evening, usually after I
accompanied my gf to her taxi…now that I come to think about it, I think it
shows, that I had high hopes in this girl, but she smashed them from day
one…and to escape from reality, and to keep the illusion, I was deceiving
myself. I didn’t want to “wake up” from my nice dream(and being in a
relationship had always been my number one aim in life until that day).

So I was
pretending to myself and my gf, that it’s all about her and she’s my
world…but to avoid to drift off to insanity, I was assimilating my
environment(which was Indonesia at that time).

Under those
special circumstances and conditions, is it any wonder that I now have such a
strong affection to this country? It’s been like an empty shell, and I put all
my hopes and dreams, all my illusionary and real things, simply everything that
says ME into it.

Indonesia
became more to me than just a simple country or a spot at a map:
It became a part of me, it’s running through my vessels like my blood.

Although
this first relationship wasn’t lasting for long, I can now see that the
conditions( being with someone who obviously isn’t too mad about you) still
kept a certain distance between me and the country…but that all changed so
much on my second visit.

In July 2006(I won’t ever forget the date), I landed in Indonesia again. Some
things already felt like routine(like the pick up from the airport and the ride
to Permata Hijau), while other things were new(the first ride was during day
time, now it was 9 pm and dark outside).

But some
things never change…even I was dying to sleep WITH my gf(not talking about
sex), I had to sleep alone once again…and I was having bad luck, since my
shampoo in my suitcase had been damaged, and it spilled my clothes, my books,my
CD…just everything!

I’ve done a
lot of thinking at that time…because it was an akward situation…I felt very
tensed, like I didn’t want to lose any time…my first relationship was already
dying at that time, and I was very eager to meet someone else(she became my 2^nd
gf then), but I had to get rid of my first relationship first…

But due to
an experience about assumptions I’ve made a few months before, I wanted to be
very careful, I didn’t want to make any mistakes I could regret later…

So it took
me a few days to make my decision. What surely had a very strong influence on
me, was the fact, that I met my 2^nd gf behind my 1^st gfs
back(I was very pissed off, that even after 2 days, there wasn’t any progress
to see) and going out with her, always at a night time(it was always dark
outside) satisfied a primal urge in me…a primal urge to have some romantic
moments, to have a real “date”, to have butterflies in your stomache…and
that’s all been something that’s been suffocated in my first relationship, but
now I could just give in to the feeling, and it felt so great!

I still
remember, how especially the song “Sudah” by Nidji brought me into a very
melancholy mood…I think we’ve been listening to this song, while my 2^nd
gf and her best friend brought me back to my apartment the other day. That song
was brand new at that time, and even I didn’t understand a word(at least back
then), I really loved the opening of that song…it just matched so well with
the image of my heart and feeling inside…

And driving
around in a big city at night, holding hands, looking in each others eyes like
dorky teenagers with a huge crush on each other…those were the ingredients
I’ve been searching for so long, to bake a cake of love, made out of my heart’s
cooky dough…

So is it
any wonder that I didn’t want to listen to the warning signs? Maybe I could
have seen it coming, but at that time, everything just seemed too perfect…

After a
couple of really wonderful and enlighting moments, I knew that I prefer to be
with this girl, much more than with the other girl…Because she could satisfy
my urge for romance, my urge for butterflies in my stomache, my urge for all
the things I’ve been dreaming of when I was little…

As people may
know, I’ve never had a gf until a few months after my 20^th
birthday…so it was a very long time, to dream and plan the situations to
come…maybe too long?
Plus, I didn’t have the time other young folks had…my whole love life, my
whole romantic sceneries, my dreams, everything…it all had to happen in a
month or less…dating each other, getting to know each other, falling in
love…all those things had to happen in such a short time, is it any wonder
that the result was far from being perfect?

But then
again, I wouldn’t wanna miss that time…this wonderful, wonderful, almost
neverending hug, the first time I met her…the way I felt when she was holding
my hand while driving…how she whispered in my ear that she begs me not to
hurt her, while I was sitting at the windowsill with her, with her friends
being in the other room…she, having tears in her eyes…me, having
butterflies in my stomache, and ignoring, that I didn’t really love her as a
person( I simply didn’t know her well enough yet), but loving the feelings she
gave me, and therefor loving her out of pure graditude…at least that’s what I
think that it is now…

Because I
really remember it very well, how I felt very guilty with her…I surely liked
her, and I surely loved the way she made me feel…but maybe I was just being
too overwhelmed by those feelings I had to wait for so long? Other teens had
4-10 years to develop and enjoy those feelings…and I had them for not even a
month, being so overwhelmed…it was like being totally stoned, due to an
overdose of romantic!

And yes,
I’ve made many mistakes…too much of them?Probably…it doesn’t matter anymore
if there’s someone who should be blamed…I’m just grateful for the time and
those feelings…

Something,
that is really like a bridge, back to those times, are two tv shows I haven’t
seen in Germany ever…these shows are “Dragonball” and “Yu Yu
Hakusho”(especially this one).

Due to the
fact, that both, my 1^st and my 2^nd gf were still studying
at that time, I had to wait for them to be done so I could meet them. And while
I was waiting, I didn’t have anything to do, but to watch tv…kinda hard, if
90% of the programme is held in a language you can’t understand…so I choose
the only 2 channels, also broadcasting in English…and due to an
coincidence(or not?), I was watching “Animax” at that time. Especially those 2
shows caught my attention, maybe because Dragonball had a good story, and Yu Yu
Hakusho was quite catchy, plus, it wasn’t that kiddie-like like most other
shows there…

So because
I really started to like these shows, I also came to watch them with my gf
being around me…I built a certain “relationship” to the whole scenery
BEDROOM-TV-GIRLFRIEND-APARTMENT. The whole thing became like a bookmark to/for
my memories…

And everytime
I’m thinking about the past again, I’m also thinking about these shows…it
isn’t really about what actually happened in the show…it’s more like a
symbol, a metaphore…it’s like the entry to my memories, leading further, to
the real precious memories…like I was dancing in the Indonesian rain the
other night…or how we drove through the whole city after a wedding, being
kinda tired, having a fight before…but finally feeling, like we both need and
want and love each other…

It’s hard
for me to say if I finally fall in love or not…maybe this one day, when I was
invited and asked to join her to a wedding of her friend, and I was being quite
a pain in the ass until I finally agreed to go with her(cos I realized that she
wants me to come, and I realized that I want to please her),maybe this one day
was a turning point.

And the
funny thing is…either “Yu Yu Hakusho” or “Dragonball” was on, when I had such
deep thoughts…like when I realized, that this girl(my 2^nd gf)
really seems to care for me, to need me, to love me…and that I’d be stupid to
let her slip through my fingers…onto that point, I was rather enjoying my
freedom(it was the first time in my life since years, that I didn’t think too
much, I just did whatever I felt like) and being carefree…

So it might
be difficult to explain(and even harder to understand) why I love my memories
so much…but I’m really yearning for those days…I’m dying to have the same
feeling again, and I’m totally desperate, because I never felt anything equal…

When my
trip finally came to an end, and after she brought me to the airport, I was
actually a little bit surprised, that even though I missed her, I didn’t
cry…but before I entered the plane, she called me, with a tear-suffocated
voice, telling me that she’d love me…

And when I
sat down in the plane, I knew that this is it: It’s absolute happiness and
satisfaction, I couldn’t feel any better and happier than this! And I prayed
and asked god, that if I have to die, I hope it would be just right now,
because I’d die as a happy man!

Somehow, I
wish I could cry while I’m writing this…it is definitely very painful for me
to remember all of this…but it’s a very pleasant pain, a melancholy…this
time may never come back, those feelings may never come back…but at least I’m
having my memories as my own shelter, from this cruel, harsh world…I can
always remember, that, even it was just for the wink of an eye, but I had found
perfect happiness…and even many things went the wrong way afterwards, but at
least onto that point, I’ve nothing to feel bad about, because I’ve reached
such a stage of personal enlightning.

So I guess
the title of the song is quite true…Sudah…over…it’s over, yes…I’ve to
accept the fact, that my days of innocence, my days of naive fairy tale love,
of bittersweet romance and romantic feelings, wonderful dreamlike rides through
the night and the magic of moments, happening for the first time ever, are
over…and I know that nobody and nothing will or can ever make me feel this
way…

I was
holding on to this relationship, even when everyone else could see that it’s
not good China or porcelaine, but just simple clay…but I did it for a reason!
And this reason is my wish to never forget…to never forget what happened,
what happened inside of me, and what happened around me.

I can’t say
what love is anymore…I might be a heartless and a cold person now…but at
least I know that it’s not always been like that, and that I’m still able to
feel some love…and this love is the love for my memories…

Another
weekend…and once again, I made a few more steps to my grave…there’s not much
that actually happened this weekend…but that’s already a constant state in my
life, it’s always the same shit! And no matter what I tried so far, nothing can
change it…I was quite optimistic and actually, I’ve been looking forward for
this weekend(it’s been a long weekend), because I hoped, that I’m able to enjoy
it…

But what
happened? Not much…I had my friend here for company, but he’s even gloomier and more suicidal than
I am, so he wasn’t much of a help for me, he was rather a downer…

On
Thursday, I received a phone call from someone, who played a big role in my
life over the last 2 years…this phone call showed me, why I can’t see any
progress in my life right now…

It reminded
me, who I’ve been 2 years ago…and people can tell me as often as they want,
that the past is the past and we’ve to look forward in our life…but it’s easy
to say that, isn’t it?
I don’t know, but it isn’t easy for me to move on with my life, because to move
on, you need something new, right? You have to make a change with your life, a
cut…to see the difference between the old and the new life…but my life has
been dull 2 years ago, it has been dull 5 years ago, and it’s being dull this
very moment…

Too many
people think that they’d know me so very well…but I’m different, the rules
and regulations of this world don’t fit on me…I don’t want to sound cocky, it’s
not like I’m superior or anything…I’m just different…maybe there are many
people out there like me, but I don’t know them, and they don’t know me…and
even if, I think people like that(including me) aren’t capable to see other
people who are just like them…We’re caught in our own world…it’s not a
world of illusion, but it’s a world, where the past plays a big role…either
we refer to the past, to say that there’s no hope for the future…or we’re
stuck in the past, because it was the only happy time we had in our life, and
even we’re waiting and waiting, there won’t be another happy time for us…

The average
Joe might not understand it, and that’s why they avoid us…and we might envy
the average Joe for his ability to deceive himself or to fade out
reality…because that’s something people like me can’t do…but we aren’t
actually trying to pick a fight, we just want to be tolerated and accepted for
who we are…because we weren’t asking for this disease and we aren’t the
reason for it! And it’s definitely NOT in our hand to make ourself feel
better…

I had found
my happiness…at least a last resort…I felt so happy, being in a new
environment, with new people…I received care, love, attention…something,
that I didn’t know from my family life…at that time, I realized, that friends
and family aren’t reliable things in your life…you can’t count on them too
much, because even if it’s not their fault, but your family is usually not with
you 24/7 and neither are your friends…and while your family is always there
somehow(unless they die), your friends desert you sooner or later, because of
changing jobs, or they’ve to relocate to another city or country, or they get
married or something and forget about you or you get out of touch…the only constant
person in your life, could be the person you marry…at least that’s what I
thought back then.

It was so
wonderful and so new for me, to feel needed…back then, I still had a faith in
love, and I had the ability to fade out, that love is something that happens
mostly in our head and is mostly dellusional…

But I made
the wrong choices…I choose the wrong person to be with, because it was a
person, who wasn’t sure about her own life or what she wants…that was my
biggest mistake…i don’t know if I should blame her, but she definitely had
the key to my happiness in her hand…but she didn’t see it and she didn’t make
use of it…

And damn,
how I miss those times…how wonderful it felt, to drive around the city at
night, to be just “normal” for once…it was like a new start in a place, where
nobody knows yet, how fucked up I am and how twisted…I could still pretend to
be just like the average Joe…

But the
whole sharade ended…it ended, because other people didn’t want to accept,
that I did, what everyone else does all the time…

During the
whole weekend, I kept listening to this song by Good Charlotte, “break apart
her heart”…I don’t know, maybe I never realized it before, because I’ve never
been in such a melancholy mood, when I listened to it, but this song is
definitely a perfect song, to describe the relationship between a couple, who
broke up already…I could dedicate this song to both my first 2 exgfs…

Because it
really seems like nobody appreciates what you’ve done for him/her, until they
suffer under the same conditions like you(just that yours were even worse,
because your partner never actually cared as much as you did). And you get
angrier and angrier, because they claim to understand your condition and give
you a lot of excuses and apologies, but even they probably mean it, it seems
like scorn to you…

Let me
quote from the song:

”There’s
something I don’t wanna understand
  The
only way a woman’s gonna want a man
  The
only way you’ll ever keep her in your hands
  Is
breaking apart her heart
 Don’t tell her she is the reason that
you live
 Don’t give her everything that you got
to give
 If you want to keep the girl for as
long as you live
 Just break it apart her heart”

Is this
what girls want? Because that’s what I don’t understand…I really had to face
situations like this in my relationships…that I couldn’t understand… that I’m
only wanted and that I can only keep a girl if I treat her badly or like
shit…I’m sorry, even if that’s the common rule for relationships or love, but
then I don’t want to have anything to do with it…I’m probably too weak then,
for shit like this…especially, since I think it’s double standards, if you’ve
to struggle so much for this, while others only take and take…just because I’m
born male, it doesn’t mean that I’m immortal or invincible…

And it
seems to be true, that you should never tell a girl that she’s the reason that
you live(which I did) and that you should never give her everything that you
got to give(I did that too). And if the only way to keep a girl, is to break
her heart apart…then I’m sorry, that’s something I can’t do…

I start to
feel, like I want to make the life of other people just as miserable as mine,
just so they’d see how I’ve to feel every day! I don’t want to do that because
I’m bad, I think about doing it, because I don’t want to be alone! And I am
alone! There is a difference, if you are physically alone or mentally… and
yes, I know that many, many people keep telling me that I’m not alone and that
I’d be a lucky bloke, because there would be many girls being after me and so
on and so on…

But let me
tell you something…I don’t feel lucky! And I don’t know if there are any
girls after me, but if there’d be any girls after me, I’d rather pity
them…because I’m not a good guy in my eyes…I’ve my own problems and I’m
trying to be nice and polite to the people around me…but I definitely don’t
want to be a burden to anyone…It’s twisted, on the one hand, I want to take
care of another human being, I want to be needed…and I want to love…

But how?
The only time in my life, I could actually love someone, I emphasized the girl
I “loved”…I didn’t love who she really is, I loved the image I’ve made out of
her…

And now I’m
painfully reminded of this situation…back then, fairy tale love still worked
for me in my dellusional world, but now, it doesn’t work anymore…now I’m
older and I’m beyond that point, and no matter what I tried lately, nothing can
take me back to this point:(

I’ve been
optimistic about things in the past…and I know most people think I’m gloomy
and pessimistic…but tell me…wouldn’t everyone turn out this way if he or
she would feel sad and joyless for years and years and years, with no break?

I’m sorry,
but I want to see others in my shoes…I’m sure they’d feel hopeless too…

I can see
it with my exgf…she ever made fun of my situation and told me that I’m
dramatizing things…and now she passed about 3-6 months of the feelings I had
for 15 years…and in my eyes, she still had benefits I didn’t have…but
anyhoo, she admitted, that she can understand it now…while she never
understood it before…

So it seems
like people have to pass the same situation first, before they finally
understand, that depressions are something very serious and nothing that you
can underestimate…

I don’t
know how many similar blog entries I’ve already written about this topic…and
I don’t know how many will follow…but I do know, that I need a miracle, and I
need it now!

So please,
dear god…please save me from this pain and this suffering…or let me die,
and save all the nice people who care for me, and who get hurt by my strange
behaviour:(!

I’m just
listening to „At seventeen“ by Janis Ian…it’s an appropriate song for my
current situation and the way I feel…

At
seventeen…what did I do at seventeen?It’s part of my life for sure…did I
“learn the truth”, like Janis Ian sings in her song? Not very likely…Florian
at age seventeen…that was a very naive and insecure, shy young man….very
desolate…dying for certain things in his life…

Hmm…I’ve
been a guy who spent most of his time after school, reading his Science Fiction
books, playing soccer with his brother and his best friend(a 4 year old younger
boy, the son of my mother’s acquaintance)…a chubby guy with a crushed self
esteem, a lot of pimples in his face and being very depressive…

I still
remember this time, even I am sure I didn’t want me to remember it in the
future, when I was myself in the past…because it felt too cruel and hopeless
to me at that time.

At that
time, I just realized, how everything around me seemed so much like
routine…going to school, coming home, doing the same things, day in, day
out… and even if not, at least feeling the same things…

The many
times when I felt so depressed and sad that I thought I’d die because of this
feeling, the times I couldn’t even cry anymore, because I was just too
hopeless…the times when I collapsed on the soccer field, with tears bursting
out of my eyes…and how this all started without one good reason to be
found…there was just nothing I could blame, nothing I could find, which would
have been the major mistake, the reason for all of this…

So despite
going to supermarkets and watching all kinds of movies( and developing a quite
forced insomnia), I didn’t do much…

I had been
rejected repeatedly by girl after girl and yet I felt like it could help me, to
have someone in my life, someone who’d need me and vice versa, someone whom I
could give all my heart and love…it was the time when I still felt so sure
that I’m more than ready for all the responsibilities which come along with
love, that I’d be more than happy to get married and that I thought how much I
wished that my first girlfriend would be my last girlfriend too…

I had those
thoughts, because I still thought that the power of love is strong, that love
actually e xcists…and I guess I was still able to have such feelings.

But nothing
happened…I’d been stuck in my disease and it took me very long to even get my
head up a little bit again.And when I finally felt stronger(because I realized
that you can’t sink any lower than to the bottom,where I were at that time), I
had changed already in some ways…physically, because I had lost 20 kg in 7
months…and also inside, because I saw that I became more and more a
loner…even while I still had dozens of acquaintances and knew so many people,
I didn’t feel the spark….I felt alone, even if I’ve been among hundreds and
hundreds of people…

So I
realized, that I’m lying to myself if I’d say that by simply trying to live
like the others, I won’t find my happiness…it just felt so false, like one
big fraud…but what was the alternative?
Honestly, I didn’t know…I just built my own cocoon around my, my own shall,
my personal space…and I started to have a very close relation to my very own
room…it became like my world for me…

Loneliness
does strange things to ones mind…I don’t know if that happened to me
too…but depressions are a very creative disease, I had a lot of time to
think…and while I’ve been pondering about me, the world, who I am and some
other philosophical questions, I started to realize that many fears I have in
my life are just ballast to me. I mean, why worrying? If I already have a
problem, will I actually feel any better if I worry about it?Will the problem
be gone if I do that?Will it be solved?NO!So why even doing it?I just try to
see everything rational from that point and not too emotional anymore…I was
far from being perfect, but the seed was planted…

Around
2005, I started to get in touch with people all over the world via the
net…and I started to realize, that it’s a new and interesting way to get to
know new people, to find the people who could actually give me
something…something like…I don’t know, food for the soul?

Unlike in
the real world, it was very easy to get to know MANY people in a very short
time…while in the real world, I had much more obstacles and unpleasant
hindrances…

And because
of the internet, I finally got in touch with this wonderful country, that I
learned to love so much:
INDONESIA!

It’s a
rather boring and long story to talk about the girl, who was half of the reason
why I went there for the first time…I rather prefer to talk about, what this
country actually gave me!
All of a sudden, there was a place, where I felt like…like in my mournful
memories about the past or a time I can hardly remember(the time before my
parents divorced). Hard to say why this country caused such a feeling in
me…actually, I couldn’t imagine to just give up and leave my room, at that
time, and it was even more impossible to me to imagine to move to the next
city…but somehow, I could imagine to move to Asia!

I always
had an affection to Asia, even before I went there for the first time…but
actually, my heart was beating for Japan at that time, not Indonesia…anyhow,
it just showed me that there’s a place that seemed to me like nowadays,
undiscovered planets seem to mankind:
A place where’s still something to discover, where there’s hope and new
challenges…

Just after
I returned from my trip to Indonesia, I had to move out from my mom’s place,
because she kicked me out…something, that I couldn’t imagine before it
happened, but somehow, it wasn’t much of a problem for me anymore at that
time…I felt new energy and a sincere will to fight back, to struggle, to
accept the negative things in life…at least for now…

That was
something I lost trough my years of constant sadness and depression…and there
were new feelings, new attitudes…I became more confident, I now had done
things that I always wanted to do, but I didn’t dare them before…and I
started to realize, how quickly I assimilated! People around me showed me their
acknowledgement for what I had done…they said it was brave and took guts to
just buy a ticket and fly to a country where I knew absolutely nobody, unless a
girl I knew since 1 month from a few chats and one 2 hour phone call…was it
crazy?Well, maybe…but I don’t know why, I never really felt scared or
anything…and I didn’t see it as a big thing actually…probably a sign of my
brand new self esteem and my new self confidence…

But the
time right after that was though…my life was actually still empty…and I
felt someone pushed me hard in the face, when I realized how much I depended on
others(in that case, my 1st and later my 2^nd gf). I felt like I can’t
take it…but the difference to my situation now, and my situation before, was,
that now, I had at least one thing in my life to fight and struggle for…maybe
it wasn’t the best reason in the world, and probably(at least if I look at it
now), it wasn’t worth it…but for the bigger good, it was absolutely necessary
and positive for me and who I am!

I learned a
lot of new things…about me…about others…I saw that I’m not as small and
weak as I thought I am…and I felt more and more confidence growing, and
learned how to keep down to earth though…destiny still continued to hit me
constantly, but with each punch, I felt
less and less pain…

And here I
am now, no longer seventeen, but twentytwo…with a change point of view about
many things…I lost my faith in love and I don’t really expect to find “THE
ONE” anymore…I rather except that I’ll live my life alone, because I’m
probably too used to it anyhow…but that’s ok for me…I am who I am, and
nobody can change that…so maybe I pay a high price for integrety, but at
least I can stand up and look at myself in the mirror…and isn’t that
something we should all try to achieve? That we’re being honest with ourself?
And not scared of who we are? Even if we might be “weak” or “weird” in the eye
of the beholder or the public eye?Even if, so be it!At least I know that I’m
really tired and fed up, with people who try to tell me how I have to live my
life…they’re just pathetic…

Haven’t we
been here yet?Didn’t I pass this moment already?Doesn’t this look familiar?

Déjà vu’s
are a part of our daily life…but they’re still a very special thing to me…

Because
they give me the feeling that our life is some sort of weird dream…it feels
like…hmm…like our dreams we have each night aren’t really dreams…that
once we’d fall asleep, our soul or mind leaves our body…and we’re going on a
journey with lightspeed, to some parallel universe or to the REAL world…or
that the dream world is at least another excisting world…so if there’s a déjà
vu, I feel like there’s a malfunction in
THEIR system…it’s like I’m dreaming, but I’m aware of it…I feel confused
and disoriented…I’d need more time to gain all my senses and become a real
danger to THEM…but there’s never enough time…my mind tries to realize and
make us of the impressions I’m under at that moment…but it’s never enough
time for me…

I know this
feeling from my daily life and sometimes from my dreams at night…and I’ve
been pondering about it many times…but right here and right now, it’s a very
nice comparison to my situation…

Because
lately, I really start feeling like this can’t be all true anymore…it seems
just too ludicrous and unreal…my life feels like some sort of joke to me.
Sure, I’m older now, I’m more mature(maybe?), more experienced(definitely) and
more sarcastic…but the same things still happen somehow…the people and
things to happen may vary, they might come along, using a disguise… but
somehow, it’s still all the same…

Our whole
life seems to be so dull and so predetermined…in my eyes, we don’t have too
many choices…we’re born, we’ll go to kindergarten(to be prepared for school),
then we’ve to go to school(to be prepared for work) and then we’ll start
working…and for what?
To have enough money when we’re too old to work and to be able to buy us food,
shelter, warmth and a few, little distractions to surpress the fact that we’re
actually living a very boring life, working like ants for our cluster…

So there
aren’t many choices…the lack of money doesn’t give them to us…from our
birth, we’re being drilled to try to reach a certain level of wealth…yet we
hardly get the tools to be more than a worker ant…it’s just enough to keep us
thinking that we actually DO count and that we’d be actually MORE than a
slave…

Though, if
through some happy coincidence, we DO get some more money, we can quickly see
how money,(and only money)can open us more doors…the more money you have, the
less things you’re forced to do…if you’re a millionaire, it’s not mandatory
to work to earn the money for food, shelter and warmth…and without this duty,
you’ll have more freedoms and more choices…you’ll have the time now, to find
out what you could actually do with your life, once you aren’t part of the
system anymore…or let’s say, once you’re a member of the elite BEYOND the
system…

So how come
that even most people should be aware of this, still don’t make use of their
chances?I guess the answer is simple:

COMFORT!
We’re all slaves of our own comfort…we’re simply too lazy or feel like it’s
too much work and too many sacrifices to commit…so most people might complain
about the life they live and the status they have…but comfort(combined with a
lack of education maybe) keeps them silent and they won’t try too hard…

There’s
something gotta change about it…so let’s start!