My Blog

Sitting in
my desolate room…in the illuminating light of a bunch of candles…listening to
Portishead „A song to fuck to“…what a strange title for a song with a strange
sound…it sounds like drugs…like velvet and silk…it makes me shiver and my mind
starts to leave my body and head…it’s going on a spiritual journey…far, far
away from what the sadly, depressing moment that we call “life”…to a place
where there’s no more pain or suffer…

A few
things happened this summer…things have changed…I am not the person anymore that
I used to be…I’m…different! I can’t say that I am lucky about this…neither can I
say that I’ve a right to be sad cos I think I was aware that this would happen,
deep, deep inside, subconsciously…

It’s like I
woke up from a very long lasting dream…I wake up and now I’ve to face the
reality which I successfully denied for such a long time…was it bad to deny or
neglect it?

It helped
me to ease and bear the state of constant depression…but now that’s all over…

I see the
candles…how they are so vivid…and I feel a deep sadness inside of me…yet I feel
in peace with myself…

What has
life become for me? I became a small  gearwheel
in the big machinery of society, capitalism, life…I sold myself into slavery…now
I’ve to be a big guy, I’ve to switch of emotions cos I’ve to function…no more
space for feelings or own desires…I’ve to function, like a robot, like a good
machine…but I am not the deus ex machina…I’m just out of flesh and blood….and
flesh is weak…so I guess I’m already a failure, right?

But why
bother? I am on a river now…I can leave myself to the stream…

I have a
picture in front of my inner eye…me, near a canyon…I die and I fall down the
canyon, in a river…I am falling with a smile on my face…and I leave myself to
the stream, my body will be carried away to a better place…to a place somewhere
over the rainbow? No, such a place doesn’t really exist…but there’s this small,
hidden shelter where we can hide ourself and our sincerest feelings and
emotions…what’s it called again? Oh ya,I think it’s called…S O U L