My Blog

When I’m
looking inside of me…there’s nothing anymore…nothing but a black hole, it’s
swallowing hope and positive thoughts…other people around me can feel
something…they can feel happiness….sadness….they can feel when their
heart aches in bad times or when their

heart is
jumping for joy in good times or when they’re in love…but I feel nothing
anymore…

I realized
that I don’t feel anything…I don’t feel the bad things, I don’t feel the good
things…there’s no prove for me that I’d even still HAVE a heart of my
own…maybe my heart is frozen and has to be melted?Maybe it’s been stolen and
now got lost?
I came to realize how empty everything has become…how my whole entire love
life became a mess…and I can’t get it back on track…

I’m trying
to look for the bright sides in life(that’s also what people keep telling me),
but I can’t see them anywhere…So maybe it means I’m trying too hard?I’m
hoping too much that there’s another sense for our life more than our simple
being?A higher meaning?Maybe that’s my mistake?That I should just enjoy the
simplicity of the moment?But then again, that’s what I’m doing all the time
since years(since I’ve no alternatives others than suicide)…and I can’t see
myself smiling my head off whenever I look at myself in the mirror…

People want
to see me as an optimist…as a mister nice guy, as someone who’s helping old
ladies across the streets and all that…they don’t know me…it seems nobody
does…It’s not correct how they see me…it’s just a mask I’m wearing, maybe
without even noticing it anymore…

I see
myself more like those protagonists from Chinese or Japanese movies…self
absorbed, self centered, lying, cheating, leaving a trail of broken hearts and
puddles of tears…being in the center of attention and being attractive for
many(without being able to figure out why)…

And yet so
alone and empty…being on the neverending journey to satisfy the needs of
their soul…

The more I
find out about myself,the more I’m feeling hopeless about everything… i think
I understand Peter Pan and such folks…growing up seems to mean to face all
the ugly truths in life…that life has actually nothing to offer…it’s all
the same shit, just in nice colours…the technicolour dream coat…but some
people are cursed cos they’ve to see everything sober and realistic…

I’ve been
thrown into this world and thought that I’d get at least a choice or a
chance…but there’s no choice or chance that I’d like… Try to imagine how
all the things that you need to keep your life going don’t work for you
anymore… that’s what’s been happening to me for years… and the few things I
had…I’m loosing them too now…

I don’t
think that there are many people who could actually understand that. Not all
the people are as lucky as those who can keep up the “illusion programme” that
starts running once we’re born…all the things of daily life which keep our
lives in balance and never get us in danger to “crash”…some of us are
misfits, born malfunctions, annomalies…

We never
asked for that status and this “privileg”…neither do we want to be in a
constant state of depression and hopelessness…but it’s not like we’d have
much of a choice…

As for me,
I really thought that being in a relationship could make me happy or at least
give my life a motivation…but the more I think, the more I start to see that
I had quite a few very good chances for that and I didn’t take them….didn’t
WANT to take them…

Not because
I’m scared of commitment or anything like that…also not because I’m being any
sort of a player or something like that…what would it be good for to be like
that?To be a guy who’s running from one temporary relationship to another? To
have casual sex and booty calls? Every night another girl? A bride in each
harbour? Who needs that? Also just the shallow and simple minded…sex…what
is so good about sex?I had sex…I did strange things and tried some
stuff…did it ever make me happier?Nope, it just made me feel like a part of a
freaking biology lesson.

What does
the future hold for me?What does it hold for everybody?I don’t believe in the
merits and benefits of marriage anymore…how should such a very much moral
requesting relation between two persons still work in a work like ours? I think
marriage is a thing of the past…marriage seemed to work only in times when
people were really depending on each other for some reasons…like during or
shortly after wars…when they needed their help to survive and all…while the
freedom is the ultimate enemy of the marriage…I can see it so easily if I’m
just looking at so many people I know and how “holy” they keep
marriage…PHONEY HYPOCRITES!!! I’m aiming this especially to those girls I’ve
got to know in Indonesia, who are married or even JUST married and who are
already having lovers or they’re the concubine of someone…gee, it’s even like
an open secret that going into marriage as a virgin, that’s a standard that’s
still hold up high(even if it’s only for girls), but AFTER that? It seems like
nobody bothers what you’re doing then, according to the many couples who’re
searching for some extra fun with other people(speaking of menage à trois) or
what I’ve got to know even personally…I’ve met some married women myself(even
I didn’t have any sex with them or anything,I’m not that morally bankrupt) and
it seems they’re just suffering from lost or broken dreams…it’s like I could
still see the young girl inside of them…still yearning and waiting for their
prince charming on his unicorn to come and save them and take them off to a
better world, somewhere over the rainbow…but wake up ladies, that won’t
happen…and you’ll never be much more than a sex object and cheap maid to your
husbands and your kids won’t need you forever…while I can see that many women
realized that over short or long and they’ve found their way to sweeten this
life of imprisonment by numbing their minds with a golden credit card in each
hand and a mountain of shoe boxes and forests of branded clothing in their
closets…gee, wish I could be like them and simply “buy” myself some happiness
and peace…sigh…

I’m so
disgusted about the way how most men look at women…seeing them as nothing but
“objects” and treating them like trash…it’s correct,we really ARE the
throw-away-society nowadays…but I’m even more disgusted by the obnoxious
behaviour of their female counterparts…seems they didn’t get a spine or any
dignity when they were born…and now they’re making slaves out of
themself,slaves of the master “MONEY” that they worship like before them, only
men did…ladies, why you’ve to disappoint me so badly? We all already knew
that guys are scum and just good to be the working class and the little tooth
wheels to keep the whole world running while the women always had the
reputation to be more the thinker and the muses for the pleasant arts and all
that…but me oh my, how sad does the truth look like? Where’s all the “we are
more mature and we are superior”-attitude if you lift the curtain and you look
behind the cover? The only thing that I can see there are women who throw back
emancipatation at least 200 years(if it ever really excisted) because it’s so
much more comfortable to hide behind their own lack of integrity and ambitions.

Well, I
wouldn’t blame them though if they wouldn’t always try to rub in how “superior”
and “mature” and “wonderful” they are…let’s face it, it makes them even worse
than guys(and that will mean something!).

Well, of
course we’ve to give some persons some credit for not being like this…and not
everyone is a hypocrite…but there are just too many people out there who’re
deceiving not only themself and others, but who’re always propaganding their
life style as the one and only way to happiness and enlightening…and that is
SO false!

Did you ever wake up in the late afternoon…and still felt like you don’t want to get up or wake up and just sleep the whole day away?Do you also spend every weekend, being up late, listening to some music or distracting your mind with mindless entertainment until maybe 5 or 6 am?Just to go to bed then and zapp around for what ever’s on the air then?And asked yourself why it’s all like this?And why you’re just wondering what you’re doing with your life, while other people are actually living?Or whatever they call living?
For me, this is a permanent state…I’m not sleeping anymore because I’m being tired…I’m sleeping only because my mind says it would be better for me to get some rest now or because I don’t know how else I could kill the time.
It’s another Sunday today and I’m sitting here, wondering what I’m about to do with my life now…All my plans are pretty vague…and depending on certain conditions I can’t influence right now…I’m surprised by myself how out of all the people, it could have been ME who now starts to think that a “let it flow”-attitude will do it for me…
I mean, if I’m looking back in the past(and that’s something I’m doing VERY often), I can see who I was back then…and how different I was back then, how I couldn’t really handle such an attitude back then…but yesterday is yesterday and the king is dead, long live the king!

Oh ya, the past…I’m mourning for it so much:(…my beloved past…my hated past…I can’t say my past has many peaks, it’s been mostly gorges…but if you don’t really had a great life, then a few peaks are everything you have, right?
And that’s why it’s so damn hard for me to let go.There are a lot of people who want to tell me that this is all about my past relationship…that I’d be still in love and that would be why I can’t move on…but I don’t know, I just don’t agree with that, it seems to be too easy as an explanation…if it would be about love, then how come that if I’m mourning about already passed moments, I never think of the person in specific?How come I’m just thinking of all the places, the feelings, the conditions?
And damn, are those memories sweet!I still remember them as if they’d have been just yesterday…like when I went to Indonesia for the first time…how I sat in the airport of Muscat, waiting for my flight to Jakarta…feeling so uncomfy and homesick…feeling like I rather want to fly to Bangkok at that time and not to Jakarta anymore…how I was crying in the first night in my apartment in Permata Hijau…damn, Permata Hijau…the best memories are linked with it…how I felt so happy and in peace with myself…how me and the girls went to Sarinah…driving through the night of Jakarta…Thamrin at night…oh my god, how I am in love with Jakarta and especially Thamrin at night:’(!That one evening, after the wedding ceremony in the Grand Hyatt…how we were driving through half of the city again…it’s mostly my memories about such “road trips”,if I might call them this way…
Or the ride back from Lippo Cikarangs’s “Water Boom” in a lovely night in April 2007…maybe that’s the reason why I’d love to buy a house in there?
And those memories come up every time I’m listening to those chill out beats(like right now, “Snoop Dogg-Sensual Seduction”), maybe because those songs give me the feeling that’s still the strongest feeling I have inside of me and that I worship so much and protect just out of that reason?

WANDERLUST!

It’s this one word that describes best how I feel most of the time…it’s this one word that describes how I plan on living my life now and especially in the future…and maybe this one word is the reason why I’m seeing my future not in Germany, neither in Europe and only in Asia? Maybe it’s this seductive temptation of the unknown, the romance of the moment?
I don’t know, it’s just giving me a feeling like I’m being ok, like there’s something alive inside of me, like if I’d die in that moment while I’m feeling it, I’d be even ok with doing then, cos I’d die happy!
But I’m stuck in here for now…every day, every week, every weekend, every month,every year…and the only way to break out of the prison that my mind is, is to go on a 4 minute trip around the world and back by listening to songs like that, feeling so mournful and filled with sadness at that moment, but it’s a good sadness though, because it proves me that I’m being alive at that moment!
It’s hard to describe such a feeling and maybe even harder to explain why I’m dying to feel it more often…I just know that this feeling fills my eyes with tears and my heart with a bitter sweet pain….but at least it fills my empty heart and life!It gives me at least a small reason to continue with everything, it gives me something that makes me feel special from all the other people out there…a feeling that’s priceless for me and a feeling that’s the reason why I got ambitious lately and why I’m really on the run now to earn some money, so I’d get the chance to at least afford the costy search for this feeling all over the world, over and over again, until I’m dying one day…

I’m feeling like I’m on a journey, a journey to discover the deepest secrets of my heart and soul…and I’ve to admit that there’s no space for any co-drivers in my imagination…only temporarily maybe…All the nice things I’ve ever dreamt of, like living happily ever after with wife n kids and all that stuff, well, I know now that that’s all a fraud, a deceiption by myself or indoctrinated by this world into my mind to keep me away from thinking…but my mind runs free, whether they(or I) want it or not…and it’s not falling for all those lies anymore, even if I’d want to…
I can’t say that that’s an easy fate to handle, neither that it’s JUST a burden to me…it makes me somehow feeling sort of special I think…and unique!
But it doesn’t leave me much hope for finding anyone who’s similar like me…not because such persons don’t excist(I’m sure they do), but I think I’d not be able to recognize any of them, neither would they recognize me…people like us are too narcisitic and too busy with themself to see things like that…while we’re having suprisingly good senses if it comes to the average people, those who’re still captured in their world full of lies and half-truths…
Now that I came to think about it, I think it’s not even the problem not to see those people who ARE just like me…it’s rather the fact that someone who’s like me will probably have the same problem like me:
High standards, too high to live up to them for anyone, probably including myself.
The only difference is that I won’t stop trying(like Sissyphus in the old saga with his stone) while the others stop, whether because they’re bored or they don’t think it’s necessary…

And what is love anyways?Is love a feeling you can have?Or is it a feeling you can get?That you can only lend?Is it something that you can keep?
I just know that love is a question of definition…everyone defines love differently…for some people, love should be like in movies…for some, love is maybe just physically…for some it’s business…the question should be, what is love for me?
I think for me, love is the feeling that I’ve for someone or something, an unconditional feeling….a feeling that doesn’t question the object of my “love”…despite of all weaknesses maybe…a feeling that emphasizes, a feeling that worships…a feeling that’s mystificating itself and the object of it’s efforts.Love is…hmm,damn, it’s tricky…I think love for a person is something you can only feel if you’re able to dazzle ALL your feelings, despite of unpleasant facts of reality… and even then, I think it’s only temporary, because people change, humans are just too imperfect for that…things or objects aren’t like that…they won’t change, unless someone or something changes them…and even then, it’s not because of their own will that they changed…since they probably don’t even have one!
So maybe I’m just scared?Too terrified to be hurt to love something with a lot of rough edges?
Or am I the role model, am I the leading type others should follow?
Well, I guess everyone has to answer this himself…I just know that I am quite sure that I’m not able to feel what I thought it’s love some years ago again…I’d like to do that, but I’m already a few steps above that level…and there’s no turning back, no matter what I’d want.

Does that make me a cocky person?An arrogant, narcisitic bastard?Maybe…or you can just say that I’m being honest to myself and others!And that might be unpleasant in a world full of lies, like ours!I’m not saying I’m perfect(I’m far from that),I’m just trying to be honest to myself and others…and I’m feeling not actually superior, I’m just feeling that I’m being different…and DAMN, I’m proud of it!I’m proud of being who I am, I’m proud of being like this and I’ve earned my reputation with lots of tears and suffer…
So anybody out there who can find him-/herself somewhere in this text…don’t let happen that other people change you and don’t change for others!Be aware and BE PROUD of your outkast status!If you look back in history, most of the really important or meaningful people were different…they had to be different to have ideas others than from marching with the herd!

So I don’t know how to handle all of this, I don’t know where the journey will end…since I’m still on it and still learning so many things…I just know damn sure that this won’t be the last Sunday I’m sitting here, listening to some chilling music, thinking about life and the world…
But I’m pretty sure that I’ve to walk this path all by myself…and I’ve to learn to cope with that!