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Are there only mindless people left on this planet? How come that people are so quick to judge others without any prove? Just by things that they see? Don’t they know that the eye can deceive the mind? I really don’t understand it anymore…it sickens me!
I can understand that people are assuming things and I think it’s just human. Everyone does it. I assume either of course…but I learned one thing from my past: If I make an assumption, I’ve to make sure that I’ve a prove for everything that I assume! To speak out loud what you’re assuming is the biggest mistake you can possibly make! You’ll just ruin many things! And for what? Just to be too quick with your judgement?
I’m so tired of all those wise guys and smart ass people who think they know everything or that they’d know me so perfectly! How could they? Maybe if they’d be a psychiatrist or something like that…or trained in hostage negotiations…but honestly, I don’t have any friends or people I know like that! It just shows a certain ignorance or a certain tendency to think they’d be superior if they behave like this.
Well, at least it’s a genderless problem…both, either guys and girls are pretty good in assumptions…and I know the craziest stories about people who ruined not just their but also the life of others, just because they didn’t ask but act first…like the guy I know, he’s above 40, he assumed that I had sex with his gf, just because I didn’t want to meet her and told him that I didn’t meet her(I didn’t want to meet her BECAUSE i knew that he’s so jealous). He broke up with her after a one year relationship or so, just because of his suspects…and I bet there are many cases in history where someone killed another person, just because he saw that person running for example and thought he stole something…or a guy saw his girl with another guy,hugging him…and who knows, he might have killed that guy, just to find out that it was her cousin or something like that…
As for me, I’m facing a lot of assumptions myself right now…I made a simple test 2 weeks ago, when I posted the picture of a female classmate and me, writing “This is my new “gf”;)” under it…putting it in exclamation marks, to show that it’s ironic and used the winking smiley to make it more obvious…yet I got many comments and messages from people who said congratulations because I’d have a new gf now…
But I wonder…is this my reputation? Does everyone think that I can’t be alone for a few days? Does everyone think I’m a sort of playboy or something like that?
I know, i didn’t really care about people’s opinion too much…but this is kinda concerning I guess…it’s not really good if people start to spread rumours about you, whether you care about it or not…and most of all, it’s making me quite angry.
But I guess it’s been my fault either…I’m just being tired that I’ve to explain people that I’m not having any girlfriends right now…I’m totally ok with my status as single right now, because I don’t feel like I’d be ready for another relationship at this very moment.
I’m so tired of people who’re pushing me or who’re trying to push me into something…and why do they blame me if I’m saying no in a polite way?
I know that in the past, it’s been hard for me to say no because I felt a lot of pity and didn’t want to refuse anyone…but either way, you can not really live up to girls demands…maybe to guys demands either, don’t know about that….
It’s like girls are living in another world…they’ve things they demand and rules they’re asking you not to break…but in the same time, those rules aren’t the rules they’ve to keep!
Girls don’t want a guy to be a liar…but whenever I prefered to tell them the truth and not to lie, I’ve been blamed and hated for that! While at the few times I was lying, the girls’ve been so happy and glad about that! It’s like they prefer to keep living in a dream world and not to wake up and face the truth! And too bad, I’m just not the kind of guy who wants to lie all the time…that’s just not me!
I just don’t understand why girls keep asking for things and standards they’re not really searching for…or they tell you only half of the truth…like when girls say that things like appereance doesn’t matter, it only matters if you’ve a good heart and a good personality…I bet there are a zillion ugly weirdos who have a great heart and personality but without a great look…so why aren’t the girls rather honest then and finish the sentence, kinda like this:
”Look isn’t important, it’s better if you’ve a great heart and personality…as long as you’re a handsome guy, because that will make your heart and personality so attractive for me that I can just lie about the reality”
I mean it’s a matter of fact that I don’t really see many couples like that, where an ugly guy(or girl) has a beautiful girlfriend(boyfriend).
I mean, ok, guys are lying equally about this…but most guys aren’t smart enough or just too lazy to be good liars…from what I could see, it was usually pretty obvious, it’s like they had their intentions tattooed on their forehead…yet many girls still didn’t mind to go with them, even the guys intentions and the girls propagated intention and moral values didn’t really match…but yeah, why bother about my words from yesterday, right? If opportunity comes knocking, these walls are rocking…or something like that…it really sickens me!
So what’s the solution for this problem? I can’t think of a solution that would really work…the group of ignorant people is way too strong and they’re way too many to make a change possible…I guess I have to stick with my very own way, being a pioneer for myself and anyone who’d like to follow(even I don’t expect anyone doing it) and hoping that I’ll find companions for my long and lonesome journey…but so far, I’m still walking alone…

The day
already didn’t start that well…I woke up around 3pm in the afternoon…didn’t
feel like going to Stuttgart to join my friend at new year to go to the
Schlossplatz with him.

But my dad
forced me to do it, so I had no choice…I took my mp3-player, my backpack from
Blok M and my very own self with my empty heart and the new years and xmas
blues I had…

Everywhere,
I heard fireworks already and saw young people, frolicing freely and happy,
with smile on their faces, not realizing how much I envy them for being so
simpleminded and shallow…I wish I could get such happiness from such trivial
and banal stuff like they can…

Well,
anyhow, I was on the same way like when I attend work every day…that was
already kinda depressing.If I’d have had a choice, I’d have prefered to pull
the blanket over my head and just sleep until the crappy new year began.

But I had
no choice, so I was going there…feeling like that girl in Old boy when she’s
in the subway and she’s the only one in the wagon….she, and a giant ant…and
she said only really lonely people see ants…I was kinda looking for my ant
that time…

I arrived
in Stuttgart around 6pm maybe…was picked up by my friend…he must have been
pretty lonely either, he came there to hug me and it was kinda awkward…

Well, we
walked to his house and I was there physically, but not with my mind…I still
had my last years Christmas and new year in mind…the one that I spent in
Jakarta, the only one I ever spent with a person I loved…and even though, it
was still one of the crappiest I had because it was full of fights and I was
the closest to suicide at the 26^th of December when I was in Wisma
Gading Permai at that time.

This time,
I didn’t feel that suicidal, but just so fucking hopeless and lonely. I just
wished to be somewhere else, with someone else…

Around 8pm,
I got a call from Sally, it was nice to hear her again at that time…but the
best thing that happened to me that day was the call I received from Lensa…it
really helped me to feel less lonely because I knew at that moment that I’m not
the only one who feels shit at this day that should be so special, but that I
hate so deeply!

We walked
to the subway around 11pm…in the train, there were a lot of stupid, mindless
young kids between 15-23 maybe…drunk, like usual, ready to cut your throat
cos you looked in the wrong direction… full of aggressions…damn, I really
hate people like them…they really make me feel ashamed of this country of
mine…they’re not smarter than a bread, but they think they can do whatever
they want to…well, I didn’t feel scared though, if they’d have killed me at
that time, it would have been my pleasure actually.

Then we
arrived at the Schlossplatz…it was so crowded and noisy…actually you had to
be concerned about your safety there…they fired rockets from everywhere and
threw firecrackers even at 5 year old kids…I wish all those loonatic people
would just die from one day to the other…who needs them?They’re the cancer of
our society…

Well,
anyway, we went to the middle of the square and we met 2 Mongolian couples
there, they were already a bit drunk, but really fun to be with, even for me,
who was in such a low mood already at that time. They distracted my mind and me
from all this shit for a moment…

A few
minutes before we met them, I saw some other Asians…actually, being there
around midnite just made me realize once again that this country, Germany, isn’t
the country where I can live or where I feel at home. It just isn’t my home
anymore…

Well, after
that, we went back to my friends place, stumbling about a drunk body at the
Königsstraße(Stuttgarts shopping mile) and my friend dragged me to a place
where they sold Kepab at 2am at nite cos he was hungry…

I saw
another Asian girl in the underground, she was with a German guy…damn, that
reminded me so badly of last year…

We arrived
at his place around 3am in the morning. We went to bed and talked until 7 am in
the morning…I don’t know, I really felt that I have to do something about all
the things that are bothering my life right now…the last year was just a
wasted one…well, ok,nothing is really wasted… but it wasn’t really
successful in any way for me. I just lost many things.

When we
woke up at 3pm, I saw that I got an sms from my ex…written in perfect
German…that just reminded me that her new bf is also German and made me angry
cos it showed me how different the same person can treat someone if she just
has a feeling for him…

I went back
home and while I was waiting for the train, I received another sms from my
ex…I replied her and told her that I’d want her back and I’d miss her(which I
know now, was just an emotional reflex). I wrote “I’m lonely” in the snow and
took that picture.

When I
reached home, I just got into my room when I received a phone call…I picked
up because I thought it was my friend, asking if I got home safely…well, it
was my ex….she said she’s surprised with what I’ve written and if I’d be
serious…then we got dc after I had said that I’m serious.

I couldn’t
sleep all night long so I was checking my emails and writing some
stuff…around 3am, I saw my ex in yahoo(ok,she saw me) and we started to chat.

I told her
that I’d be serious about what I said. But she said that she’s sorry, she hopes
for another( her bf), even he’ll dump her because he can’t stand long distance
relationships.

I asked her
why she did all the things to me that she’s done to me…I said I don’t think
she ever loved me…and she said:”yes, I never loved you. I was just being
emotional.I’m sorry”.

I wasn’t
even that shocked because I already expected that. I asked her then why she
even hopes for a guy who met her in November and dumps her already again in
December/January…she said even I cared more for her then he does, that doesn’t
matter to her, she’d be SO in love…I got more and more angry…she even had
the guts to tell me that we’d be even now and she’d know now how it feels
because she’d be sad since 1 month…ARGGHHH…I just wanted to go there and
slap her face for this…How can she compare 1 misely month of pain with 18
months of constant pain and misery?

I was
already kinda cynical and upset, so I asked her if the things she’d told me in
August would have been all lies either(like I expected it now) . I asked her if
she meant it when she said that I’d be at least betterlooking than her new bf.

She said
she’d have never said so but I said I’m sure about this because I know damn
sure that she DID say this!Well,she then said: “you know,it’s kinda funny…you
can just look at his pictures and then take a look in the mirror to see that he’s
so fucking handsome and you are not!”Then she said:”If it would have been about
looks,I would have NEVER been with you;)”

I can’t believe the guts of this girl….how can she be such a manja tuan
putri?How can she be such a darn selfish, immature, materialistic shallow
spoiled brat? She doesn’t say or feel sorry for the things she did to me…she
just walks over me and jumps down my throat like this!
Is it asked too much to ask for a sincere sorry?And the one thing that I won’t
understand…

If she
never loved me, why couldn’t she just tell me that?Why couldn’t she just tell
me that she doesn’t love me, that she doesn’t want to participate in my dreams
about being married and having children and all?She knew damn well that I’m not
playing games and that I’m not playing games!
I remember, when I met her, I didn’t love her. I was with her because of
kasihan/pity and because I thought she’s a nice girl and it’s not easy to find
a nice girl. And I told her that if we’d be a couple, I’d expect this to be
serious and lead to marriage… and if that’s too much for her or if she thinks
it’s too fast, then I left her the choice to just move back and we could have
broken up at that time without any hard feelings… but she just lied straight
into my faces, lied to me all the time! Even her family did it, I asked her
father about marrying her, he just lied to me too and I had to find out that
they laughed about me behind my back and said I’d be so crazy and funny to say
that, I’d still be way too young….GOSH!Those morons got married around 20 or
so either, why weren’t they too young?Just because they think they’re fucking
superior?

Gee,
really…I could go on like this for hours and hours…but what is it good for?
At least I think it really helped me now to learn my lesson…I know now that I
don’t really loved this girl anymore in the past…I also know that if I’m
honest with myself, I wasn’t in love with her ever…but I set ALL MY HOPES AND
WISHES in her…and that was the mistake I made…now I can answer myself the
question I’d asked me in December 2006,I had asked me why I still stay with
such a brat…it wasn’t because of her, but because of me….

I still
remember my situation back in July 2006…back then, I had realized that
neither friends or family can give me what I need in my life…at least not
forever…and that only having a healthy relationship might help me out here.

I know that
all of this was mostly about my depressions. I knew that if I have only me in
my life, my life doesn’t have enough challenges…but with someone who will
allow me to make her my world, with someone who I can adore and who I can be
with forever, I would have a great opportunity so I might find happiness…

Well, that’s
past now…I knew back then that I’ve only one bullet to fire…and I already
pulled the trigger…now my world’s already shattered…but I don’t want to
give up.I’m willing to move on and I also learned to be more tough.

I just hate
reckless people!And I am upset with myself because she’s been my achilles
heel…nobody ever hurt me so bad because I never gave anyone so much power
about me…well, at least I know that it’s been all about me and I just hate
this unfairness…but I hope there’ll be karma and I hope I can balance my own
karma soon…

Because now
there are new ways to walk on and new aims to reach…and only a person who’ll
really fight for me will be a useful companion!

It’s a long
way to go…so let’s start now!