My Blog

A few days ago,I talked again to an old friend of mine.
A friend who was more than a friend in the past and somehow even now,even we just talked again for the first time since ages…
Back in the past, I was about to make this friend of mine my world…but I screwed up everything with my stupidity!
I still remember how this friend of mine touched my heart very deeply with her life story and just with the way she is…and how amazed I’d been by her fantastic taste for art,her rare skills and talents and her ability to carry feelings with her voice to actually canalize them directly into my heart…
She had sent me some of the songs she’s written and I had to cry a lot about one of her songs…she’s a real artist and I am still pretty surprised that she’s not famous yet.
And I’ve been impressed by the way we seem to have the same taste in music and movies and other expressionistic tools of art…

In the past,I made many mistakes and that costed me her feelings…
But she forgave me and she gave me a song she’d composed for me…a song that is about her feelings back then…
This song touched my heart again.I don’t know how she’s doing it,but it made me cry very much, maybe it’s the lyrics(even I don’t actually understand them,a friend of mine translated them for me) or maybe it’s her gift to express feelings with her voice…but I just feel such a maelstrom of feelings in my heart when I listen to that song…
Julia Dewanti-I’m your biggest fan!

What happened to me lately?How come that I feel so much more…mature?Do I?Is mature the word?Adult maybe?I don’t know…it’s just…that suddenly I feel like going to work and coming home gives me a small reason to live…I am still depressed every Sunday…and that might be because I know that I’ve to go back to work again on Monday…and the only thing that keeps me going through the week is the fact that I want to reach the next weekend…maybe that I want to show that I can do it?That I can survive this stupid game that we call life?That I can fit in somehow and play with the rules…
It makes me sad somehow…sad that a life can be so trivial…so empty…I listen to Placebo’s "Farewell" now…exactly the right kind of music for my current mood…it sounds sad and melancholical…like a farewell…but it might include that small inch of hope…or even more likely,it reminds me of someone who’s dying…he didn’t have a good life…he didn’t have a happy life…in fact, his life was a boring life with no peaks…but still he can smile now, because it comes to an end…that makes me smile too…about the poor fellow who had to suffer all the time…but he chose to go the path to it’s end…not to surrender…it’s not like he really gets rewarded or that he’d get to hear a "Thank you"…it’s more the small victory over himself…it’s the prove to him and others how life is definitely pretty senseless…
Do I see myself like him?Maybe…I see my own life…how I go to work each day now…sitting in the bus,listening to music,thinking how boring and empty my life is…but isn’t it funny?Even I should feel so down and pissed with it…I can’t somehow…it’s definitely not like what people say,that I’d live each moment of my life to the fullest…it’s rather the opposite…but it’s enough to shake my head ironically about this losers life…even it’s me who is the loser.
In moments like this,I feel closer to death and god I think…I don’t despise life and what it stands for…but I definitely won’t cry over it or would mourn if I’d lose it.I think I’d rather be like Ricky Fitts in "American Beauty" when he looks in the dead eyes of Lester Burnham after he got shot…and he smiles because he knows that nevertheless what kind of loser Lester was,he still found a way to live a small part of his life happily…even it was ended when he was at the peak,but hey,isn’t that the perfect timing that we’re all longing for?

I simply love music!Music can make me euphoric!Music can bring back memories!Music tells me a story I might forget otherwise!Music can make me smile,music can make me cry…music can be a gift I received from a friend.Music can be the friend in lonely nights when you’ve nobody to talk or listen to.
Almost every song in my folder reminds me of a certain story or a feeling I had when I listened to this song.Many songs remind me of Indonesia or of lonely nights in my room while other songs remind me of romantic moments with someone I loved.
Some songs just make me wish I could have dedicated them to someone, as I wanted to, but I never had the chance to do so.
Some simply remind me of the movies in which they’ve been used and that reminds me of those movies and usually the movies,combined with the songs,have the same effect on me: They make me miss the past so badly!
Meanwhile,other songs simply remind me of good friends or people that I really liked or loved a lot,but those people are gone now…The songs they gave me or the songs that link my memories with them are maybe the most precious one I got…
While some songs awake the wanderlust inside of me…they make me wish I’d be in a urban jungle,in a subway or something like that,listening to them while I see the city passing by,the people,going to work,etc…
Many of them are like the O.S.T. of my heart and soul and express many feelings or simply carry them away on a magic carpet ride to a place over or below the rainbow.
Music is simply fantastic!