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loughing out loud…that’s what this obnoxious abriefiation stands for…why do people have to say it?It’s like their brain is leeking or what?I don’t know,but I really don’t like abriefiations like this one or laughing my ass off…it’s so shallow…I mostly hear it from people who really fulfill a certain stereotype…and I don’t understand why they’ve to use it…ok,some just have to show how dumb they are,but that’s not the majority…language can come along in so many varities…you can express yourself,your thoughts,your feelings in so many different ways…and all they can say is this?You can see,I’m even too disgusted to write it down…I’m boycotting this “word”!I think a nice and decent smiley will do it also…I mean,just to imagine that someone laughs out loud sounds much better to me than THIS…it sounds like someone peed his pants…or like he’s retarted…it’s like that person can’t really speak or so…no offense to the many people who use this every day,but don’t you feel like you’re SOOO much a slave of a trend?If I’d start to say ssa from now on(standing for such stupid assholes),would people start to say that either,if I’d just spread it like a virus?Would they even bother what it stands for?Or could I tell them it stands for such smart amigos?
Gee,todays world can really be a nuts house…we blame people that they followed “trends” like the Holocaust or the genocoid of the Armenians and many other things…but who blames those people for hurting my eyes,mind and sense of culture with their abriefiations?Arrrgh,help me pls:S

Listening to Oasis "Wonderwall" and thinking about the year 2007,that’s about to end…
Last year around this time,I was still in Jakarta…now I’m in Germany,in my desolate room,thinking about the past year…
It began with the cruel disappointment I had in Jakarta due to too high hopes in a relationship…then I came back,lost my job,lost my will to live and came in a clinic because of a high suicide risk…the time there was really crappy,yet I thought I can change myself and thought I should do that,but I wanted to do that mostly because of another person,not because of me or who I am…Well,after I got out of the clinic,I lost that motivation quite soon…
In February,there was the big flood in Jakarta…I couldn’t even watch the pics on tv,it hurted me too much,it felt like my homecountry and hometown would be flooded…
During this time,I was still holding on to my ex gf and tried to show her that I’ll always be there for her,no matter what.
But I’ve to admit,it was rough…no matter how often someone hurts you,it never really stops to ache completely…
In March,I was about to give up to get back to her,because she made it crystal clear that she doesn’t want me and told me to move on…so I tried that,one week after she said that…but she regreted it and asked me back…but I didn’t know who to trust anymore and because of that,the whole story ended disastrous in the end of March,when I was in Jakarta again.I hurted a lot of people in March/April by not showing up,I guess I lost many friends at that time and who knows,maybe even a potential future wife…speaking about a special person who’s name I won’t mention here now…
Well,it seemed like the relationship could work again,against all odds and obstacles…but somehow,I already felt back then that that’s a fraud and that I’m just trying this to finish the book until the last chapter…
Once I was back in Germany,it took only 1 week I think until I was alone again…then it went back and forth until June…during that time,I was just bored at work and so tired of all those things…
Well,I still don’t understand until today why it all had to happen…Why did she leave me?What for?I wasn’t good enough for her?Well,I should learn some things later though…
I was really hoping that she would have meant the sweet things she said in June when she asked me to break up with her(and i did it,hoping she’d wake up then and ask me to be hers forever)…I still remember how she said she would regret this and I could count on it that she’d regret it one day and ask me back…silly me,to believe that this would be a reliable statement…:(
Learning from experience,I was kinda having a back up this time…maybe not really nice,but hey,we’re all just human,right?Although I’ve to admit,I always know where I had my focus…and my focus was on her…if she’d have asked me back,I’d have done it…
Well,I went to Jakarta again in August then…seeing the new girl…here I should learn how changed I already was compared to the last year and that I could do many evil things I never thought I could do…and I should also learn that it’s not enough to be loved by someone,if u can’t feel love for that person,it can’t work…I also learned that no matter how hard you try to love someone,it doesn’t always work…
but what I don’t understand is the fact how someone can meet a new guy and she won’t tell you about it and even still tell you she loves you or wants you back…and then you’ll find out later that this guy was in her heart all the time already…I call this cheating(in a certain way)…it’s different in my eyes if you’re having a back up and you’ll never mention it if you don’t make a use of it than if you’re deceiving someone on purpose…
Well,it was a really painful trip…I was faced with the hollow inside of me…and I realized that no matter what,it seems like I can’t keep things for long…someone or something will always take the precious things away from me and my life…
I don’t know,maybe it’s because I seem to be so different from all the other people?Am I too bad at lying to myself?All the things I do feel so fake and phoney…it’s like I’m just a big fraud…but not in the good mind-deceiving way of all the other people around me who create their own Shangri-La in their heads…it’s in the bad,mind-numbing way that makes you loonatic…
I felt like a new person when I was back…not abled to feel anything anymore but despise for all the people around me…more cynical,less emotional…more selfish,less caring…I tried to make myself busy with work….found a new motivation and happiness in my new hobbies,the trading of stocks and certificates…but that joy was a short one,because they told me in November that they won’t pay me any salary,neither for the past nor the future…and since I’m living in a crappy country like Germany,I’ve no choice,I can’t just quit and start all over again,at least not if I want to achieve my plans…
oh ya,my plans…they changed from having my own family and the house and the appletree to become a millionaire at 35 and to get the freedom of choice with a lot of money…being loaded seems to be a good way for me to face all the other things in life,cos it can buy me a lot more time to think that I’d waste with work otherwise…
I lost my faith in love or marriage…in my eyes,those things are just temporary anyhow…i’m 22 now,that’s old enough to realize that there are a lot of repeating patterns in our lives….even if I don’t have the experience about this or that,but I can compare it with other people’s stories…So why should I waste my time again or make a fool out of myself just to find something that’s not worth all the fighting and trouble?
Sure,it’s not nice to look into a future that includes only me,myself and I…but do I have a choice?It’s really useless to be with someone if you can’t have that special feeling that others are able to have…
From September to November,I just went to work,I just started to cope with my life and laugh about it,since it’s so ridiculous and pityful…
But I’m getting so sick of it…I’m living the life of a prisoner…everywhere,either at work or at home,I can’t decide freely…people at work and people in my family seem to know everything so much better…they might know this and that,but I’ll be damned if they know me better than I know myself…
And now we’ve December,I had my crappy birthday,pretty lonely and sad,just like expected…Christmas wasn’t much better…the few highlights of the year?Hmm,couldn’t think of too many…met a very few nice new people,the last one of them just a few days ago…had a great time to watch Daria and Seinfeld,also Married with Children…learned valuable lessons about myself…but beside that?
Ya,I know,people say that you’ve to be positive,you’ve to see the bright sides of life,you’re the master of your own destiny and all…but those are people who never experienced the darkest,gloomiest sides of a neverending depression…people who’re still living on the sunny side of life,no matter what kind of small problems they’ve got…I know only a few people who know the feeling and they all agree that it doesn’t matter if the glass is half-full or half-empty…because some things can’t just be solved with a lot of wiseguy talking or stupid quotes we know anyhow…
I wish I could wipe out certain memories to this year…I wish I could turn back the times to the nice days in 2006…but ya,what can you do?Past is past,and even I’m a person who’s really easy to look back,even I can’t neglect that time is moving…either I like it or not…At least I’m still standing,still here…there’s still enough time if I’d like to kill myself,right?
And what I wish for the new year?Maybe less self pity,less complaining,more people who’ve a brain,more nice tv series…more healthy food,less weight…more money,more steps to my new dreams…to find true love…to forget false friends and reckless people…and for my real life,to finally begin!

It’s Christmas time…the time when many people are suicidal and they kill themself because they feel lonely or because of other reasons…I don’t feel that well either,but that’s a permanent state…
To be really blunt about all this…I can’t take all this fake n phoney mambo jambo about christmas…even last year(the only christmas I didn’t spend all by myself),it wasn’t really good…it was maybe the time when I’ve been the closest to suicide…and now?I don’t feel like killing myself…but…I’m so sick to see everyone in the happy mood,everyone can feel happy,even they’re all phoney hypocrites and liars in my eyes…deceiving themself…but damn,they are happy and I’m not…
Why did my life change so completely?From "really shit" to "even worse"…ever since July…since that one night in her car…when I felt kinda like now…hollow…like a liar to myself…but at that time,I realized that I can’t and shouldn’t rely on friends or family because those two are unreliable factors…that only if I’d be with a girl who truly loves me and shares my life with me,I might be saved from my depressions and reach that state of happiness…and I made that momentous decision to open my heart 100% and for the first time in my life ever…at that time,I still knew where I keep the key…I made this decision under the cover of welfare…by telling me that I do it for her either,since I knew she has feelings(love)that I don’t have for her…well,foolish little boy I was…but at least I could still make my own decisions back then…
Just kinda funny that my prediction back then was right…because I knew at that time that it’s my last bullet and if I’d miss the target then I’d be swallowed by the darkness and I’d fall straight into the gorge…I couldn’t know that I’d be THIS right about it…
And now?around 1 and a half year later?Well,now I think I fell down that gorge…but I didn’t hit the bottom and died,I’m just lying here,where there’s no light,crippeled…helpless…hopeless…
But wait,there’s something I can see…it’s all the other people…they are like mindless sheeps…living their small,silly lifes…they don’t see all the wolves around them…or do they?Well,it doesn’t matter to them,they don’t WANT to see…it’s only me who can see it…who HAS to see it…but I don’t want to see it either…I want the lollipop-candy-everything-is-ok-world-view either!But why does nobody ask me?Why am I being cursed to see the reality that painfully blunt?
I’m blind but I can see…is that what’d fit on me?But I am not blind…I wish I were blind about the many things I don’t want to see…but I have to see them…and that really terrifies me…I’m afraid I’ve to see all the realities that blunt and open until I can’t take it anymore(which I can’t already) and until I lost the last small inch of motivation that I’ve inside me.
I can see so many people around me who are hearing lies all the time…they can be so naive and so vulnerable…that’s at least what they should be,since they’re carrying their hearts,thoughts and feelings straight in front of them…but it seems it doesn’t really bother them…sure,if it comes to the time to settle the score,they’re getting hurt…but they just move on…if one of them gets heartbroken,they can just forget it and fall in love again…if they have problems at work or with friends,they’ve a short memory and they just forget it…it’s only me who sees all the things so crystal clear…me and maybe some others,but they’re hidden very well,I can’t see anyone of them…
So how long do I have to take this?Ever since I’m little,people ask me to be patient…things would be good soon,I should just wait…but even I never had much,even the little things I had have been taken away from me…do i ask for that much?I don’t care if my parents are still divorced…I don’t bother that my mom kicked me out…I take it that I’ve a crappy job training and get no salary…but why do they have to take the ability of love away from me?Why do I have to see every average joe being so happy?I feel like it’s a race and I was already somewhere in the middle,but now I lost track and I ended up far behind them,way to far to ever close up again…screw you,what a crappy christmas!

Gee,how do they do it?
That’s the question I keep asking myself lately…whenever I see a Chinese or Chinese looking girl, I suddenly feel so…anxious to get to know her!Is it their hair?Their proud appeareance?
I just remember, 2 weeks ago, in Stuttgart…I was waiting at the bus stop,for the next bus…then suddenly this really cute n gorgeous Chinese girl came up from the subway…I saw her and thought: "DAMN,she’s really sweet,I hope she won’t be waiting for the same bus"…cos I was scared I couldn’t take my eyes off her if she’d do so…
but of course,with the usual bad luck of mine,she stopped near the stop sign and waited…and of course I couldn’t stop looking at her…wondering why this always always happens to me…Why do I see the cutest and sweetest girls when I definitely know I won’t have a chance to get to know them?
Well,the bus came and I was sitting just next to her…I could actually reach out with my hand if I’d have dared to do so.I was actually thinking to do so…in my mind,I was doing this,telling her in English(though she probably spoke German,but in my fantasy,I chose ENglish,weird,isn’t it?) how adorable she’d look and that she’s just soooooo darling…sigh,I felt like a 13 year old,having his first wet (day) dreams and feeling embarrassed about it:(
Well,she was obviously taking the same route as I did…so I started to develop a quite crazy plan…since reaching out for her hair in a public bus in Germany would probably lead to a lawsuit for sexual harrassment,I decided to wait till she gets off the bus and just ask for her phone number…what worse than a knee between my legs or a fist in my face could I expect?
So the bus stopped and I was ready to get after her…but damn,oh damn,she was too quick and already "diving" into a bunch of other students,going to just the same job school I’d been attending for a whole year in the past,but darn it,I’ve never seen this girl there:S…Screw you,destiny:(!
I don’t know…everytime I see an Asian fellow somewhere,neither male or female,I feel suddenly like a kid at christmas…so anxious and eager,almost drooling…so willing and desperate with the wish to become that persons best friend,just because he or she is Asian…
Maybe I became like this because I really despise most Caucasians?Or maybe I’ve been Asian myself in a past life?Hmm,it’s a good question I guess,but who knows the answer?I think my horoscope is correct…or the fortune teller that my mom saw when I was a few years younger…they both said that I’d definitely marry a NON-CAUCASIAN woman…well,even back then,it wasn’t really like a surprise for me:P
So this Friday,something similar happened…I saw this really pretty,but also a bit very self confidential looking Chinese girl…maybe between 20-28…she was taking the same bus I was taking to get back home…this time,I couldn’t sit next to her,but I was really sure I’d ask this girl for her number or at least tell her I’d like to get to know her…well,but I don’t know,maybe my guardian angel wanted to save me from the embarrassment or it was just bad luck…but when I had to leave the bus,she was still on it:(
Guess I’ve to continue staring at the Chinese woman I see each time we’ve job school cos she takes the same bus in Stuttgart-Vaihingen:P…
Xie Xie,Chinese girls…I adore you…but damn,why are you so hard to reach:’(?