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Ow man…it
makes me sick!!!All the people around me, being in love…being so naive to
think they can actually love a person and that it would
last…HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!As if there’d be such a thing like everlasting
love!What’s love anyhow, but a permanent mindf**k?

I really
can’t stand it anymore…all their romantic crap!All their hopes,dreams and
wishes…it makes me so sick!Love doesn’t really excist,folks,love is just a
weakness we’ve to overcome…nothing can make us more vulnerable like
love!Nature doesn’t know love…only the love of an animal for it’s offspring.
And even then, it’s mostly temporary and always rational, never
emotional…like Lions who’d do it with their own daughters or eat them if
their mothers wouldn’t watch them…

So since
nature is created from god’s hand and god is perfect…doesn’t that mean that
nature and the natural circulation is perfect too?And that humanity should
follow it’s rules?But what are natures rules?To frolic freely and to multiply
our own kind!But there’s nothing mentioned about love…and let’s face it…in
some way, it seems to be a new trend…people meet up…they meet for nothing
but sex or a few days to spend…it’s all temporary…and after that,they move
on like nomads…so aren’t all the people who still believe in love and deceive
themself with their corny sweet lies, day in, day out, aren’t they like a
relict?Like something that’s too oldfashioned and too traditional and
conservative to survive in our quick stop, fast food, fast everything society?

And aren’t
guys and girls going into a relationship with totally different perceptions?A
girl usually tends to have slightly unrealistic(and unfair) expectations…many
girls still sit in their ivory tower and wait for Prince Charming and oversee
that they aren’t supposed to be so picky, because everything has rough edges
and nothing’s for free…

And
guys…they seem to see girls very often as nothing but a sexual entertainment
park or a handy cooking- cleaning- and ironing machine…

So why
don’t they just cut the crap?Why are they such hypocrites?Do they really think
that they are so much better than all the others, who failed with love?Do they
think they won’t make the same mistakes like the others already did?
So why not going back to the old principe of mother nature?Women and Men should
only gather for reproductional reasons and then split again.It would be much
more rational, since guys aren’t really meant to be loyal and women aren’t
really meant to love a burden(men), nature gave them only enough feelings for
their own offspring…you see, while guys are already happy to keep their genes
in the race by spreading their semen to as many women they can(despite race or
other things), women prefer to watch the growth and the development of their
genes…but none of this things have something to do with the romantic love
we’re facing after it’s been brought to us by propaganda…in the end,it’s all
about our genes…and if you know a bit about genes,you can even laugh because
it’s so ridiculous and ludicrous of us to think that we could really reach
relative immortality by creating a small likeness of ourself…because already
in the 2^nd generation that follows, the number of original genes in
that persons body is down to less than 1%…

So why do
we have love?The romantic one?Where does it come from?This imagination that we
can really love one person for the rest of our life while mother nature proves
that we aren’t meant to do that…is it all a cosmical test?Should it teach us
to be rational and not emotional?Maybe…because those few couple who really
made it to stick together for a lifetime are surely not feeling “Love” as those
romanticly idealized people who believe in immortal love…they rather used
their senses and sticked together for reasons like paying lower taxes or paying
off the house or because they realized that it’s nicer to die with company than
alone…and we all know,misery LOVES company!

Or does it
excist to idealize our view on the future?Should we have unrealistic hopes so
we won’t realize that our existance hasn’t really a good reason or use for
ourself?

Well, I can
only ask those questions, you’ve to answer it yourself like I have to…

But I want
to add…I wasn’t always like this…I know for sure that I believed in this
whole thing quite a long time ago…but everyone who gets in touch with it
should be aware that it’s just a lie…and even you can surpress or ignore that
knowledge, sooner or later the magic will be fading and therefore, depressing
realism is taking place…that’s what happened to me…I’m a slave of  logic and reason now. Did I ask for
it?Nope…do I wish I could turn back times and get another shot?Hell yeah,
especially if I see all those couples around me that I mentioned above…but
can I do anything?We aren’t in control of our own feelings…our feelings
control us!So I can only pray to god that he’ll find me my pink glasses again
and I can put them on and see the world in a slightly unrealistic way
again…but even it’s all so absurd and mindnumbing, so irrational and stupid…we
all pass the moments in our life where we feel like we’d do everything for
love…too bad that mine already passed…

I just listen to N.E.R.D.’s
"The way she dances"…it’s one of those "Indri
songs"…and it really reminds me of last year around this time…when I
still had a relationship and I was just preparing everything for my 4^th
trip to Asia…and when I spent a very formative time over there…

I think it was the time when I
finally had to say goodbye to the old Me and had to accept that all my lovely
corny dreams about love and a relationship and having my own family won’t come
true…All those songs on this CD remind me of certain moments in certain
places…"Little Star" reminds me how we drove off the parking lot of
Water Boom in Cikarang…"Color Blind" reminds me how I always
thought what a perfect song for the night it is, and when I finally heard it
while being on jalan tol, it’s been only me who thought it’s romantic…maybe I
was chasing a dream all the time?

Then there’s "Gotta long way to
go"…a song that reminds me of my first night after the whole drama
started…when I’ve been woken up unpleasantly with a slap in the
face…well,they say someone who sleeps isn’t a sinner…but was it really that
bad what I did back then?Isn’t it understandable, due to the high stress and
tension? Due to what had happened in the past before all of it?

I don’t know…I’ve been under a
constant pressure from the moment I left the plane…it was kinda like a déjà
vu in many ways, but just on the first sight…on second sight, you could see
that it’s totally different.I’ve been very confused, that’s true…confused of
new feelings for someone very special(should I mention her name in
here?Hell,why not,you know it’s you I’m talking about, right Indri?Damn,you
rock girl, you really influenced me and my life at that time and until now,if
you know it or not).

But I know that I should have been
more of a man…I couldn’t make a decision right away at the airport and just
felt unpleasant…I didn’t want to hurt anyone, I didn’t want to lose a
chance…I tried to make everyone happy, but I failed miserably…

And then, after I made the
decision…why did it feel like the wrong decision?Did we really have to go
with those fucking German bule guys I hated so much already?The guys who’re the
protagonists of what I like to call"The Bandung Trauma"?Damn,I don’t
think so!
Until now,Bandung(and due to this day) and also Kemang is kinda like a
forbidden zone for me…a place that I don’t want to see anymore because I just
felt so much like a 5^th wheel there…was it so hard to understand
that I didn’t want to be with those fucking friends of yours?Was it so hard to
understand that all I wanted, after a long, long trip(that I just made for
you), was to rest in your arms, to give you a kiss, to talk about our common
future?
Is this something only girls are allowed to feel?Damn,why did you have to be so
damn selfish and unromantic?Why couldn’t we match better?The feeling was
there,I felt that…but there were things,so much bigger than the
feeling…your concerns…your…hmm,let’s call it shallow view on my manys things
in life…your paranoia and fear to lose "friends"…and our totally
different perceiptions(damn,you made me hate this word so much!!!)about a
MUTUAL relationship…

All the many nights that we drove
around Jakarta…do you still remember the night after I’d just arrived?When
you wanted to use the only night we had without "parental control"
and you wanted to use it to go to X2?While I just wanted to do something
romantic, like going to a nice hotel and take a bath together, like YOU suggested
it before I came?I still remember our fight about it…and how I gave in
because I wanted you to be happy…and how disgusted I felt by our company(esp.
the girl i won’t mention here now, who’s so cheap that she even cheats on her
bf while he paid for her ticket to the Netherlands!)…how I saw YOU drinking
and ignoring me once again…how I felt like on parties in my school times,
when I was the only one, standing around all by myself, being lost in my own
thoughts…

And when we finally left, you
started to complain about the Hotel that you’ve been chosing…a.k.a the
"Spooky Motel"…but hey, I tried my best to calm you down, didn’t
I?And when you only woke me up in the middle of the night, to test my reaction
and I felt so fucking worried about you and brought you some water…did you
really appreciate it?And if so, why didn’t you realize that you meant the world
to me?Why wasn’t this good enough for you?Why didn’t you have the guts to tell
me already back then that you never really wanted me or my plans or the future
I wanted to built for us?

How many times did I sit next to you
on a bed or in the car or in your house…how many times did I stand your silly
friends or your family which hated me or all the other things,or your moods…I
did it all for us!I did it because I truly loved you and despite all the
hopeless signals and feelings i got from you, I didn’t want to give up…I
fighted and fighted until there’s nothing left but an empty shell…now was it
really worth it?
I remember how we watched the videos of you in Berlin…how you had one of your
rare sweet moments that I loved so much…and how you opened up to me and
showed me the vulnerable girl that you are deep inside, but that you think
you’ve to hide behind this "cool facade" of yours…and how you told
me that I’ve your true love already, but you’d be scared that I’d leave
you…oh dear, couldn’t you read it from my lips,see it in my eyes and hear it
from my heart that I only wanted you?Do you think I rejected so many girls, so
many chances, just to kiss you goodbye the very next day?I don’t think there
could’ve been more I could have done for you…or anyone!

Why did I feel so many times that
even I’m with you physically(and vice versa), but you were never really there
with your whole heart and mind?Why did I always have to share you and had you
hardly ever for me only?Couldn’t you see my heart bleeding?Was it really just
weak for you that someone truly opened up for you?

And there they are again, those damn
sweet songs…I owe you one for them, Indri…they’re a part of me, they are a
part of my youth,my life,my world…yeah,they’re just songs…and people would
be wrong if they think that they’re just connected with one person…they’re
connected with EVERYTHING…they’re my only connection to the time when there’s
still been a chance for happiness…each and every one of them can take me to
that moment again,I just have to close my eyes and listen to them…and all
kind of pictures pop up in my head…pictures of Thamrin at night…of your
face…of Indri herself…of the parking centre of Senayan…of the Jalan Tol
on the way to Cikarang or Anyer…of the times we’ve been to Sentul City with
your brother and I started thinking about buying a house there for the two of
us…the two of us,Jeremy and Felicia, the moose ,the bench and the apple
tree…did you forget all of those moments?Was it that easy for you to press
"Forward" on your remote control and just move on?Well,it wasn’t for
me…it never will be…too many things remember me of too many moments and
situations…

I cried so many tears…but they
couldn’t warm your heart…I tried so many things…I did things that I never
tried before and that I never tried again afterwards…I gave up dreams and
started doing things I didn’t like,just for you…maybe it was somewhat like a
game for you…but for me,it’s been so much more than that…every song you
dedicated to me, every present you gave me…every damn piece of you took a
place of my heart and seized it…

It’s quite ironic though…it all
started with the girl who picked me up with her best friend Indah in Permata
Hijau, Jalan Kumala 44…a girl who seemed to be shy, who knocked me off my
feets with her dazzling looks at that evening and her girlish charme…her way
of underestimating herself…the way she hold my hand secretly under the
table…the way she caressed it in the car and looked in my eyes…it gave me a
lot of butterflies in my stomache…that wonderful warming hug you gave me at
that evening…a hug that I hoped would never end…

And then the story of our first
kiss…gee, I guess I could go on like this forever…what started as a fairy
tale and had so much potential ended in a living hell full of tears and
suffer…too many things went wrong…why didn’t you open up a little more?Why
didn’t you communicated when I urged you to do it?I am so sure we could have
solved all our problems…

Why did you have to break my heart
into tiny little pieces?Why did I let this happen?Is it so bad to dare to fall
in love?Was this love after all?Oh why…too many questions, not enough
answers…but yeah,it’s just a lot of stuff that’s going through my head in
this cold night while I can’t sleep once again and listen to this magical
music…

You asked me last week if I still
love you…I wish I would know the answer to this question myself…before I
met you, I thought I know what love is…but now, that you left me, I am just
not sure anymore.

I wish I had some tears to cry…I
wish you’d finally understand what’s this all been about…I wish you’d
regret…feel sorry…that you’d realize that I never wanted to be your enemy
or harm you in any way…but sorry to say so, sometimes I really think you’re
too blind for that or you want to be blind…and it seems I just can’t help
you, no matter how much I want that:(.

You asked me if I still love you…but why do you ask me?Is it because you
realized something?Is it because you finally appreciate all the things I’ve
done?

I’m not a fool, I know that you
aren’t the kind of person who’d ask me to come back to you…even I always kept
my door open for that,like I promised you…but what do you want?
Do you want to torture me?Can you only feel happy when you’re sure I’m
miserable and crying?Or is it just your clumsy trial to say "Sorry"?

There was always a big part of me
that felt sorry with you,even after you ripped out my heart.A part of me that
felt sorry with the girl you are, because I see you as a victim in some way…a
prisoner in a world you don’t like, without knowing that you’re a prisoner…I’m
quite sure it’s only me who thinks so and you don’t…but I just hope that you
can find your peace and that you can find the answer to your question in your
heart…just look at the things we’ve passed together, just look at the times
we had(either good and bad) and then ask me again…and you’ll see that the
answer was in front of you all the time…

I reached the bottom now…there’s
nothing you can do to me anymore, since all my worst nightmares about you and
us became reality…the only way to hurt me now is to hurt me physically…and
even that doesn’t scare me anymore…I don’t want to drown in selfpity, but I
think I’ve lost it all…my hopes, my dreams, my illusions…

But I won’t lose my memories…

EVER!

It’s been
not even 3 months yet in this new year…but there’ve been new situations,
changes, things that are different in my life now. And I realized that I’ve to
be thankful and if I really want to be more mature, I have to make a next step
not just in selected parts of my life and my personality, but in EVERY part of
me. So I decided that I’ve to be more humble and honest to everyone and with
everyone. I’m supposed to be grateful for the things that god offers me now and
I’ve to take my chances. Otherwise, I’ll mourn about it in the future. I don’t
want to risk to lose everything I wanted, just because I can’t bring myself to
the next level. But I see everything in danger, I see myself drifting apart
from my own standards and I see myself in danger to become a hypocrite. Either
I’ve to change my own values and ideas about moral and other things or I’ve to
be honest with myself and others and admit that I’ve changed in many ways, even
about things that I consider rather unpleasant.

I don’t
know, I keep blaming others for their immaturity, for their ignorance, for
their imbecil way how they treat others or try to live with them…but am I
really better than they are? Maybe…or maybe not! I definitely have to do some
rather unpleasant things now, unpleasant for myself…I’ve to tell some
unpleasant truths to me and others and I’ve to be strict and goal oriented. Or
I’ll be in the high danger to lose not just many friends and chances, but I’ll
run in danger to lose myself and to slightly change without even noticing it.
And I don’t want that to happen!

Yesterday, I’ve been to Stuttgart. I had something to do there, my lawyer called me late in the evening and sent me to the court for social issues, I should throw in a letter into their mail box…but it was already 7pm and it was dark outside…of course I didn’t feel that anxious to go there at this late time, especially since it’s in a part of Stuttgart where my ticket isn’t valid anymore…so I had to use a ticket that I keep since more than a year now, which I wanted to use for another purpose, but yeah, what can you do…
I left the house and walked to the bus stop…freezing in the little hut while I waited for the bus…some stupid girls came and asked me for cigarettes while the other 2 of them made fun of me or something…gosh, why are my countrymen such a bunch of creeps and weirdos?They make me sick!Are people really still surprised why I don’t want to tag along with them?
They call me antisocial at work and everywhere…but is it antisocial or just sane to avoid such jackasses?And hey, they can ask anyone at work,I’m still a very good pretender and I can still do a nice small talk and make the people at work feel comfy when they talk to me…and it’s at least a nice distraction at work to mess with them or manipulate them or use their stupid gossip and their rumours against them. Funny though, many of them seem to look up to me and come and ask me stuff cos they all seem to think I’m so witted…well, just so nobody get’s me wrong, I’ve nothing against most collegues at work(ok,some, but those are the exceptations), it’s just that I’m not really interested in their lifes…sometimes, it can be interesting, since it’s kinda like a soap opera and even soap operas aren’t my cup of tea, but a prisoner isn’t supposed to complain about the kind of entertainment they offer him, he has to be happy about everything he can get, right?
So anyhow,I’m drifting off from the topic. The bus came, I went aboard…kinda like every morning, just that it’s been evening this time…almost night.
I felt quite comfy to drive at night…like in my own cocoon…arriving at the bus main station, i had to walk over to the train station to go aboard the S-Bahn…it wasn’t very warm, but yeah, at least warmer than in the morning. I started reading my economical magazine in the train while I was on my way to the center of Stuttgart. Once I arrived there,I realized how long I haven’t been there anymore…even it was already after closing time for the stores, there was still pretty much traffic and many people froliced around freely…a nice melting pot of all cultures…Asians…Arabs…Germans…
Well, I went out to the Königsstrasse(big shopping mile in Stuttgart) and saw the many signs of commercialization…Starbucks…Sushi bars…bankers and their fancy top model catalogue girlfriends,eating the sushi…I felt kinda envious with those yuppies…I mean, why couldn’t it be me who’s eating in there? What makes them so much better? I bet I could beat them in many things…well…
But I’ve to admit,I kinda liked to see the changes…maybe it was the night?Because the last time I’ve been there,i saw everything in daylight and felt quite depressed…but this time, it even reminded me of the moloch that Jakarta always has been for me…just a bit smaller, but hey, it’s Germany, everything’s smaller here…taman mini…a lot of things changed since my last visit in that area,maybe 3-5 years ago. And it looked damn cool at night!
I was walking around, trying to find that particular street where the court takes place. But I had no street map and so I had to trust in my luck. At least I found the stock exchange quite soon and since I was very curious, I climbed on a balcony to take a peek inside the building…but I just saw a lady behind her desk and I thought before she thinks I’m a peeping tom and calls the police, I better run:D.
The further i walked, the darker it got…but I wasn’t scared, I just loved to see the old architecture and the patchwork population of the city, with many different kind of nations, maybe because I was near the university?I walked through a park and saw the universities library…made me wonder how it’d be to be a student here…brrr!How depressing:S!I couldn’t stand living there,really…even I enjoyed to be there at night, but gee…in the daylight, it would have freaked me out for sure!
Well, I walked around for a while until I found out that I was walking in the wrong direction and I found my way back to where I came from,realizing that I already passed the court, but without knowing it…so i throw in the letter and made myself on the way back home.
I felt a certain melancholy in my heart…I don’t know, but I think urban areas at night are somewhat the most romantic thing I can imagine…maybe it’s this mix out of silence and impressive architecture?Or something else?I really don’t know WHAT it is, but it’s MAGIC!
It perfectly matches with my everlasting wanderlust…
I’ve been like this since a few years…even as a child, I always loved the night…and being on the road again at night…maybe because it’s like meditation, it helps me to clear my head and think clearly…
It reminds me of those movies where lonely heroes or heroines are strolling through their(mostly Asian) cities, usually it takes place at night. There’s something about the night that makes ugly things become nice to me…like a technicolor dreamcoat that makes everything look so much better!
I managed to take the last train and bus home…but I’m still fascinated and touched by the deep impact that this night gave me…I think it’s the missing link between things in my past and the present…and maybe even the future…it’ll take further investigations to find out more about this…

Now that I’ve
got your attention…well,nah, let’s be serious…What is it about sex?For many
people, sex seems to be nothing special anymore, they do it with everyone at
any time.

But why?Is
sex really that great?Or is it just another delusion?I don’t quite get it…

For me,sex
hasn’t been something magical yet…It was more like sport, I was sweating and
sweating and it didn’t feel like much fun…so why did I even have sex yet?Isn’t
it a matter of fact nowadays that our society seems to propagate sex to us?It’s
like a race…like they say:”You need to have sex, you need to have sex as soon
as you can, you need to have sex with as many persons as possible and at almost
any time.”

And if you
don’t take part in this race, it’s like you’re an outkast…and who wants to
risk that?
But what happened to moral?To personal values?What happened to sex as a special
bonding between two people who are in love with each other?
I think sex was made for two reasons: reproduction and to give us a chance to
share something so exclusively with another person we love that it can help us
to keep this relationship special. But is it still special if we do that with
everyone? If we do it for fun?With strangers?I don’t know…experience teached
me that it’s just like so many other things,people make a big fuss about it
while it’s not that special after all…they just want us to think it is while
it’s not.You’ve to be pretty naive to be happy with sex only in my eyes…

But there’s
one good thing about sex…every time I had sex,I felt so free and in peace
with myself afterwards…it’s been like meditation…I finally defeated the
inner urge that says SEX SEX SEX all the time and ALL my thoughts were gathered
together, I could really think clearly without any distractions…no wonder the
Greek philosophs had those lust boys;)…

So in
conclusion, what can we say about sex, what can I say about it?I didn’t
experience sex with love yet, I don’t know if I ever will…but I sure as hell
do know that it’s never a good idea to have sex with someone you like if your
only purpose to have it is fun…

Sex might
be nice or not…but it’s not the only thing in our life, it’s not the best
thing we can find…there’s something better than sex in our life, something
better than money…but I still try to figure out what it is…I just doubt
that it’s sex…