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Imagine you came to me, early in the morning…it was dark and misty and you were drunk…I took you to my room, feeling like a thief in the night, careful not to be seen by jealous eyes that would look at me and misjudge me. But the urge to exploit you is stronger…
We come to my room and I look at you…I can see many flaws and I know, you are not the girl to spend a lifetime with…and that I won’t let my guard down for you…but it doesn’t matter for now. I just keep looking in your eyes and enjoy your outer beauty…I’m being totally superficial and shallow for now, but I don’t care. I just listen half hearted to the meaningless drivel you’ve to tell me, pretending some understanding to push some of your buttons…you’re too drunk or careless anyway to realize it. However, I’m a little bit surprised…are you really that gullable? Are you the one who tries to seduce me? I wonder what’s going on in your head while you talk and talk and I just nod…then you seem to get tired, you take off your stilettos and sassy as you are, you place yourself on my bed…we’ve talked for over an hour now and the morning is coming closer…you tell me “It’s time to sleep now” and go to bed…I’m surprised and a bit frustrated too, because I haven’t reached my goal yet. But what choice do I have? I’m not some bastard who’d take advantage of the situation although I’m quite sure, you wouldn’t be reluctant in your current state.
Drunk as you are, you fall asleep very fast…I just look at you, not sure what to do…I’m feeling unsatisfyed with myself and the situation, so I decide to be more daring…I place myself next to you(after all, it’s my bed) and try to get some rest…but I can’t sleep, you chased the last ounce of sleep out of my body…so instead, I’m getting closer and closer to you…I can feel suddenly, that maybe my goal isn’t that far after all…
I’m looking at you, lying there, so innocent…you’re in a deep sleep now…you don’t seem to realize how I put my arms around you and spoon you…I just want to feel close to you know and the charade begins…I smell your odor of cigarettes, cheap wine and pherormons…what a strange mixture…but gosh, how wonderful it feels to hold you in my arms and pretend…I imagine all the things that could be between us, while I know it never will be…from first date until marriage, it all happens in seconds in my head…and I’m well aware of it. But it doesn’t matter, because all that matters now is this moment, nothing else…that’s what I hoped for when I let you in, that’s why I endured your pointless drivel, that’s why I don’t give a damn what you think about me…right now, I’m using you…if you use me too, it doesn’t matter to me, because I just think of myself now.
I tenderly kiss your forehead and places kisses on your eyelids and neck…and cuddle myself closer to you again. I can feel that almost nothing could top this now…except for the “real deal”, a real kiss…or plenty of them. But I’m not the kind of guy who’d wake you now…it might destroy the illusion and where would be my good manners then?
I’m starting to feel melancholy though…I know it’s just this moment…it’s a wonderful moment, but it’s a lie, like most of the moments in our life. The truth couldn’t life up to the reality…maybe that’s why guys always want to leave afterwards? They don’t want the reality to cheapen the memory? But nah, I bet I’m the only guy who has space for romantic or melancholic thoughts about life and love…
We’ve been lying like this for maybe 3 hours now…you wake up and of course now things start to get out of hand a bit…you talk to much again and it starts to cheapen my memory already…so I want to shut you up and tell you frankly what I want…to kiss you, it’s what I’m longing for…you call me naughty, yet we both know you’re way naughtier than me, it doesn’t take a scientist to see that from the look in your eyes…so I don’t expect anything anymore and start to drift off into memories while you keep ranting about something I don’t care about…don’t bother me with your petty problems please…
But…what is this? You changed your mind? Suddenly, you tell me that you have a “surprise” for me…and, glory, glory, hallelujah, you kiss me! Now that’s the cherry on the ice…
After the first taste, I can see that you’re not a bad kisser…quite a good one actually…not too hasty, tender…and I’m feeling that feeling from before again…I try to reach out for it and hold it…and I can, for a moment at least…but then, you spoil it all, by saying something stupid like…well, it wasn’t “I love you”…

We’ve just met…I don’t know really much about you and neither do you…like most girls I choose for something like this, you also have your share of flaws…and like usual, they’re going to an extent where I know that the idea of anything serious with you is only an illusion…but that’s ok, as long as you don’t see right through my mask and intentions.
What I want from you? Your body? Well, not for sex for sure…you don’t have to worry about that…I want something more expensive, more valuable…I want your soul…your heart…even if it’s just for a moment…I want to reach that moment in which I believe my own lies for a short period of time and I want to bask in it!
I’m magically attracted by your story of a broken heart and I can see the inner sadness behind your eyes and your cool facade…maybe you want to pretend to be though, maybe you made your share of experience…I’m not sure, it doesn’t really matter…you’re fragile, I can see that…but not that fragile that you’d really learn something from your mistakes. I feel some pity for you, but the feeling of greed is stronger…greed for your misery, that arouses me…I feel the urge to “heal” you, I start to fall for my own mindtraps now. All I can see is a girl…a sad existance, but not by far as dramatic or desperately in need for help like I’m trying to tell myself…well, it doesn’t matter…it’s all in my head and I just want to live for that moment…and you’re gonna give it to me. You don’t want to? Well, I’m not asking for it, I’m demanding it. And I’ll get it…I just have to work harder on you…and don’t tell me you don’t want to, it was far too easy to get you this far already….
What worth is all the gold, the sex, the little kicks people get out of their so called luxury in comparison to feed off others people inner misery for your own happiness? Maybe you think it’s sick…but who are you to judge? Thou who’s free of guilt shalt throw the first stone!
May it be as it is…I’ve to set up a perfect scenery for this…and have to make sure that you won’t ruin this moment I’m working onto for me.
I think I’ll take you to the cinema…some boring movie should do the trick….the darkness…I’ll whisper sweet words into your ear until you finally melt away…then I’ll just kiss you…and suck the sweet misery out of you like a vampire would suck blood from your carotid artery.

Is it vicious? Do I’ve to care? Did you care? Everyone lives alone, dies alone…our paths might cross, but nothing lasts forever…we might as well learn to live for the moment. Maybe it’s sick, yes…but what’s sane in a world without innocence? Who can tell? Who can show us the way? Why not taking what we can get? And the best things in life are someone elses anyway…
So stop me, if you think you have to. Kill me, if that will please you. But I’ll not stop until I’m stopped. I’ll collect as many of these precious moments as I can. I may be a sinner, but it takes two to tango. I still have one thing that makes me inferior…I am aware of all this! Yes, I might think too much, way too much. And it’s often a curse. But it makes me aware of things. Things you might not even know yourself…so come, share those moments with me…and then, we’ll both fall back again and continue to live our meaningless life. Did we really care for each other? Hard to tell…maybe for that short moment? But wasn’t it all worth it then? It doesn’t matter if you forget me or if you think my life sucks…I know that already…but that’s what I’ve and you don’t…I’m aware of it….and I live for the moment…

Do you know this feeling when a dream you have is still in your head for the whole next day? I had such a dream last night…
In my dream, I was hanging out with my old friends from school, Steffen and Jakob. Although I haven’t seen either of them since 2006 in reality, I dreamt about them quite often lately. Usually, the whole scenery had to do with my old class chums too and I think this was the surrounding pictureframe for this dream too.
Unfortunately, I can’t remember the bigger part in the beginning(the one that ended with me, waking up around 3am), but what I kept in mind is that I’ve been with my class(or something similar, it was a group for sure though) on a sort of field trip. I think we were travelling with either an overproportioned plane or a blimp. It was kinda “classy” and “old school” and we landed at this old airfield, kinda like Lakehurst. After the landing, the others were visiting a museum or something like that and we were supposed to stay there for at least until the evening(it was morning when we arrived). I wasn’t really fond on hanging with the group(just like in reality), so I was taking a hike on my own and abandoned them. That’s where a part is missing again(the part “how I met her”, or maybe there was no such parts and my memory is already playing tricks on me?). Anyhoo, I met this really, really gorgeous girl(looked Asian, I think in the dream I thought of her as Chinese) with wonderful, long black n silky hair, beautiful appearance from head to toe, face like a statue(but not motionless, just so royal). She was accompanied by her friend(who wasn’t ugly too). I found myself talking to them and one of the first thing I noticed about her was her huge self confidence, she almost seemed sort of cocky. Nevertheless, I was fascinated by her. Coming to think of it, those really classy chicks with this attitude are the kinda girls I always had a thing for…Saskia, the only German girl that still might get me excited until now had that attitude too when we were younger and kept bossing me and her sister around and eventhough I hated it, she had something about her that I couldn’t resist…the same thing fitted on this Asian girl I had just met.
I wasn’t sure what to think of her and when she and her friend brought me to some sort of shack and started acting all flirtatious and promiscious, I was somewhat disappointed, but also thought I shouldn’t judge them too fast cause assuming usually is a huge mistake. They brought me to a matress or something like that and her friend was taking of her jeans n undies while I was already lying on my back(I think they pushed me down, softly but determined). She was “sitting” over my face with her best parts pointing at my lips…I could smell her odour and I might have even slipped out my tongue and “tasted” her(hell, it was a dream, so don’t crucify me, ok?)…but since this was only her friend and not the girl I had laid an eye on, I was reluctant to do more than that. After her friend saw that her seduction isn’t really working on me, she moved away and the girl I actually wanted came to me. I don’t think there were words involved, but it was like she was telling me with telepathy “Good job, you don’t seem to be like all the other jerks and now I’ll reward you for being nice(r)”. So she came to me and started to go down on me, moving her head quite fast while I was fingering her(did I mention already that she was also “pantless”? If not, she was!). Even now it’s awkward for me that this all happened, but somehow it seems to be normal for my dreams where I meet fascinating chicks, it always spins around sex somehow…the funny part though is that there’s never any actual intercourse…either it just doesn’t happen, cause it’s not really about that or those parts of the dream are just wiped out in the second I wake up…but even in my dream conscience, I can’t remember anything going on…well, nevertheless, as awkward as it might have been, it felt kinda nice…everything was so tender and soft, may it be the way she “served” me or the way she felt. I couldn’t help myself but to feel overwhelmed by romantic feelings(as odd as this may sound). I just felt that I have to “own” this girl, that I had to make her “mine”. And again, without that words were actually necessary, it seemed like we decided simultaniously that we want to be together(forever). The very moment that happened, the whole sex n nudity-thing ended and I think we were hugging each other.
I know that in reality, it is quite impossible for me to feel any feeling close to liking someone or even loving someone, but in my dreams? Oh boy, I was falling for this girl faster than an apple falls from a tree…I would have married her right away and started a family with her and whatnot…it wasn’t just that her appearance was close to perfection(at least for me), well, not just close, she was perfect! But it was more that feeling she gave me…although she had this cocky aura, I felt that it’s  a lot of show too…and even it’s a part of her personality, it was rather a turn on and reason to be with her rather than to see it as negative. At least she wasn’t a spineless shallow floozie…
Coming to think of it, most girls in the dreams I had were like that(btw, just for those who think I can only be with Asians: Most of the girls in those dreams were Caucasian)…they have it in common that they are all somewhat rebellish, they are all eyecandys(but not in the “vogue” kinda way), they are all girls I’ve never met, but they also seem to be sooo familiar…all of them seem to have a telephatic communication with me where words aren’t necessary anymore and each dream ends the same way, I wake up before I can actually make the girl “mine” and/or kiss her:(
Same thing happened here…I was just there with her, hugging her, wishing that I’d never wake up and never had to let go when my teacher(or some bozo who was leading the field trip) came a-knockin’ and told me that there’s a problem with the blimp/plane(or whatever our ride was) and that we’d either have to leave now or another day( I think he said both, which doesn’t make sense, but hey, it’s a dream, so what the heck). I couldn’t care less actually, was my most urgent dream to be with this godess and I would be where she is, even if she’s living in abyss…I guess I would have even sold my soul at that time if I could have just spent more time with her…
And I really got some more time with her…we were in some sort of park/mall where people were walking around a big pond, shopping and sightseeing and whatnot…it wasn’t really important to me…what was important to me though was that I was there with HER! We were walking around, I had putted my arm around her and felt a bit silly(but the good way) and like a schoolboy, but soooo happy…quite drunk and stoned on love, I guess…coming to think of it, I think I hardly ever felt that way(at least not as strong) in real life…and the last time I felt a feeling close to this was in 2006, summer. Maybe another sign that my dreams are already overshadowing reality?
Another thing I noticed was that the skies in my dreams were hung with grey and dark clouds, like in ALL(and I mean ALL) my dreams since the last 5 years or so. Nevertheless, it’s not something depressing or gloomy(at least not for me), it’s rather giving the whole thing a post-apocalyptic touch…well, not in this case though…it had the charme of a rainy day and made things actually more romantic.
To get back to the dream: We were walking around this pond, talking about our future(I think?) and we decided to take a picture together. So I was putting my head next to hers and took the photo…funny enough, the picture looked kinda weird…I looked totally different from the way I actually look and I think so did she…
After that, the dream entered that stage between “I’m awake already” and “I’m still dreaming, please don’t end the dream now!”. It felt like someone pulled the plug in the bathtub and the water was creating a twirl around the sink…I tried my best not to get sucked in; would it mean that I had to “wake up” and leave this wonderful world that’s so much better than the depressing reality we call “life”…but I couldn’t:(. It’s moments like that where I hope I could leave my body and move to dreamland or allow doctors to put me in a coma for some years so I could dream of that place again and start a life there.
You may call it escaping from reality(and you may be right about that), but it makes me think why dreams always beat reality and why I can feel so much for them and through them. Even now, 4 hours after I woke up, I am still yearning for that girl, yearning for her touch, her kiss, her proximity…I’d sell everything I have, burn down my house and kill my family(well, ok, maybe not that) to get one day with her in reality…simply because reality bites and I think it’s impossible for me to find someone like her in real life. The girls I fancy are only wandering around in my dreams or maybe in movies, but that’s because those 2 places are both a product of our imagination. Romance is created by imagination too, maybe that’s the reason why I’m quite hopeless? I mean, the girls I meet in my dreams(or sometimes see in movies/series), they tick my way, they think how I think, they feel how I feel and they can understand me, even without words involved. It’s this mutual understanding and this already naive way of feeling about things, despite all the negative things there are in reality…Why, oh why can’t I be there now:(? If I’d know I’d end up there if I’d shot myself in the head now, I’d do it!
BAMM!

Once again, I’m „getting drunk“ with music, drowning in tunes and beats and lyrics, miracously taken on a journey in spheres where the petty problems of todays world seem to be not important anymore…
While I’m in this state, I’m thinking about my life and how satisfied I am with it at the moment. I guess I can’t complain, I have some choices at hand right now and the few things that bother me are things that I can’t really influence, so it’ll be a good lesson in patience…the one thing though, that I haven’t been paying too much attention to lately, is the search for a person, with whom I could share such moments like the one I describe above:

The perfect soulmate

Nowadays, it seems to be easy to enter ones life, at least at a very superficial way…with all those social networks and the trend to exhibit every single detail of your private life to the rest of the world(may they be interested or not), it’s not very hard to “see” things from others and get a first impression. What’s harder though is to differ and to be more precise about the way you judge a person. In many cases, a simple look at their pictures, their posture and the empty “yada yada” they put in their self descriptions gives you a good image and helps you to find out whether or not you want to get this person better or not and whether or not you might be compatible. Also, in some cases, there might be a lot of informations, but it’s written in a certain way or style and it might attract you or turn you off.
After all, it can’t be more than a door opener though. Nothing can replace real life experience and a real life meeting. But the world wide web can save you time(or it can “eat up” most of it) by helping you to make your choice.

I think everyone of us is trying to find someone to share moments in his life with(or even all of his life), but we’re not all alike in our search. Some people only want to find a certain kind of friends, friends who’ll “comfort” you and say yes and amen to everything you say. Well, if that works for those people, who am I to blame them? Some other people are trying to find more “depth” in the inner-human relation and they might probably suffer a harder time, trying to find people with that certain amount of depth. I know I do.
If you’d ask me what kind of person I’m looking for, it would be a lot of characteristicas I’d have to name.
First of all, I’m not really that interested in the look of a person, at least not in the first place. In my opinion, looks are strongly influenced by your persona and if you suck as a human being, I don’t care who calls you gorgeous, I probably won’t ever do that and I’d probably never end up spending time with you(unless it’s some sort of research or field study maybe).
Then again, I can’t say that looks can’t add some attraction. The look I’d go for is rather gloomy and melancholical, with a strong aura…the type of person that prefers to be alone, rather than to waste time with shallow people who have nothing in common with that person and vice versa…a person with a creative mind, that emits coolness…black hair might come in handy, but I could picture such a person with blonde hair too, or maybe brown…
Most certainly, I’m NOT into some stupid emo kid, I don’t like those “trend slaves” who don’t even know what they’re moping about. They’re rather an insult to all those people who really suffer from things like depressions or border line syndroms.
It should be a very rational person that tends to follow rather rational thinking than emotions, while knowing when it’s in place to feel and live emotions too. A person that can be a leader, a determined person that always has a plan for his/her life and that can cope with any changes on its way to get there.
It also should be a person who has a certain cultural interest. I’ve met many people lately who have no interest in literature or art or anything like that. Sometimes, it’s even worse and the person is trying to tell me, that movies with Lindsay Lohan are art or that the book “chickensoup for the soul” is a masterpiece of literature…gosh, you people should really be ashamed of yourself! Bad enough that you seem to have no good taste, I could still tolerate that…but do you have to insult people with a different taste?
Or those people who told me “I don’t read, it gives me a headache/gives me wrinkles”…I really had to control myself not to slap them silly with a book:S!
While we’re at it: I am a huge movie fan! Movies and music and tv series are some of the basics in my life and a potential soulmate should have the same basics or should be able to totally understand my true love for those three things. I’d probably choose my dvd collection over most people on earth at any time, so you’d have to understand why I feel this way and it would be perfect, if you feel the same way.
I’m a fan of witty, sarcastic or even cynical humour. For me, it’s a lot of fun to use word games or puns and I feel challenged if movies/series are full of parodies or call backs…

Another thing that I’m looking for in a potential soulmate is an understanding for romance and romantic situations. Now I know that romance is something that everyone will define differently, so I should state my definition of it:
A romantic situation for me can be:
-a ride in a car at night, looking out of the window into the night, while listening to some melancholical music
-laying on your back at the beach/on a meadow, watching the stars and embracing the universe(if maybe not physical, at least with your heart and soul).
-enjoying the sound of the wind at night while you’re in the middle of an area that’s busy during the day, but that offers nocturnal peace and a calm atmosphere

Those are just examples, I hope though, that they can show what kind of romance I’m talking about.
To be my soulmate, you don’t have to tell me that you love me or to actually love me…love, hate, to like someone or to dislike…these things will come and go and they’re just words anyhoo, unless you fill them with life…but to do so, you have to prove it with your actions and that makes the words sort of obsolete anyway…Just don’t ever rush things, it’s easy to say something, but not easy to take it back…so make sure you mean it, if you say something.
I guess that would describe what kind of person I’m trying to find, so I could say “this is my perfect soulmate”. I am well aware of the fact, that I might never be able to find a person that can fulfill 100% of my hopes and wishes…but who knows, maybe that’s part of the whole idea? Maybe I need some dreams to be unfulfilled, in order to keep at least this hope(after withdrawing others, once I was forced to face reality). I’ll have to wait and see…

“Hey Florian, how’s your girlfriend” or “Hey Florian, I heard you have a girlfriend now” is what I had to hear quite often lately…statements that are, no doubt, made from blind people who love to assume or jump in conclusions…Well, either that, or it’s a really cheap way to find out whether or not I’m in a relationship(although people would only have to read my profile properly to find out about that).
Usually, I react with a mix out of “being upset” and “being frustrated” on these questions. It feels like, just because most people usually jump from one “relationship” to another, they except me to be just the same way. Well, those people obviously don’t know me one bit.
I mean, is it wrong to have high standards and to be picky? I heard from a lot of people that they think it would make me cocky or that I’d always be single then, if I have high standards or if I expect certain standards to be met…now what the heck?
First of all, why would it be of your concern whether or not I’m single or alone? Did it ever cross your mind that not everyone wants to live life the way you do? Did it ever dawn to you people, that maybe you are not the center of the world and that not everything you say or think has to be worlds only truth and therefore, you are NOT perfect, nor is your opinion the guideline for the rest of the world? Or that maybe the majority isn’t always right, just because they’re more numerous than the minority?
Yes, I am a picky person…call me cocky then, if that’s what you think, but I think it’s not cocky at all to have high standards if you try to find a person you want to spend the rest of your life with(that’s at least what I want, I have my honest doubt if that’s what those people want, who think they’re in love after the first date or maybe the first three dates). Even if that would make me cocky…does being cocky have to be something negative then? I prefer being like this at anytime if the alternative is, that I’d have obviously no pride or dignity whatsoever. And that’s what I see from other people, if you ask me.
I’m more or less single since May 2007. But hey, that’s ok for me and it’s also because I decided that the right girl just hasn’t crossed my path yet…sure, some persons were promising, but it takes time(and you SHOULD take that time) to find out how compatible you really are. I learned from my past relationships that I should rather rely on rational thinking and NOT on stupid emotions who’d just blind me anyway, “drug” me into false conclusions and would lead to glorification. I heard from a lot of people that you have to learn from your experiences and that you should use them in order to avoid to make the same mistakes in the future…yet, I can’t see that those people would stick with their own propagated rules…on the contrary, the exact same persons always find loopholes to tell me why exactly this guy or this girl is the exception from the rule. Talking about self delusion;)…
It just upsets me more and more how those people are trying to indoctrinate me with their hypocritical blabber…they would be right about it basically, but c’mon, how can I take people for serious who don’t follow their own rules? “Practise what you preach!“ is all I can say about that.
And yet another thing…each time I talked to a girl who’s just been at the end of a relationship or who’s just been left behind or broke up with her boyfriend, the girl told me that she will learn her lesson from this and she won’t use her emotion only this time and that she’ll be patient and cautious to find a better guy next time…one to three weeks later, 99% of those girls are already in a new relationship(I know some who even got engaged after the first month or so). What the f**k? And you people think you can indoctrinate me?
I have no idea how mature I am or how to measure maturity, I think it’s another relative thing and it depends on each and everyones single definition of it…but c’mon, shouldn’t girls, who always brag so much about how “mature” and “superior” they are and what good choices they make be more self critical and especially less delusional? It’s not even like I think they couldn’t know about this…but they WANT to keep their eyes closed and blind out reality…
Dear girls…if you want to be like that, ok…but could you please STOP blaming other people for their lifestyle, just because you envy us subconsciously? And could you please be or at least act more adult and stop being so damn moody?
Cause that’s the other side of the medal…girls, who are just back on the market tend to give hope to everyone very quickly, almost as if they’re too desperate they could still be single by the end of the week…they don’t seem to consider what harm they might do or what hopes they might raise…and that guys, who are pretty much the same like they are could be seriously hurt or disappointed, because they got their hopes up all high and whatnot? I know that girls demand this from me and other guys non stop, so how come they don’t have to play by the same rules? Not fair, if you ask me…
I mean, what are you doing this for anyway? I’ve seen it just way too often, girls getting their hopes up high, rushing from relationship to relationship…and for what? For “love”? Love’s NOT divine! It’s not magic or a myth or whatever you think it is! It’s a simple chemical reaction in your brain and I’m sure if you’d talk to some narcs, they might tell you that some drugs might have just the same effect on you…and same like drug users, people who make love into something “divine” seem to be ready to suffer much more than they benefit from “love”. They put theirself in any hardship to get a feeling and the time they suffer cause of that hardship is like 75-90% of their time, while the “love” feeling is usually only like 10-25% of the time(if not less, it depends how “short” your “relationship” will be, the shorter, the more “good” feeling you will have).
I’m not saying that I don’t believe in love(some people said that that’s the impression they got from me lately), I’m just saying that love’s not divine and I don’t believe in romantic love. I mean, let’s face it…love’s not so different from feelings like thirst, hunger or pain…a feeling that will not last forever…for some, it might last longer, for some it might last shorter…but all in all, it’s a feeling that’ll fade…and once that happened, it depends on how good a choice you made and how compatible you really are, cos that’s when rational things show that they matter and not emotions…

On Friday, January 16, I finally ended my job training as office clerk by passing my oral test in Stuttgart. It ended a journey I once begun in September 2006. Usually, every job training in Germany takes 3 years, but due to the possibility to shorten the training half a year if your marks in vocational school are good enough, I could finish off earlier.

Why office clerk? Why even doing this? Well, I didn’t have much of a choice. After I began to apply for work in 2004(while still visiting school), I didn’t have that much luck with job interviews. The first few years, I still got some interviews at good companies(local bank, a local medium-scale enterprise) and I never had a problem to solve their IQ- or skilltests. The problem was that I was being too honest about myself and my condition(I told them about my depressions).
Of course I wouldn’t make the same mistake nowadays, but I just don’t like the idea of lying to the people you’d have to work with for years…once I’d start that, I’d have to go all the way and lie for the rest of my (office) life…and what for? If they don’t want me for being honest, well, screw them!

Unfortunately, the job interview invitations became rarer and rarer…until September 2006, I had sent about 240 applications, with hardly any success(maybe 10 job interviews in 3 years). I couldn’t even get a part time job, so my confidence hit rock bottom.

Then, two days before the new application semester started, my mother told me about the possibility to start a job training, sponsored by the job agency. I’d undergo a job training to become an office clerk. Office clerk wasn’t really my first choice, but in my situation, I couldn’t be picky, so I agreed and took the offer. After two or three weeks during which we had to sit around in class rooms, doing easy calculations or writing easy essays, I had found a company that’d take me under their wings to give me some practical training.

My salary was a joke, 292€ a month(from which I had to use 90€ for my ticket for bus and trains to Stuttgart, where I still had to go, eventhough a vocational school excists nearby in Böblingen, 15km closer to my home), but at least I had something to do.

The problem was, the company where I had to work sucked! In the first weeks, I still had a good feeling, I got some chores to do each day and was working in two segments(those were two companies under one roof): Selling SIM-cards to medium-scaled enterprises and selling telemetric systems to private and business customers. I wasn’t really involved in the selling part, but I had to prepare presentations or offers for customers.

Then, they hired a new guy who got about 90% of my chores. Suddenly, I had practically nothing to do anymore, but they still got mad at me if I did nothing. When I asked for something to do, they were mad. So I started to pretend to be busy while I wasted the daily time of work, browsing the net. I was still a bit motivated and thought things would be better…but it just got worse. They were lying to my face, saying that there aren’t any problems and that I’d do good. By the end of December, IB, the company with whom I had signed my job training contract called me to their head office and they said that my company(the one in which I was working) complained about me and that I’d be one inch away from being fired. I was very surprised and it made me angry. Why didn’t they tell me about this when I asked them about my performance a week ago? I heard from IB that they’d think I’d go too soon(I left 2 or 3 minutes after 4pm, which was supposed to be the time office would close) and they said I’d be lazy.

So without that they’d tell me anything about their dislikes, regarding me, I went back there. I started to stay overtime. The other co-workers were surprised and they asked me what the hell I’d do here? I told them that I’m supposed to stay longer. So they told me to sit on a chair and I was staring at the wall for half an hour or so…there was nothing to do for me and neither I nor them could understand what for I should stay, but hey, what the heck…I thought they’d see that I’m trying…but no, a week later, we(a guy from IB and my two bosses and me) had a little talk. They told me that they waited until they have enough charges against me so it’d be clear that they are innocent and I’d be guilty. The guy from IB supported them about that and I felt totally betrayed. I told them that I’m not psychic and I can’t read their mind.

Anyhoo, it was the last day before I’d fly to Indonesia, for my holidays. In the end of October, I had asked them for 3 weeks off and they signed the request. I also sent a fax to IB and they didn’t complain either. So I thought everything’s ok(eventhough I’d miss 1 week of vocational school, but I thought they’d just reject the request if it wasn’t allowed).

When I came back, they were totally mad and fired me. They said I’d be an intriguer and that I was trying to fool them and other nice things. I felt fooled, because if they wouldn’t want me to go for 3 weeks, why didn’t they just reject my request for 3 weeks vacation? Anyhoo, it was the end of my relation with this company and I wasn’t too sad.

Problem was, now I was practically without any practical training. I had to go to IB again and they decided that I should work in a “Übungsfirma” (Übung means exercise or practice, Firma is company, there is no translation for this word).

I didn’t have much of a choice, unless I’d agree to end the job training. Since that wasn’t an option for me, I agreed. This gave me a rehab status, because now they put me together with people who had some problems. Some were disabled, others were just slow learners or former drug addicts…but most were plain stupid!

In a firm like that, you’ve to imagine the daily routine like this:
”Make a few hundred copies of this”

“Write a fictional CV”

“Write more fictional CV’s(and applications)”

“More copies”

“Order office supply”

Those things repeated themself…at least for some months. Later, I came in other departments, like accounting, but there was never really much to do. During most of the day, I was bored out of my mind. I started to stay at home and call in sick, because I didn’t find a good reason to go there anymore. I was just trying to hang in there and go for the abbriefiation of my training, so I concentrated on vocational school.

After the summer of 2007, my rehab status, which was still pending up until then was finally confirmed. I thought that’s good news, cos since I was older than 21 by then, I would have gotten a higher salary(about 350€ a month, plus 130€ for my train- and bus ticket. Still little though, if you keep in mind that a trainee in the free economy gets 500-800€ for the same training).

Sad thing was…they took my fathers income into the calculation and told me that my request for more salary was denied, moreover, they’d stop paying me ANYTHING(beside the 130 for the ticket). They said since my fathers income would be so high, he could pay me.

I felt really devestated…not only that my fathers income was below their critical limit(after considering his private medical insurance, payments to my mother, energy, payments to his mother each month, etc), but I simply thought that this isn’t fair!

I tried to fight against this with lawyers and with the job agency, but I had no success. My only choice was to either continue without any payment or to end my job training. Since I would have to find a whole new job training then and start all over again, I had no real choice. In Germany, if you’re already 21, you won’t find a new job training, they’ll say you’re “Too old” for that.

Well, that was 18 months ago…thanks god, they accepted my request to abbriefiate my job training, based on good results in vocational school. I passed the written test in November and now finally the oral test in January.

Yet, now there’s a new problem. Germany is among the countries, being in recession. In an range of 200km, there are not more than 10-20 offers for office clerks. Most of them require some years of working experience, which I don’t have. I already sent applications to those that I’d be qualified for, but haven’t heard anything yet, except some rejection letters I received.

Some people might be happy to be unemployed, happy to have a lot of free time. I always thought I’d be one of them, but I changed my mind about a year ago. It’s not fun to be unemployed if you have no money! And I lost almost 2 years in which other people made lots of it! So now my priority is to get into any kind of job to catch up financially!

All I got so far is this small part time job, delivering mail. I get 5 cents for each letter I deliver. After my first week, I delivered 225 letters in 5 days…that’s 11,25€ or about 164.000IDR. I guess even in Paraguay, I’d be a poor man with such an income:S…

But what can I do? On the bright side, I get some exercise each morning, walking my daily route and I get to see some nice houses of fancy rich people, living there. Oh yeah, and I get some structure and keep in training for real work to come along someday. The only option I’m looking at now, is that I might get the chance to assort the letters for the whole area every morning, so my income would be upgraded to 400€ a month(5.8juta IDR). Still less than the poverty limit in Germany…way less…but better, than not being paid, like during my training;)

At least I’m on my way now…and I’ve to see where it takes me…

I’m just listening to „Don’t let go(Love)“ by En Vogue…realizing, that this song is almost as old as my brother(he’s 14) and realizing, that I’m really starting to grow older and witness a change of perspective…

I could never really understand what a big fuss my parents made about “their” oldies…now I often catch myself, thinking of this or that movie, or this n that song as an oldie/classic…

Most of the tv shows I like are from the late 80’s- early 90’s, the best music is from the mid 90’s to the early years after the millenium…and what we have now is mostly plain commercial shit! None of these songs really tells a story, like those old songs do…

Take “Don’t let go(Love)” for instance…songs like this or Dru Hill’s “How deep is your love”, TLC’s “No scrubs/don’t go chasing waterfalls”, Jay Z’s “Sunshine/Can I get a …”, TQ’s “Westside”…all those songs are from that wonderful time when I felt really in balance and happy. Everything seems to be different back then. Some of the videos are kinda shiney, with lots of fancy mansions and even more sun, others are darker, showing those wonderful cityskylines at night that I always loved so much and still love…they fulfill me with a deep yearning and even bigger wanderlust…plus, they remind me of a girl that’s always been so special to me, eventhough I’m not even sure now if she wasn’t just the biggest crush in my life…either way, she’s kinda like a symbol to me, I guess I compared many girls to her and her cool way and always admired her a lot for being who she is, while in the same time, I never dared to tell her about my feelings…I just didn’t want to lose what I had(her friendship) and in those magic moments when I sat in front of the tv with her, I could daydream and imagine how wonderful it would be to be with her…and eventhough that never happened, those videos and songs always made my imagination run buckwild…even now, it still has the same effect on me…this feeling is so great, it’s so much better than sex, love, money, drugs or whatever people could imagine…and Saskia is still like my dreamgirl, most likely because I idolized her and I never had to destroy that image/fantasy…hard for reality to life up to that…

Sadly enough, many of the stars from yesterday stopped shining, they have to live in the shadow of less talented bands or singers…at least I feel that way, may it be up to everyone to judge the amount of “art” you needed to be a member of bands like TLC or En Vogue…

It’s just that their music had something that I can’t find in todays music…maybe it’s really the memories of a better time that makes these songs n music so special to me…it’s like a time machine to me, taking me back to a time when I was a complete different person…and a time when I had all those dreams and hopes and I still believed in them and wasn’t disturbed by any unconveniant truth…

The biggest shame of all might be, that I could never find any other person who’d appreciate those kinda things the way I do…the girlfriends I had rather thought I’m mentally challenged when I closed my eyes to a sung, humming or singing it…maybe one of the reasons, why I feel more and more like I won’t be able to find someone in my life who’d really be compatible with me…

Sometimes I think that this deep romantic and true love for this music and those moments set the standards too high…but then again, is it wrong? This is what makes me happy, this is what I’d choose over almost everything in the world…well, not just almost, I’d choose it over EVERYTHING! My stand on girls might be beatific now, I probably see them more as some kind of accessoire to make a good moment perfect…but believe it or not, I somehow feel somewhat better since I’ve decided that I live for myself and that music, those moments and those rare memories n feelings could never be replaced by some half naked floozie.

Damn, I really wish it was 1995 all over again:(!Everything was so much better back then…

What happened to me? What happened to my life? When and why did I turn into such a grim, zynical person?

I start catching myself, being like the people I despise…it’s like a pattern. I have to control myself not to make the same mistakes and yet I’m being weak, I’m not who I want to be.

Life never wanted to know what I want or it didn’t care, but somehow I kept on living, eventhough I was complaining and whining a lot about it…but where’s karma when you need it? How can it be, that everyone’s in this world seems to be so much better off? Why do they have the right to feel this way and I don’t?

At first, I was being amused about those gullable fools who can so perfectly deceive themself about love, being so mysterious and fateful…I thought they’re wrong and I’m right, that I’ve been enlightened and that all this pain life put me through(against my will) should help me to realize that…but now I feel like this is all one bad joke and I can’t find the pun…what the heck is supposed to be funny about me, turning into an emotionally numb zombie, while others, who definitely didn’t act so nice all their life themself don’t have to suffer the same way? Is it only, because I’m the only person on earth who resists to make the same mistake again? Am I the only person, who realized, that love is 95% pain and only 5% joy eventually? Love, hunger, lust, grief, passion, thirst…those are all feelings that won’t last! If we’re hungry, we find something to eat. If we feel lust, we get laid. If we’re thirsty, we drink. And if we love? Well, since it’s no difference, we find someone for some affection and then…I don’t know, that’s where things start to differ…as for me, I find someone for some affection, a hug, a kiss…other people find someone, idolize them, see everything through pink glasses and make marriage plans…they fall head over heels and throw their mind and Reason overboard…and they do it with a smile on their face! It’s kinda like a guy, laughing in an insane way, holding a burning matchstick close to his body, after he bathed in kerosine…why is it only me who seems to see this? Sure, everyone keeps telling me every once in a while that they’re at my side, but they’ll cave in eventually…all of them! I haven’t found one person yet who’s really resilient and resistant…well, except for Chas maybe. But I’ll see about that too.

My point is: Everyone hurted me in some way, everyone pushed me and put pressure on me to give up my dreams, to give up my hopes, to give up my feelings…I didn’t want to, I kept telling myself sweet little lies…but eventually, I snapped and it hurted so badly…and then…nothing! I stopped feeling eventually. It’s like I’ve been a bird and someone cut off my wings and I had to start to walk instead of what I’m supposed to do-flying!

That’s not only cruel, it’s life changing. I don’t think anyone can really understand my situation who didn’t have the same circumstances.

Not everyone has a mother that parents them to always try to please everyone, while he knows he can only fail…not everyone has been mocked around when he was younger, simply because he didn’t want to cave in and play along. Not everyone had to go through the soapopera I call my life.
And what came out of all of this? Just look at me…the kinda guy that you wouldn’t like to introduce to your mother, because you know he’d boink her if you wouldn’t watch…not because he’s really into sex, but just because he likes to be destructive. Whoms only joy seems to be other peoples misery, in order to make himself feel less bad. A guy who’s giving solice to married women or unhappy girlfriends(but they aren’t his). A guy he never wanted to be, but damn, how come the road to destruction was so easily accessable?

It’s not really the envy feeling for happy couples or that I wouldn’t believe in love. I do believe in love, but in a totally rational way. That’s what I became in most sections of my life, a 100% rational person, with no more space to feel. That’s what my exgf always used to tell me: “Don’t follow your feelings, THINK!”

Funny to see how the same girl now seems to follow her feelings only, ignoring her mind. But yeah, that’s her business, not mine.

I am not jealous. I am not envy. I am just so tired and frustrated that nobody can understand me. I am in my personal Babel, nobody can understand what I say and I can not understand the others. My points of view? I have to hide them like a hideous scar in my face, so I won’t scare them away. My own feelings? I learned to keep them bottled up until nobody, not even me could still reach them anymore.

Feeling pity? Sometimes… Feeling care? Yes, I do, that’s what I’ve been parented to almost all my life, to care… but I’m not a 24/7 male nurse, I’m a human being! But I’m from Pluto, while the others are from Mars and Venus.

Whenever I try to spread my message, people face me with anger or no understanding…or worse, they pity me or try to preach me. And I’m becoming insecure…who’s right, me or them? But since life took almost everything from me that ever kept me going, what else do I have in my life? I’m so sure that what I think and feel has to be right and that the others have to be wrong! I can see it in so many cases, in so many examples…if the pattern I found matches for almost everyone eventually, I am right! People just would have to be more selfcritical and awake to appreciate it and to admit that I’m right. Hell, I’m not making this stuff up! I’ve just seen a lot of things in my life already, I’d dare to say I saw more than most of the people at my age. Especially about myself. Because I’ve begun the journey that led me into the depth of my own heart of darkness. And I’ve been going all the way so far…not sure if I’ve begun another round or if there’s still a lot of way to go, but I never stopped walking.

I started to hate myself for being weak, I started to train myself to cut out all those feelings…I start to see feelings as ballast, as something I’ve to get rid off first, before I’m ready to reach a higher level of enlightening. I’ve to prove myself worthy.

I know this probably sounds crazy, but if you think that way, then you didn’t get me anyway…you’ve already lost me when you started reading all of this(and vice versa).

I am not expecting people to love me, because I wouldn’t know one good reason for them to do it. I don’t expect people to pity me or sympathize with me, because I’m not a nice human being. I am selfish, opportunistic, hell, I even seem to be more and more arrogant. But hey, at least I’m aware of it and I’m not wasting my life, lying to myself about it. But I am afraid I’m lying about other things to myself, that a part of me wants to become a gullable simpleton like all the others out there(unless those people I still hope to meet, those who aren’t like that). I have to be stronger, I have to take advantage of the fact, that god or fate or I don’t know who or what made me turn into what I am now…I say what, not who, because I don’t think I’m a regular human being anymore. That doesn’t mean I’m any worse or better…I’m simply different and I’ll hold on to this opinion until I stand corrected. I’m “homo non sentio”-a human being without feelings. At least I’m on my way to be like that.

Time will tell who’s right, the many people who keep telling me that I’ll find my happiness and feeling and whatever eventually, or me, who feels like he never felt before…simply because he sees how nothing really touches him anymore, except for the feelings of anger, hate, sometimes ambition and a diabolical feeling to enjoy the pain of others…not to forget a strong feeling of despising all the people who misjudge me.

A lot of people might want to tell me that I shouldn’t give up, everything would be fine eventually, I’m too gloomy, too dramatic, etc…just beat it, it’s useless…If I know one thing, than it’s myself. I know myself so good that it made me realize that truly knowing yourself gives you the power to know others too…to know who they are, how they are…sure, only up to a certain level, but in many cases, it’s more than what they know about themself.

So yeah, call me cocky, call me “guy with a god complex”, call me all you want. But only if you can truly understand who I am and tell it to me, I might listen to you and try to improve myself, based on what you’ve to tell me. I’m always up for constructional criticism,but only from people who know themself better than I do after a short peek.

What is happiness? That’s a question that we all ask ourself sometimes(and if we don’t, we probably should). Everyone probably has a definition of his/her own, while I suppose, that most definitions are quite trivial and superficial. But maybe I just say that, because I’ve different perceiptions?

Lately, in class, I said that happiness is the urge to make our personal hopes, wishes and plans come true. In my eyes, that would be a logical and rational description of this state, leaving out the emotional part of this state. But is there an emotional state? Or to ask differently:
Should there be an emotional state?

I know for once, that in my life, happiness had many faces.
I remember when I was still very young(maybe around the age from 6-12 years), I felt quite happy to be at my grandma’s place, either playing in the sandbox or roaming over the meadows with other kids or just watching TV at her place(which I wasn’t really allowed to do at home). At that time, it was already normal for me that I was growing up without a father figure and mostly parented by women.(Later I got the suspect, that this influenced myself and who I am, but maybe it wasn’t so bad after all, as it gave me finer “antennas” on how girls think and it helped me to emphasize and sympathize).

With the years, I probably grew a grudge which I held against my father for hardly being around me(while nowadays, I don’t really give a damn no more and lost all feelings of regret).

It was also the time from child to teen, so it’s been a time that moulds us as individuals.
Maybe due to bad luck or simply due to the wrong choices(or the right?), I was moulded into a loner, a weirdo(in the other peoples eyes), a fifth wheel…

I simply missed the time when the others started to go to parties and started to experiment with alcohol and cigarettes. At that time, I was in a group of 3 or 4 guys around my age, but I was closest to the one who lived next to me(so the other 2 were mostly hanging out with each other and vice versa).

Unfortunately, he had to relocate back to Berlin, so I was left here alone. The other two already formed a new group and eventhough they still met me and all, it wasn’t the same anymore, they were already part of something(and I wasn’t).
For a while, I was pretty depressed, probably because a part of me still wanted to be close to my former best friends. But another part of my was very reluctant and I started to think more and more, that I want to fit in, but I wouldn’t pay the piper, if the prices was to change myself into something I am not.
And I saw it happening to so many at that time…peer pressure at it’s best! You were “in” if you wore the right clothes, went to parties, got hammered and blitzed every weekend and even if you described how you puked all over your girlfriends skirt, the guys weren’t really mocking you, but somehow looking up to you(probably already the effect of destroyed braincells in a juvenile brain).

I started to get used to be an outcast, but I felt more and more comfortable with this role, as I saw, that some people really looked up to me, at least for being who I am and having my principles(and to stand up to them). I only had some problems for some years, trying to walk on the edge. It didn’t work very well, because I was either black or white, there’s no grey in “their” world…and I saw that eventhough there’s plenty of grey in mine in all kind of situations, this one wasn’t one of them.

So I can’t say that I was very happy at that time, and yeah, my depressions reached their peak in 2004/2005. Especially after I finally had found a friend who accepted me for who I am, even more, who was pretty much like me! But, as we all know, destiny’s a bitch, and he(who came from Ethiopia) had to move back there.

The only good thing was, that when I met him, I already hit rock bottom, and being with him had helped me to get back on my feet again. So I had better chances to continue my struggle now.

In all those years, my main source of happiness started to vary. While it was mostly reading and watching movies on tv from 12-15, it turned into watching other(deeper) movies, reading(but not as much as before) and playing silly games on my computer, just to distract myself from the loneliness of my being.

Loneliness…this has always been a part of my life over all those years…no matter how hard I tried to do something about it, I just couldn’t help myself. My mom was constantly nagging and complaining and she told me I should get out and find some friends, but gee, we all know, it’s not that easy, is it? It wasn’t hard for me to have tons of acquaintances, I already knew about 20-30 people from playing soccer almost every day at that time. But acquaintances are one thing…true friends are another. I just couldn’t feel that those who I tried to “be-friend” had the potential to fill the emptiness in my heart and soul. On the contrary, I felt even lonelier when I was sitting with them. I felt that even though those people are all nice and kind, I’m not one of them, I don’t really fit in…and I think they felt that way too.

It’s funny though, nowadays, I wonder why I didn’t speak up at that time and why I was still trying to fit in for quite long…somehow, it’s even pathetic in my eyes.

I guess it changed once again when I had to take the 11^th grade again. I found myself in a class room full of people I hardly knew(except for a girl I had a crush on once, who treated me pretty shabby at that time). So I wasn’t really that anxious to impress them. As a matter of fact, I was just trying to ignore them. Sure, there were some bullys who tried to mock me, but I just didn’t react and showed them, that I really don’t care about anyone or anything in that class. I was only responsible for myself and it felt great!
It was also the time, in which I started to break many rules and I skipped class very often.

I started to grow more confidence, as I lost my fear of class tests. I simply didn’t care anymore what kind of marks I’d get, so why should I’ve been scared anyways? And if I had to see the principal again for skipping class, it wasn’t that pleasant maybe, but it never really worried me, because I knew that it was the logical consequence of my acting. I tried to explain this to him, and except for the one time, where he asked my mother to come to school to see the both of us, I never had a problem with him(that one time, I just felt upset, because I didn’t see any use to bring her in, as she knew that I skipped and she had to take a day off, while I could have talked about this with him myself).

The next step in my development followed, after I came back from taking a cure(Kur) and I worked in a part time job. It helped me to save up enough money so I could fly to Asia(Indonesia) for the first time.

Until that day, I never had a girlfriend or anything suchlike. While all my fellow students had their experience in one or another kind, I had nothing whatsoever. It surely didn’t help to have high self esteem, especially since I saw guys(or girls) even uglier than me, having a significant other.
Well, that started to change with my stay in Indonesia. Eventhough my first girlfriend can only run under the category “horrible mistake” or “experiment”, she helped me to learn a lot more about girls(and also myself). After my return, I had to digest the pain of a long distance relationship first, but I booked another ticket to Indonesia and returned just 3 months later(I was unemployed at that time).

The interesting part was: I already decided that I’d break up with this girl, since she was obviously lying to me and probably cheating too(although I didn’t trust the rumours I heard too much, after I learned by myself, how bad assumptions are).

And yet I had to learn another lesson, which was, that a break up isn’t so easy, if you want to be fair in your life. I just couldn’t find a good reason(other than my suspects) to break up with her…so I learned, that I can’t always play fair, I’ve to play dirty sometimes, unless I want to be other peoples doormat.

I already dated another girl right after(actually already before) the break up. I had maybe the best summer of my life with her and it was the time, when I really felt happiness! Looking at it now, I’d say that at that time, happiness meant for me:
-to have a new motivation in my life

-to have someone who can give me affection

-to have someone I can give affection

-to help someone handling his/her problems

-to have a new reason to wake up in the morning

Writing this down now, it’s something that I can’t understand emotionwise anymore…I can just remember, that this was probably what I felt back then. But as the relationship wasn’t really a good one(and this girl wasn’t a good match), I had hard times to face.

Over the next 11 months, I felt like I’ve to carry the problems of two persons(mine and that girl’s) while I was constantly blamed and put under pressure. She also blackmailed me emotionally.
What’s hard to understand for me now, is why I did all this…I could just blame it on monkey love or being naive, but I think I know the true reason.

Now for that, you should know, that I’m a pretty selfish person. Since I was born, I tend to think quite opportunistic and try to get what’s good for me. Many times, I disguise my intentions, so other people might even think it’s a fair deal(or even better deal for them as for me), but that’s just a sign that my evil plan worked well(in such cases).

Same goes for this relationship. I had learned from my first relationship, that relationships in general(and being in love specifically) can give me something that material things(like books, movies, etc) couldn’t give me. In my family, I felt no love either(expect for my cat, my brother and my grandma maybe), so it’s no wonder that I started to concentrate all my love in just one person…

I made a mistake when(after it ended), I blamed the conditions. Actually, I could have only said: “Hm, crap, my plan didn’t work 100%”.

Because that’s what it’s actually been…a scheme, a plan! My plan was, to abuse someone emotionally(sort of), because let’s face it, isn’t love something like a symbiosis? It’s supposed to be mutual, but we’re all big takers when it comes to “love”. Nobody is with someone else, if he doesn’t get something for it. Either we get respect(for instance if our partner is very attractive) or it boosts our confidence(again, if a partner is attractive, we might feel proud that we “conquered” him/her) or even if it’s just for a simple feeling(because we feel happiness for the fact that we are with someone out of pity OR if this person shows us affection and we feel happy for that reason, but if the other person wouldn’t do that, we wouldn’t be with him/her, now would we?), we always get something and take it. There’s no welfare in the “love business”.

So in my case, I had motivation and a feeling. Not that much, but it was enough for me to fight for it with teeths and claws…

The biggest problem was, to disguise my intentions. I had to make my partner believe, that she’s the one who’s in charge and maybe even that she’s the one who has a benefit to be with me, that she’s the one who abuses me(because I think most people get their kick out of this in a relationship, due to the reasons I describe above).

It worked pretty well, but of course, it came with a price. In this case, the price was, that I had to lower myself and give away almost all of my dignity by acting pretty much like a slave. I had to bottle up my true feelings(for example if I was mad) and had to accept, that there was no mutual behaviour whatsoever! Just for instance, I was never allowed to meet female friends or acquaintances, while for my counterpart, it was just fair and square to meet and flirt with just any guy she wanted to meet(or flirt with).

Most people would have shown her the bird and just went for someone else, but I felt like I already “invested” too much effort and money into this relationship to give up(a good sign that I was already quite a clear thinker than being emotional). Besides, I’m quite stubborn…

And I made the same mistake like in my first relationship, I glorified my partner and my love(which I really felt) wasn’t for the real her, but just for the image I still had in my head after our first few encounters(while this couldn’t have been further from reality!).

Well, I don’t want to bore people now with the whole story of this relationship(if you can call it that, maybe it was more of an experiment on human behaviour?). The thing was, once I realized that I never really loved this girl, that I had just glorified her, I could move on.

But while other people by moving on mean, that they find another girl or something like that, I had no such intentions. I was rather mad and angry at myself. So much time wasted, so much anger never released(and now it was too late). I realized, that this whole experience just led to three things:
1. I hold a grudge against girls and don’t trust them anymore

2. I don’t believe in love(at least not in a romantic way, just in a plain rational one)

3. I lost most of my feelings

Well, this is pretty much the current situation. I am pretty sick and tired of people and their vows on love, I can’t stand to hear how they’ll “always be together”, as I simply know better and I think of girls in a worse way than before.
While before all of this, I still thought that girls really are a bit more mature than most guys, I just saw that most girls are even stupider and worse. I never thought good of guys, they simply are pretty stupid and moronic, but girls always claim to be sooo much better…but gee, that’s totally not true! I met so many girls in my life now, and no matter how old they are(and I dated 40 year old women already), they are all alike. We ALL are alike, at least pretty much.

And without that I want to sound cocky or special, but what I feel is, that I’m just not like either side. Like I mentioned far in the beginning, I was parented mostly by women, so I have a strong feminine side. I don’t feel 100% as a boy, yet I don’t feel like a girl either…I just feel alienated and like I’ve no true identity. The things that I really like and the crazy thoughts I have is something I couldn’t find(at least not completely) in anyone yet. It’s already hard to find people with a good intellect, who read more than Vanity Fair or such stuff, who’d appreciate good, deep movies, philosophy and such things…but it’s even harder, to find people to which I could be really blunt about my thoughts and my strange ideas…simply because most people are “mainstream” and “simpleminded”, they’re following the herd like sheeps. I admit that in some cases, I do that too, but I still feel like I’ve some integrity and I feel like on a eternal search for minds being likewise.

So if I’d have to say what’s happiness for me, right now? I’d say, happiness would be, to achieve this aim, to find someone who can truly and completely understand me, who doesn’t judge me, someone in front of whom I don’t have to pretend or wear a mask, where I can truly be myself.

That would make me “happy”…even though we’d have to see if it’s in the long term…only time can tell…

What is love? What is hate? The answer to those questions might be easier to answer for some people and harder for the others…I’m among “the others”, since I don’t like to make hasty, too quick judgements and decisions, if I’m not 100% sure or convinced about something.

Same case here…Until now(since I was born), I’m still trying to figure out what love definitely is and what hate definitely is.

In some cases, it’s easy…but, then again, that’s more or less just my personal definition then, while I’m trying to find one, fitting on both, me and general people. And that’s harder.

At the moment, I just know that I HATE all the people who claim to be in love…

Most of all, I had their hypocrisy. A lot of those people claimed to be on the same side like me just a couple of months ago…example:
I happened to get to know this really shallow girl, a friend of my shallow first ex gf…happened to “meet” her on a…well, let’s say a datingsite for adolescents.

I’m being there, more or less for research reasons, eventhough I like to tell myself that it’s more(but looking at my activities due to it, it’s not).
Anyways, she’s the one who showed some interest there at first…asked me to add her in facebook, and then we sent each other messages. Pretty fast, while I was still small talking, to be polite and gentle, she made it clear to me, that all she’s looking for, is (and I quote): “plain no-strings-attached-fun” and “getting laid”…she specifically said, that she does NOT want any kind of relationships(I supposed from the comments she exchanged with her braindead squeeze, that she’s just been dumped or been cheated by a guy she “loved”(whatever those foolish people call love)).

I was kinda amused by her attitude, mostly, since I didn’t have ANY intetions to do her…

But I played her game, as I like to manipulate such braindead broads and it’s always an interesting as a research about human behaviour.

Maybe 2 weeks before I went to Indonesia, she suddenly stopped replying my messages(telling me in her last one that she’d go to Bali cos she “needs to get laid”).

I wasn’t disappointed or anything, just a bit pissed, because I sure as hell know, that those kinda people are not even aware of the fact, that they act so reckless…like she did, by asking ME first to meet her and then suddenly changing her mind, without telling me…no big problem actually, but it’s about principles…

Well, anyways, I never really thought of her again anyways until I came back here and happened to stumble over her profile again…
So just out of curiousity, I asked her what happened…she told me, that she stopped “playing” and became a “good girl” now(yeah right, my ass!) and that she never wanted to meet me, so she didn’t contact me…

I was amazed by such blunt lies, even more, since I had the exhibits still resting in my inbox…I told her, that I think that it’s a pretty stupid reason and that she’s contradicting herself…but of course(like I could have telled), she didn’t react on logic and me, having a point…

I also told her, that I want her to mark my words and that I’m sure that she’ll be single again in just a few weeks or months…

And this is where my example ends…I’ve countless examples like that, of countless people who’re acting like this in one way or the other…

I might not even be that angry and upset, if they wouldn’t be so contradicting and absolutely childish…but they are!

I can say that I’m seriously giving some thoughts about the issue of “what love is”, but do they? It just makes me angry, if people want to preach to me…I can tolerate other opinions, I can accept them and I can also accept them as correct(and therefore, that mine wouldn’t be), but I can only do that, if it’s based on logic and some good reasons, making sense…

But I can’t accept it, if it’s totally obvious that those people are just way too ignorant and stupid to actually.

And yet, that’s just the one group of people…the other group isn’t really much better in my eyes…

The interesting thing here might be, that I was probably a member of this group myself for a long time…I’d like to refer to this group as the “romantic self deceivers”

These people can either be nice and naive all the time, or they can actually be quite smart and clever and educated, but it both ends the same way:
They(think) they fell in love, and suddenly, it’s like the lost their brain…they become blind and deaf to obvious mistakes and criticism and spread disgusting happiness. It’s like they want to tell the whole world: “Hey, listen up, I just lost my senses, please cheer for me!”

It’s somehow funny and sad actually…but I can’t laugh nor cry about it…I can just shake my head about this. It’s like those people suddenly have nothing but their petty relationship problems all of a sudden…all the things which REALLY matter in life suddenly don’t seem to be important anymore…

I admit that some people show a long breath and keep up the image for quite a long time…but in most of these cases, those relationships hardly pass more than a few weeks, months or sometimes years…if I’d be in their shoes, I’d be more careful about such statements like “I love you” or even more about “I will ALWAYS love you/love you forever”.

We all know that we shouldn’t say things that we can’t prove with our actions…and words are cheap.

Now I know many people will feel like crucifying me for saying this, but think again…

Open your eyes and take a look around you please…look at your “perfect partners”…aren’t they sort of replacable? You might think(I can’t use the word think actually, let’s replace it with “feel”) that your significant other is so good and great and better than your ex…but do you remember all your ex’s? Do you also remember, that you felt the same way about them?
What if I tell you now, that it WAS the same way? And it will ALWAYS be that way again in the future? At least eventually…just give it some time…

I think it’s just because that’s the human nature…we aren’t made to be together for eternity, we’re made to mate…just cut the crap and get down to business, it’s really as simple as that…

And I’ll stand corrected, if someone proves me the opposite, but it’ll take more than some simple examples or jibber jabber about “feelings”.

I stopped sympathizing with the “nice people” and those who believe in love(or at least don’t acknowledge, that love is more or less just a hoax)…they’re obviously not the kind of people who’re kinda like me or think sort of the way I think…and since I am searching people like that, I know I won’t find them in this group.

But then which group should I sympathize with? Well, I’m actually not a sucker for groups anyway, I’m more of a loner, mostly cause of the lack of alternatives…but yeah, like I said, I’m searching for likewise minds…

Currently, I start thinking, if I shouldn’t take a closer look at the group of players and womanizers(or their female counterparts).
They sure as hell have no good standing, but if you cut out all the shallowness and stupidity and plain sexual arousment, that keeps them going, you can extract some interesting key strategies and patterns.

I can say that I agree about some of their behaviour, since I feel the same way many times…

For instance, why should you be forced or guilted into a relationship with someone, if all you’ve in common, is that you’re sexually attractive to each other? Do we REALLY want such people to breed and have children? Gee, what kind of zombie-like creatures would that be:S? Do we want the world to be dominated by a bunch of braindead folks, only kept going by their most primal instincts? I mean, we already have that now, but imagine it like 5 times as bad? Gee, it surely gives me nightmares!

I’ve had it with people who tried to blackmail me with their feelings or to guilt me with them…now am I really being mean or a bastard, if I insist on being honest, instead of lying?
I had such a case with a girl I’ve met about 1 year ago…first time we met, she already jumped me, without me actually wanting that…due to that, she probably thought that she has some sort of exclusive right on me, but hey, I never said so. And it wasn’t me who started things, so why should I be blamed? Who says no to a free meal?

Her problem was, that she tried to push me into saying: “I love you” when she said it to me. But first of all, I didn’t buy it, secondly, I thought it’s quite ludicrous, after just a day or two and last, but not least, I never felt that way about her.
So should I really tell her lies? According to my experience, the average girl would say: “yes, you should”, as they obviously prefer a nice lie over the truth. I’ve been blamed countless times to be a “insensitive jerk” or whatever, just because I was standing my point and didn’t lie about this. Am I wrong? Isn’t it always said, that all girls want to have a guy who’s honest, who’s open about his feelings and all that crap?
Well, I think what girls really want, is what girls actually never want to admit.

Just like the myth, that guys are just thinking with the part of their body that’s inbetween their legs…I’ll be damned to say that I can speak for all girls in the world, but until today, most of the girls I’ve met were far away from being innocent and at least as much interested in sex as most guys I know. I actually see nothing wrong or bad there, I just hate how some keep telling me, that guys are scum and girls are saints…

Don’t get me wrong, most guys ARE scum(maybe me included), but so are most girls I know…and at least guys are pretty stupid or lazy or both, so it’s never too hard to see their real intentions. But some girls are really good, they’re much better at hiding and they love to play the game of camouflage…the funny thing is, they also love to camouflage this fact and they’d rather die in a firery hell, than to admit, that I’m right about this. (I’m talking about the majority of girls I’ve met, who kept talking crap about this)

So we’re still not making any progress here…love, hate…it’s hard for me to give a definite answer to what those two words actually mean. I mean, I do know, that I hate people who keep telling me that they’re in love(and for all the people who think that it’s cos I’m jealous, you’re wrong, even though I’m pretty sure you’ll think I’m just not mature enough to admit I’d be jealous, but trust me, it’s more complicated than to make jealously the answer) and I know that I love some movies, tv series and songs so much more than actual persons…but that’s still not specific enough, to lead to a really satisfying definition of those words, at least for me.

Maybe it’s a bit late to write all this, since many impressions and especially thoughts are already lost forever, or at least deep down in my mind, but I’ll try…

First of all, I should mention, that I’ve been to Indonesia 6 times now, starting with my first trip there in March 2006. Ever since, I’ve been there 5 more times. The 2^nd time was July 2006, the 3^rd time was December06/January07, the 4^th time was March/April 2007, the fifth time was August 2007 and the last time was August/September 2008, the last two trips included shorttrips to Singapore.

The first visit was quite an eyeopener to me about this country, and it’s been my first trip alone. On the downside, I didn’t really get to see too much(I never saw too much of the country actually) and I didn’t take too many memories and impressions, but it was a start.

What I’ve still in mind until now is not my rather crappy first gf(who was 50% of the reason of me, going there, the other half was pure interest in Asia), but all the melancholy moments I had in my room there, watching Seinfeld and such things…I also remember my last day there, talking to some guys from the street and my last shopping spree…yeah, but that’s pretty much it.

As for my second trip, it’s been one of my best stayings there. Going there actually, to be there for my first ex gfs birthday, I already knew that I’d end that relationship(due to her flirting and her “promiscious behaviour”), but I was still pretty naive and it took me some time. In the meantime, I met my second gf, which, at that time, made quite an impression on me…thinking of it now, I think the glory’s gone, it’s actually nothing special anymore…but back then, it was the beginning of something very special for me and I thought of it for…well, about 18 months.

My third stay was kinda crappy, as I already knew the city quite well, wanted to see other places, but I was too emotional at that time and thought I’m in love, so I was mostly crying and feeling miserable…in the same time, it was also the beginning of me, being less naive and more confident, thinking of my own needs too, instead of the needs of my gf only.

I’m not sure, looking at it now, if I should regret what I’ve done back then(which I won’t mention here, let’s just say that the angel lost his innocence). In some way, it might have been a harbinger to start up some improvement in my life…in some way, it might be bad, because it’s also the beginning of the process of me, losing all my (positive?) feelings.

After this third visit(and before), I was in my most fragile state…I had to carry not just my own depressions and problems, but also those of someone else(it’s been my own fault though). Thinking of it now, I can’t really understand myself anymore, it was never worth all the trouble and I’ll never do all this again, not even if I’d ever be married(which I doubt btw).

It was also the time, in which my life and my future was on the edge…but thanks to god, he gave me a second chance…of course I had to struggle harder, but I got a second chance.

Unfortunately, my metamorphose wasn’t completed yet, and even though my brain seemed to be awake from it’s Cinderalla sleep now, I completed the “we-knew-it-couldn’t-work” story and “read” the last chapters, just to see that I was right and already knew the ending…

But maybe I had to do that as a part of my development?

Anyhoo, the 4^th trip became sort of a drag, since I was more aware of the unfairness and lack of mutuality now, so I was fighting back, yet I forced myself not to freak…which now I know, I should have done back then…so more time was wasted, and there’s not too much to say about my trips number 3 and 4.

I came back for a fifth time, but I realized, that I’m not really going there anymore for a specific person, I’m going there for nobody but myself and the country itself! And eventhough I was in a “relationship”, I never felt that way(probably because in my last weak moment of emotionality, I agreed to be in one, eventhough I never had any feelings like that).

So of course, this time I really made use of my new status and did what I wanted, and not what other peoples wanted me to do or to want or to feel…I was free!And in this one week of freedom, I learned more about myself and others than in all the years before. I saw how easy it is, to go down the path of evilness and I saw that I can be quite a pain in the ass if I want to…and, even more interesting, I saw that I totally didn’t care about that! I just had enough probably, of all the “being commanded” and never speaking up before, that I had to go overboard a little(sexually), maybe also to see, that it’s not really as great as most people say…

I think it was the breaking point…the point at which I was exactly in the middle between old, naive Florian, who’s innocent and does everything for his relationships, even he got this great talent to pick the crappiest girls who give him nothing but headaches and between the current Florian, who has no such feelings like pity, love etc, whatsoever and who’s just a cold thinker and being plain rational instead of emotional. Sure, there’s still some pity or care, but that’s just for people who never did anything to me, and it’s more or less just good manners.

So all signs were set to storm when I went to the airport for the sixth time in 2.5 years to fly to Indonesia…

I remember that I felt kinda funny at the airport, quite alienated…I saw all those people from all kind of countries, frolicking happily around the airport, looking forward to fly to their destinations or getting back to their homes…

Homes…yeah, it seemed like they all knew, where to find THEIR home…and that insists that they all FELT home somewhere…

Not me…I felt not home in Germany at that(or any moment), and neither did I feel, like I’d really feel at home in Indonesia…let’s face it, with no sugar coating, Indonesia’s not heaven on Earth either, mostly because I can’t seem to find what I’m looking for in there either.

Anyway, at that time it was too late, and I was on my way already…

The whole travelling process is something, about which I’ve mixed feelings…it can be kinda nice to get to know travel acquaintances(like exchanging names and adresses, although you know, you’ll never talk to each other later anyways), but it’s really annoying me, how passengers insist, to put their seats in a downward position…don’t they know, that it’s making the flight even more uncomfy for me? And then the food in planes…always been a target of comedians, I can’t say much about it that hasn’t been said yet, but even though I used to look forward to it in the past, it seems like they never update their menue, it’s always the same kinda stuff…well, maybe if you’re already treated like cattle, you may as well get the same food, I guess…

So yeah, not too much to say about the trip, unless that Emirates really starts to suck big times(more about that later) and I hate those safety announcements in English AND Arabic…those stupid Arabs should learn English or go, f**k themself, why do I need to hear this crap 2 times? It’s just interrupting valuable time in which I could watch some movies or stuff, but no, they HAVE to force me to hear this shit…I mean, in a real case of emergency, I bet NOBODY will respect or remember the safety rules, so what’s all the hassle about?

Yeah, anyways, I arrived in Jakarta after a 15 hour flight(6.5 to Dubai, 8.5 to Jakarta) and I was beat…then, it seems like more and more stupid Europeans seem to fly to Jakarta, which is really annoying for me, cos I hate those idiots…ok, the Indos in the plane aren’t much better honestly, they never knew how to line up and always cut lines, but at least they don’t block the visa counters…but the Europeans and Americans and all those:S?Gee, it seems like they never heard about the visa process, they just slow me down…and as nice as Soekarno Hatta looks from the inside(and has this specific odeur I start to like), I don’t want to live there…

So I finally got passed the immigration and came to the “VIP area”…I kinda hate to go out there, everyone’s starring at you and many guys offer you to carry your stuff or a taxi or all that stuff I don’t really need…thanks god it was down to a minimum and I walked straight to my friend Dian, who was already waiting for me. After we hugged each other and she introduced me to her mother(who accompanied her), we went to the car of some guy she met at the airport and who took us to my guesthouse in town.

After arriving there, checking in and taking a shower and a nap, my stay in Jakarta really began. But what was I supposed to do with my time there now?
Learning from the past, i didn’t make a big plan(cos you can’t really do that in Indonesia, unless you’re totally on your own, and even then, it’s limited). I just wanted to enjoy my time there, do some of my tasks I’d planned to complete there and tried to meet up with my “friends”…well, some of them WERE(and still are) friends…but friendly speaking, a lot of those people, that pretty much everyone here at friendster or myspace or anywhere calls “my friends” were just a bunch of immature, spoiled brats, who made me just really mad.

It’s one thing, if you’re coming late(which is a common Indonesian attitude for many,yet not all), but iT’s another thing, to give you stupid excuses or no reason at all…some people never showed up, some simply assumed a lot of bullshit about me and some were stalking me…

And I must say, it’s just too much for me now…I won’t judge a whole nation and it’s people for the mistakes of a few, but if those few become many, and if those many are stealing my time, it’s really making me angry…

After all, I’m trying to find people in my life, whom can truly understand me, who I am, why I am this way, and who don’t push me to anything or try to pull my leg over and over again.

It seems that almost everyone I met(those who are the exception should know it, so if you feel offended by what I say now, you’re NOT the exception, you dumbass!) was totally immature, unfair, totally spoiled, kinda bitching with me and others, really naive and/or shallow…the list goes on and on…

I already “left” Germany and gave up about most people here, because that’s actually the way I saw most Germans for 22 years…but being in Indonesia more and more often, I’m really amazed in a negative way, of how badly things are over there…it’s not like there’s a lack of education(which I could excuse, due to poverty in some cases), but it’s moreover the ignorance and the missing will to learn anything new or important in their live…

Those people I’m talking about just surpress the reality, if it comes in their way, they bend the truth and reality until it fits with them and their lifestyle…they claim to be mature and superior, but they’re just totally pathetic…the worse thing is, they piss you off perfectly, by dragging you, into their fucked up world, then they leave you there, just leave completely, and you get no chance at all to get rid of them, because they’re too cowardly and timid to show up again. They don’t reply SMS and don’t answer the phone, if you try calling them.

Now THAT’S what I call “mature behaviour”;)

But of course it’s ME who gets the blame, cos they use their poor analytic skills on me, trying to put me into their two-colored world, in which, of course, i don’t fit in…preaching about me and my lifestyle, while they don’t know NOTHING about me…and giving me smartypants answers about “not judging the book by it’s cover” and other contradictions…

And I’ve just had it with them, I just don’t want it anymore…it happens OVER AND OVER AGAIN! Those who didn’t piss me off this way, bored me in another…and those who keep showing me the silver line on the horizon must get good drugs or they simply don’t get me, cos there’s no silver line for me, but I see things from another angle, from another point of view.

Maybe this is, where I, with all due respect, and without that I want to sound cocky, where I felt, like I really beat them in every field(except stuff like drinking and partying).

I AM more mature than them, I think about the future(maybe too much, but that’s a problem, for which you have to reach a certain level anyway) and it’s just impossible for them and me to meet on the same intellectual level…

I know this really sounds cocky, but is it my fault, that most people simply tend to deceive themself all day, all life? There could be many like me, if they’d just open their damn eyes and take a look at reality! But they prefer to keep trying converting me…or they try to brand me as an outcast…poor fools, don’t they know that I’m an outcast by nature? I’m ok with being one, cos that’s my choice and I even see it as my honour, because at least it declasses them from me(that’s at least how I see it) and makes me somewhat special…because it takes guts to stand up for your own opinion and your own standards, and if they don’t like it, their bad, not mine…

And if being me means, that I’ll be single forever, then be it! I can deal with it, while those people are lying, lying and lying again…mostly to themself…it’s so easy to mess with them and to manipulate them…and sometimes again, it’s almost impossible, cos their plain stupidity gets in the way…they’re like lemmings, and instead of saving them for a really funny and entertaining death(in which you could lead them easily, metaphorically speaking), they already fall off the cliff, not even realizing it, still having a goofy smile on their face…and yet it’s me again who loses in such a case…

So in conclusion, I’ve had it with those idiots…I decided now, that such things like love and marriage are things for simple minds…at least if you see it on a level of pure emotions…I have no emotions for those, and I doubt that I’ll have them in the future…and those people who want to feel pity for me now or preach me, remember, you probably haven’t been on the other side yet, so don’t speak, if you don’t know what’s my language, ok?

I guess I lost my place somehow, since I wanted to talk about my trip, but what’s left to tell there? I had some more encounters over there(in more than one way), most of them were a bit of an eyeopener to me and gave me valuable experience and teached me more about myself and my life and how to play with humans…but the best part of my trip was probably to achieve 2 goals and to add more value to my daily life(talking about piracy and food) with the few things that still make me happy…and to see, that I’m still not done yet(and far from it) to find someone who can really understand me or the way I think. I’ve to continue to find a common language, since this blog hasn’t been an eyeopener to anyone yet…

But I feel confident, since I’m writing more and more blunt, less and less caring about other people’s opinion or feelings…maybe sooner or later, I’ll write down just everything I ever did, uncovering all the secrets I’m still withholding…

Anyways, thanks for reading this(whoever did so), if you read this whole blog, please spare me the shallow answer, try to read between the lines or keep it for yourself, I really don’t want to moan over more misinterpretation or suchlike.

Terima kasih/Thanks/Danke/Gracias/Gracie/Merci/Domo Arrigato/Spatsiba